Magical beings.

I Heart My Job.

I heart the people I work with. They're, well.. SOME of them, are pure magic. 

We're talking pink fluffy clouds, strawberry cupcakes, cotton candy and rainbow unicorns kind of magic! 

They're just THAT awesome! 

I've told you about my little dude, Johan before.. He's still and always will be my number one.

My rock and security at work. 

There's just no words for him. I'd protect this guy with my life if I had to. Be so sure.

But then there's also Jenny, Sara and Ingegerd. 

SO much love for these people.. They along with little J of course keep me up when I feel like falling.

Anxiety never seem to last long when I have these people around me,. I'm SOOOO grateful for each and every one of you. I won't ever hesitate to return the favor, should you ever need it,

I have to send some love to one of my absolute best friends.

We've been friends since the summer of 2000 when we met under "backstreet circumstances".

I don't think we've under these 14 years of friendship had one falling out.

Suuure we get annoyed at each other, we disagree on things (like politics;), but we've never been "ANGRY" with each other. 

This dear friend of mine if going through some hardship right now and I want you to know, Jenn.. That there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you. You say the words and I'll be right there. 

I know you'll get out at the other side of this as a better and stronger person. There is no doubt in my mind. And when you're up for it... You and I will be going out hunting, so to speak ;)

I LOVE you! 

Gotta go deal with life now.

I hope you all are having a fantastic Monday. 

xoxo

Workoholic

Sowwy.. I know I've been MIA for the longest time.
I've just had life going on. No other excuse than that.
I see so many of you still checking in on the blog even tho I don't update. Ever.
I would like to promise you that I'll get better.. But I don't know when that will be.
Just crazy busy with work.

Speaking of work.. I LOVE MY JOB. Truly.
I have the best co workers ever. Especially this one little guy, Johan.
He truly truly is the reason I get through the day.
Always with a smile on his face and willing to just.. I don't know.. Be there?
It's hard to explain this guy.
He's like no other guy I've ever met. In a good way of course.
He's been a good friend and support system for me this last month. Truly grateful.
I won't even hesitate to return the favor, should you ever need it. I got you :)

Fall is knocking on the door here.. Even tho technically it's still summer, there's just no denying the low temperatures lately. Tho I LOVE summer, there's something so cozy with fall.
Warm knitted sweaters, scarfs, mittens..
All night scary movie marathons with friends.
I really wanna get some friends together, watch a REALLY scary movie and then head out to Ängsö/Engsö, this haunted castle and church right outside my city.
Haven't been out there for a bout a year now so it's about time!
Anyways.. Gotta sleep now. Work tomorrow.

Hope you all are enjoying life.

xoxo

ExchangeEuropeAdventures

So.. a whole week has gone bye since I last saw my guys.
Not the Backstreet Boys.. The Exchange. Or, Diaz, Fredo, Richard, Aaron and Jamal.
Me and the girls had a FANTASTIC trip to Germany and got to spend a good amount of time with them.

As for the general experience of this trip. I AM IN LOVE with my girls.
They saw me, picked me up and distracted me when they saw me slipping.
Have to give extra props to Tiina for actually putting up with me for a whole week. I'm grateful.
These girls are SO special to me. We're all SO very different, but we work SO well together.
I guess.. cause of the fact that we actually are so different.
No one stepping in or taking anyone's "space". We all have our role in our group and we stick to that.

I learned a lot about myself and about other people on this trip.
I learned I really need to stop being so "blue eyed" as we say in Sweden.. To you.. That would be, naive. I always judge people based on my first experience of them.
That often leads me to disappointment. I get hurt, angry and VERY passive aggressive.
That's not who I am anymore. And I don't like it when that side comes out of me cause it takes me FOREVER to push it back in again.
I really need to just.. take a step back, observe and make sure I don't get hurt.
Fans will always be fans, dressed as Exchange fans or BSB fans, don't really make a difference.
At the end of the day.. Que Sera.



I Love and respect ALL of the boys and I always will. They will ALWAYS have my support.
ExchangeEurope and ExchangersUnited will keep pushing these guys and doing our best to promote
 them for as long as we keep getting the help and response we're getting from the guys and from the fans.

Thank you for the trip of a life time. See you all SOON again!

Angelica

I have this one friend. Well.. I have a lot of friends. But this one friend in particular, she means a little extra much to me.
She's one of those people who's just.. There.
She will tell you what's up when you LEAST want to hear it but when you MOST of all NEED to hear it. She will never tell you want you want to hear if it's not what you need to hear.
Angelica and I have had our runs, fallen out of touch do to.. well, life and other misunderstandings.
We always find our way back to each other tho.
I guess.. cause we just get each other and in the end of the day, I know she will always want what's best for me, and I for her.
She was one out of two people who was really there for me after the whole Jordan situation went to hell and back.
She was one of two people who I openly talked about my pregnancy and miscarriage with when it happened.
She knew things that no one else did, and before other people did.
I was, and still am just.. so comfortable around her.
I don't see her as much as I would want.. But when we do get to spend some time together things are never anything less of a perfect time.
I truly truly love you my dear friend and I hope you know that I will always be here for you.
No matter what.
Life may pull us a part and we may not speak to each other for long periods of time, but when it's all said and done, I never ever want to wake up in a world where I know that you and I will never be friends again.

I love you.

xoxo

Anxiety Delux

Anxiety struck like a motherf.. Triggerd last night so going on 26hrs now.. Faaaantastic.
I've been doing really good with anxiety these past few weeks but just as I think, hey.. I got this.. BAM! It hits me again. I wish it would just.. end and go away, and stay away.
Definitely is no worse feeling than Anxiety.
That feeling of.. "I hope I don't have to wake up tomorrow.. that it will all just be over... "
NOT a feeling I would even wish upon my worst enemy.
And I don't like taking my meds anymore.. I want to be able to handle, this on my own.. I want to be strong enough to handle this on my own.. But the fact of the matter is still that it IS a medical condition and no one would expect someone with asthma to just.. "handle it".
I don't know.. sometimes I just feel like.. No one gets it.

Spent this weekend out at Jennifers summer house. Full house out there as always.
I feel so, at home when I'm with Jenn and her family. They're so tight.
All of the million cousins, her mom, dad and aunt.
I love them all. I wish I had a family like that. Or a family at all for that matter. Never had one.

Gonna take my meds now and try and unwind.

Love to all.

It's heeeereeee....!!!

It feels like I've been waiting for this forever!
I'm SO EXCITED over this. The boys are.. They're just.. *sigh*.. Fantastic!
I'm just so freakin grateful for all the happy moments with these guys.
Especially Christopher. He's awesome.. Always puts me in a happy mood.
Just thinking that if I would have never gone to see the Backstreet Boys (I know, that would never happen but just go with me on this one) this spring, I wouldn't have ever met these guys.
I love promoting them, helping Bama and Matt with little things when I'm asked.
Love keeping the fans hyped.. Cause as they say themselves.. If it wasn't for ExchangeEurope, and now also ExchangersUnited.com, the hype would have died a long time ago.
"Thank you for keeping the hype in Europe". You are so more than welcome.
I enjoy every second of it.
Even tho I've had some hiccups.. issues, with some fans that have gone far beyond "the line"... I still take the bad with all the good. Cause the grater part of all this is pure sunshine!
I hope, and think that these guys will be around for a long time to come and that I will get to share many more laughs and adventures with them.
Jamal, Christopher, Richard, Aaron and Alfredo.. and Of course, Bama and Matt.. Y'all are great.
Don't ever forget to have fun. Cause the second you do.. It will show.. and the magic that is you guys, The Exchange.. will be gone. LOVE you!

Don't forget to check out the video, share it with your friends on facebook and twitter.

Tell your neighbor, your teacher and your hamster about it to!

The Exchange are:
Aaron Sperber
Jamal Moore
Richard Steighner

Christopher Diaz

Alfredo Austin

The Exchange Facebook, YouTube And Instagram

#ExchangeEurope & ExchangersUnited.com

It's been a.. strange day..

.. To say the least.

One could say that I have things going on in my life right now.
A bunch of things that I'd rather not have to deal with.
But such is life.. You deal with things on a daily basis that you rather not, but you do.. cause there is just no other way.

I answer hundreds of phone calls every day at work. Some are fun, some are less fun.
Customers with all different issues and requests. I treat them all differently, cause they are all.. different.
Today I answered the phone, just like every other day and a woman was on the other line.
She had me on speaker phone and she told me she had been doing the dishes while waiting for her call to be answered. She sounded happy and there was something really.. familiar about her.. comfortable if you will.
She proceeded to tell me her business and why she had called in and I went about my job, to help her.
She continues to talk and she's so friendly and funny.. one of those people you just instantly just.. love!
She asks out of the blue "You're a sensitive, aren't you?". As for you who don't know what a sensitive is, it's someone who senses "the other side". Dead people, or spirits. Call them what you want.
I answered her in some what of a surprised response that Yea.. I'm sort of sensitive to things like like.
I can sense things, but it's not like "I see dead people".
She tells me she knew it the second I picked up the phone.
She then continues to tell me that she is a sensitive and that she has "a man with her", from the other side.
She says he is connected to me. - "He is a tall man, very handsome. Do you have a man you know on the other side"
- Yes.. My dad, was a tall man. He would have been good looking cause he had kids with 4-5 different women.
- "Hmm.. I don't know, cause it doesn't feel like you would have a very close relationship to this man."
- Well that sounds about right as I never knew my dad. I never met him.
The woman laughs and says something a long the lines of "well that makes sense then, I guess I have you're dad here, he says congratulations"
Now I have no idea what that was for.. I have nothing to be congratulated for at the moment.. that I know of at least.. Maybe he knew something I don't.. yet?
She says - "I'm sorry, I'm gonna let you work, it's just that they are a talkative bunch of people I have with me here".
One.... Two... Three seconds passes and she starts talking again.
- "You have a girl sitting right behind you, a blonde girl".
I turn around to look who's behind me, even tho I already know who sits right behind me at work.
- Uhm... Yes... That would be Heidi!
Heidi is my best friend at work, we get along really well.
- "Tell her I said that she has a lot of bright spirit people, angels around her"
- ... Ok....
At this point I'm completely overwhelmed by her.
She again apologizes and tell me she's gonna let me do my job now.
One...Two...
- "I have you're grandmother here"
- MORMOR!! (Grandmother in Swedish) My mormor is the best!
- "She likes it that you said IS the best and not WAS the best"
- "Mormor wants you to know that everything is ok and that you need to let her go. You can't carry her around anymore."
- I have not let my mormor go yet, she was my world.
- "She knows this, but she doesn't want you to be sad, and mormor can't pass on as long as you hold on to her"
- ......
- "Mormor is showing me flowers which means "i love you" on the other side. She wants you to say hi to you're mother, she needs that"
Now.. My mother and I don't have a mother daughter relationship do to her putting me through hell as a child.. but I know my mother have been struggling lately with some decisions that had to be made.
- "It's really important to mormor that you tell you're mother, Hi"
- I will..
At this point I am crying. My mormor was my everything. My only family member. The only one I could go to when my mother was at her worst.. when i had not eaten in days or when I just needed.. someone.

When the call ended and I had to run out and burst in to tears.
I locked myself in the bathroom and just.. let it all out.
I was, and still am so overwhelmed by her.
There was many more aspects of this phone call, but things I'll rather not share.
I am so grateful to this woman for greeting me, being friendly and for sharing her gift with me.
It is something that I will never forget.
I am a firm believer in "the other side" and that we get visits from them, our loved ones, all the time.
I feel warm at heart by the thought of my mormor being with me.
Although I have felt her presence around me for many years.. This kind of.. sort of.. confirmed it, in a way. It was truly truly a special phonecall.

I hope you all are well out there.

xoxo 

Give me strength

Help me Figure out the difference 

Between right and wrong 

Weak and strong 

Day and night 

Where I belong and 

Help me 

Make the right decisions 

Know which way to turn 

Lessons to learn 

And just what my purpose is here

Game Over.

.... And it happened again!
Officially closing my twitter & instagram. cleaning out fans from my twitter then I'm done with it.
I've tried to be nice and understanding of some of you but it's at the point right now when you're just pissing me off. I've dealt with some of you snatching my pictures off of my instagram, sending messages to my personal friends asking questions about my relationship to the boys, among other things.
I don't get it!! I'm just me! I'm no one to follow, look up to and DEFINITELY not suck up to!
I can see through that shit in a heartbeat.
Befriending me won't get you closer to the boys.
I don't even understand where you are getting all this from.
Even if I could get you closer to the boys, I won't.
It's not up to me to decide who they want to talk to and who they don't want to talk to.
And if I know the boys right, and I think I do.
They will be happy to talk to every single one of you as long as you're nice.
It's sad that it's come to this. I was looking forward to meeting some of you in Germany but right now.. I don't feel like meeting you at all.
I will be traveling with my girls and those are the only people I want to associate with on this trip.
I will keep running ExchangeEurope and Co-Admin with Tess on ExchangersUnited.com but as far anything regarding my personal accounts. It will be off limit.
I wish that you will respect this from now on.

Lindah

Euphoria

I'm in some kind of Euphoric state of mine. It's SUCH an awesome feeling.
Things are just clearing up. I walk around smiling, humming on my favorite Disney movie songs and.. I guess.. Feel like I might even be in one of them movies.
I LOOOOVE my job and the people I work with!
I LOOOOVE my #SpecialFriends and my favorite Norwegian-broken-butt-nut-cracker!
I have a MAJOR crush on all of my beautiful friends and I just feel.. Like i'm breathing again.
It's been a while since I felt like this, I hope it will last a while so I can catch my breath a lil.
I'm SO excited to see the guys in Germany in just a few weeks.
These months since when we first started talking about going just FLEW by!

Anyways.. I just wanted to drop in real quick.
Working late this week so I JUST got home, am gonna watch an episode of Game Of Thrones then SLEEEEP. Am gonna TRY to muster some discipline and get my butt to the gym in the morning before work. Watch......... !

LOVE

Midsummer!

Thoughts

You know.. I was laying awake last night thinking about.. Guys.. But not in that way.. More like.. I'm the "always single" chick among my friends.. Not always by choice.
I haven't always been the most.. "desirable" girl in the world.. and I haven't always looked at my self and thought I deserved to have someone.
I've gotten burned.. Oh so burned.
And I haven't really gotten involved with someone after that whole thing went down..
Most of you know that "situation", as THAT guy.
I truuuuuly loved him and it went to hell.. and back.. and then to hell again.
It took a lot out of me and I don't really think I've truly fully recovered from it.
I still panic at the though of getting comfortable around a guy again. I just.. I can't.
It's gonna take a lot for me to relax and let someone in.
They will have to be someone truly special.. and patient. VERY patient.
I know I'm worth it.. I LOVE spoiling my guy.. doing things for him, not cause he asks me to.. but cause I want to. Love having someone to come home to..
That thought when you get out of work for the day and you just wanna hurry home, because HE is there. That feeling! I long for it.

But.. I've come to the conclusion that I somewhat stay away from dating cause.. This might sound and be dumb, but it's the thruth.. and that's cause of drugs.
I am so ZERO tolerance towards drugs that it just makes dating to complicated to deal with.
I mean.. for example.. a few months ago I was out with my good friend Jasmi.
We're sitting at a table, minding our own and then a group of guys approach us.
They all seam very nice so we invite them to join us.
We're talkin and having fun and then one of the guys turns to me and starts talking about what kind of drugs he took while getting ready to go out........... Dude... No.
He continues to ask me what I take and what my drug of choice is.
My point is.. drugs have become such an "accepted" thing among us.. so I just don't wanna even bother trying to find a good guy, just a normal, family oriented guy with both his feet on the ground.. who does NOT do drugs. Of any kind.
I've been "surprised" with guys before.. dating them for a while and then finding out from other people that they're using. I just don't wanna go through that again.. I'm guarded and it has lead to me having a very hard time trusting guys.. Which is sad.. cause I wan't to love and be loved.. but it's just... to frighting.

Oh You Better Be Ready For It!

....Stay Tuned!

Exchange Backstreet Direction

Soooo.. I guess I've been missing in action for a while.
Been a tad busy with life.
New job, new projects and other fun adventures.

This weekend I was off to Stockholm to see One Direction live in concert.
I've waited a LONG-ASS-TIME to see these guys in concert.
I met one of the boys before but back then i didn't even know who he was and couldn't have cared less.
Let's just say I'm kicking myself for that now. Hard.
I've since then come to understand just how fun these guys are!
Sure.. I love the Backstreet Boys, and they will ALWAYS be my number one..
But Thats all heart.. One Direction is all fun.
I'm not even gonna put The Exchange in the same category as the other two.
First off cause it's kind of hard for me to see them as a "boy band".
They're so different. And also cause they are more or less my friends.
Especially Diaz. I do not see him as.. anything other than a friend.
So I guess you could say.. They mean more to me than "just music".

I've been helping Bama out with some, I guess.. Pre-Promo stuff for the boys.
Gathering info on radio stations.
Happy place for sure. I LOVE doing stuff like that.
I've studied media for far to long not to put it in to use when needed.
Hopefully I'll get to help some more, should they need it. Even if it means little things.. I'd be honored.
I've been missing the boys allot lately.
Maybe especially Aaron. We used to tweet every day before.. now I haven't talked to him in a month.
He was such happy distraction for me to go to when I needed to put my focus on something while anxiety struck.
It's been hard to keep focus and I'm unfortunately back on my meds.
Trying to find something solid to keep my head above water is hard, which is also why I'm so willing and grateful to help the boys out with things.. It keeps me busy and distracted enough to not feel that anxiety.
Hopefully will find something soon to keep me smiling.

Untill next time my loves.. Behave!

Bla bla bla

It is Sunday. Where did this weekend go?
Good thing I love my job and can't wait to get back there tomorrow.

This weekend have been good. Chilled on Friday cause i was DEAD after the cruise with the girls.
Last night was Dani's Birthday bash. Was sooo much fun and also got to meet and make up with an old friend with whom I had a falling out with a few years back.
We have not spoken since and it was nice to finally work things out.
She, as well as I have changed a lot in these past few years.
She's had 2 kids since then and is about to get married.

It is now June.. And that means that NEXT MONTH.. I will get to see the boys again.
I am looking forward to this trip way, way to much! Honestly mostly looking forward to seeing Christopher.
I absolutely adore that guy.
Have loads of fun things planned before it's time for Germany tho.
Like in two weeks.. It will be time to see One Direction in concert. I CAN NOT WAIT!!
Harry Styles.. I mean.. Harry Styles... *Swooning*

And as I'm just rambling on about BS now.. I'm gonna wrap it up and leave y'all with some pictures from the cruise with the girls.

LOVE!

Departed

When your life is going to fast,
off the train tracks
I can slow it down
just when you think you're bout to turn back
scared you might crash
I'll be your ground

When you feel your hearts guarded,
And you see the brakes started,
And when the clouds above Departed,
You'll be right here with me,
And when your tears are dry from crying,
And when the worlds turned silent,
So when the clouds above Departed,
You will be right here with me,

When your trapped and there's just no key,
And you can't breathe,
I breathe for you,
The fire's got you down on both knees,
The walls are closing in but I will,
Break them through,
And when you feel alone,
I will be your home,
Whatever comes and goes,
You know I got you

Exchangers

Before bedtime.. I just wanted to remind all of you minions that, you guys are awesome!
You definitely make me smile every day with your sweet messages.
I am honored and blessed to be receiving all this love from all over Europe.

I am doing the best that I can to keep you happy and smiling, reading all of your tweets, messages and PM's.
I read every single one of them. Thank you.

And Thank you for having all this faith and trust in me!

Mwaaah! xoxo 

Germany is BOOKED!

I am so excited!
Me and the girls just booked our trip to Germany for this summer.
I can seriously not wait. It will be sooo good see the boys again.
I'm mostly excited to see Christopher in all honesty. He's such a fantastic guy!
Obviously excited to see the other 4 guys also, and Matt! Let's not forget Matt!

Was contacted today by an Exchange fan about working on a new project for the boys.
And of course I'm down for that.
I truly love helping all of you out with projects and what not, that's what I'm here for.
Will be fun to see how this develops.
I love getting all of you're sweet messages of concern and support.
And I don't judge all of y'all cause some fans can't behave. Not at all so no worries.
So keep throwing ideas at me, I am more than willing to collaborate and help.

Tomorrow is monday and that means, WORK!
I could seriously not be more excited. Ha!
Love my new job and my colleagues, I've found a few diamonds in our group that I really enjoy.
It will definitely be a fun summer at work. And if we all get to stay after summer.. AWESOOOME!
Anyways.. Am off to watch a movie and then sleep time for me.

Thanks Laura for the kind words!

xoxo

Bat Shit Crazy

It's been a pretty crazy week.
Good and bad kind of crazy. First week at my new job is done and I'm loving it so far.
Found a really sweet friend in one of the girls in my group.

Regarding another thing... or things, that happened this weekend was pretty clear in a previous entry i did this week. About privacy. It took about 24hrs before crazy turned around and bit me again.
I don't even know what to say or where to start really.. But I am seriously uncomfortable.
Cleaned out a few ppl off my facebook friendlist.. like 4ppl that i took off so facebook i've been pretty good with keeping clean.. but Twitter.... There's just no way I can clean that shit up.
And If I make a new one.. private.. and I don't get the boys to follow me on there.. I won't be able to talk to them.. :(
Christopher I have on facebook so that's all good.. but.. It would be nice to be able to throw a tweet at them every now and then.. which I won't be able to do if I have to make a new account. Ugh..
So sad that a few of the girls have to ruin it for the rest of them.
They've made me even... not so excited about Germany this summer.
A lot of them are flying in for the boys gig at Europa Park in august..
And at first I was excited to get to meet these girls.. But now... not so much.
Depending on who's coming obviously.. most of the girls are wonderful.
But then there's these other ones..
I don't even know why I'm so surprised.
These are Backstreet Boys fans we're talking about.
And Backstreet fans are, as Madelene would so graciously put it, bat shit crazy.
I just.. didn't see this one coming.
One of them said "You're just as famous as the boys now". Fuuuuck that shit.
I am NOT doing ANY of this to get recognition or anything of that sort.
I am doing this for the boys, and for the Exchangers cause I like it, it's fun and it brings me joy to make other people happy. Nowhere in this universe did I do any of it to make myself look good.
No.. Wrong. So the thought of anyone thinking of me in any other way than just a normal girl.. is overwhelming.. Not gonna lie.

Gonna try and sleep now.

Keep smiling, lovers!

Birthday Boy!!

I want to wish the fantastic Jamal a VERY happy birthday!

I hope you get to spend your day surrounded by all your favorite people!

Enjoy!

xoxo

One bad apple

It's an absolutely GORGEOUS day out!
I just got home from my third day at my new job.
I'm really enjoying it so far. The only thing i'm NOT so crazy about is having to get up at 4am every day.
Rough, real rough.

Regarding yesterdays entry.
I've gotten sooo many positive responses from you gorgeous people.
99% of you guys understand fully and support me all the way.
You know what they say.. one bad apple don't spoil a whole bunch.
You guys are awesome, you really are and it's gonna be fun seeing some of you this summer in Germany.
Thank you for all the sweet messages and tweets yesterday.
I know I didn't respond to everyone but some days it's just about impossible for me to keep up.
You guys are over 500 and I'm one person lol.. You do the math :)

XOXO

Privacy

I feel that I ones again need to address something.
It's hard for me to express myself regarding this cause I don't really know how to, without sounding like a compete drama queen or a bitch.
But the fact of the matter is that I am getting really overwhelmed.

I love all of you Exchangers and appreciate all the love and support you are showing me, as well as for the group and the site (ExchangeEurope & ExhangersUniter).
I enjoy talking to you and hearing about your day, your ideas and thoughts of the boys.
I do.. But there is a line that can't be crossed and that's when it comes to privacy.
I have had to set my instagram and twitter to private before and I don't wanna go back to that but if boundaries keeps getting crossed I will have to.
I want to share my day with you all and update my instagram with pictures of my everyday life.
But please, don't use my pictures without asking me first.
And when it comes to my facebook, I have been bombarded with friend requests these past few weeks, and I am flattered that you guys want to be friends, but it comes down to the fact that I am a very private person and there's a lot of personal things on my facebook so if I don't know you personally, I ask that you keep it to instagram and twitter.
I am happy to talk to you on there as long as you are respectful.

I don't mean for you to not talk to me or contact me at all.. just.. give me a little privacy and space.
I understand that you all are really excited over the boys and their European plans.
I'm glad that you are, but please don't ask me for personal information on the boys, a lot of the things that you are asking for I can not answer, and the things I can answer that would be considered their private life, I will still not share with you cause it is not my information to share. Please respect that.
I love it that you guys contact me with ideas and projects that you have and want me to be a part of or help you with, I am more than happy to help you guys with things like that, so don't feel intimidated to keep contacting me about things like that.

I hope this will help establish a more, how can I put it..
Healthy and less stressful relationship between me and you all.
Keep being fantastic, keep spreading the love and support just like you have been doing, but keep in mind, I am just one person and It's hard for me to keep up with you all so if it takes a little while for me to get back to you, don't stress, I'll get around to it. Promise.

I love you guys SOOOO much, and I hope that you will not take this entry in a negative manner.
I am simply trying to help our relationship so it can work more smoothly.
I hope you all are having a fantastic day.

Much Love.
xoxo Lindah

ExchangeEurope 
Admin: Me
Co-Admin: Tiina

& 

ExchangersUnited

Webmaster: Therese
Co-Webmaster: Me

ExchangeEurope and ExchangersUnited are two seperate things.
ExchangeEurope backs and supports ExchangersUnited and the other way around, but they are not the same. 

See ExchangersUnited more of an extension of ExchangeEurope. 

Westeros

Oh hey!
Awesome day! Signed a contract with my new job today starting monday.
Can't wait!
I've done this exact job before, and I'm really.. Really good at it so I really can't wait to show them what I'm made of.

Also met up with two of my sisters today.
I'm really happy that I'm seeing them regularly now days. It used to be years in between our meet-ups.
I don't have a family, never did.. so it's really important to me to establish a relationship with them.
I didn't grow up with my siblings.. so I don't really see them as.. siblings.. but they are still my blood.
I always try to learn about them and compare myself to them.. in hopes I can find something of myself, in them.

Tomorrow my good friend Anna is coming to visit, which means I'm gonna spend my entire morning cleaning my apt while I'm at the same time doing laundry and doing the dishes.. Yep! Saturday.
Will be good to have her here tho. Haven't seen her since feb.. And right now her and I are supposed to be in NY/NJ... But that didn't go as planed and we had to cancel our trip... :(

Oh well.. Gotta go call my bestie. Spent all afternoon with her at the ER yesterday so need to check in with her and see if there's any change.

Stay smiling!
xoxo

30 and flirty

My last blog entry as a 20-something-girl. Rough.. really rough.
30.. that age makes me sick to my stomach. Well.. Not so much the age it self.. but that I'M turning 30.
I don't feel like I'm qualified to turn 30 just yet.
10 years ago I saw my life COMPLETELY different by this time that it really turned out to be.
I'm SO rich in experience, but what have I really accomplished?
Sure, yea... I've done some SERIOUS work on myself these last 3 years and that's of course an accomplishment by it self. But I mean.. as far as anything else goes?
I don't know.. I just don't feel.. "THERE" yet..

The project that Therese and I have been working on for a couple of weeks now, got finished last night.
We're so proud of it and we've been getting amazing response from The Exchange fans!
The only Exchange member to have commented on it so far is Christopher. He loved it!
Christopher is just amaaaazing! LOVE that guy!
It feels good to have worked HARD on something for weeks for someone and get some appreciation for it.
The fans are Grateful, and Christopher and Matt loves it.
Bama also gave us cred for it.. Miss talking to that guy..

Anyways.. Tomorrow.. 30.. I'll be working so hopefully will be distracted enough to not think about that horrible number.

CLICK

Stay good, lovers!

xoxo

Exchangers

Stockholm my dear Stockholm.

I just got home and I already miss it.
Altho Stockholm is not exactly what you would call a big capital city.. It is still the closest thing I get to a major city here in Sweden.

I miss my New York. It's a rough day today.. I am supposed to be on a plane on my way to NY as I am typing this. But life happened and now I'm... stuck in Sweden for about 6 more months.. Blah..
I really really need to get back to Manhattan. ASAP.

Anyways.. I have been really down for a few days now suffering abandonment issues and I don't know how to handle it. 

It's such an odd, confusing situation and I'm completely clueless.
Through this I have been getting SO much love from The Exchange's fans.

These girls are the sweetest things ever, they tweet me little sweet messages of encouragement, love and support that keeps me going through the day. 

They're SO grateful to me for the ExchangeEurope accounts and they let me know every single day.
It will be wonderful getting to meet a lot of them in person this summer. 

The Exchange, without a doubt have the friendliest fan base EVER and I am forever grateful to the boys for bringing us all together.

On a different note, I have a really important interview for a job today.

I REALLY want this job so I'm hoping it will go my way.

I've had the same job but for a different company before so I KNOW I can do this, and I'm DAMN good at it. Keep your fingers crossed for me, will ya!?

Gonna chill out and watch some TV now before it's time to head downtown.

LOVE to all.

A little too not over you

Tell me why you're so hard to forget. 

Don't remind me, I'm not over it. 

Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth. 

And I really don't know what to do. 

I'm just a little too not over you.

Brithday sickness

I'm Siiiiiick!! I've been sick for a week now and I'm not loving it.
Especially working while sick, SUCKS.
It was my last week at work so I couldn't stay home sick.
But oh well... I'm home now, get to chill for about 12hrs then I'm off to Stockholm for the weekend.
Birthday celebrations and also attending the Fitness Gala.
Should be fun.

I've been off my meds for aaaalmost 2 months now! Can't actually believe it!
It's a good feeling to not have to depend on pills to be ok. To feel ok.
Aaron gave me the motivation and support/kindness I so desperatly needed, and now.. I'm flying solo.
Me and the girlies, my Exchange Europe "staff" are talking EEEEVERY day, and we have talked everyday ever since we left Manchester pretty much. Love these girls.
They are also one of the main reasons I've been doing so good lately.
They have me laughing uncontrollably, hysterically every day. To the point of tears.
Tiina.. She's hilarious. I mean.. the girl comes up with THE funniest things.
Emma.. she just slips up and accidentally say funny thinks without even thinking about it.
Madde, Oh Madde... The one who's always "outing" me, embarrassing me to 50 shades of tomato.
It's kind of her think. She's been doing it since day one. It's funny... I just laugh it.
Cause trust me.. she is NOT the only friend of mine who loves making me blush. Smh..

Well.. I gotta get back to Therese and out little project for The Exchange that we've been working on for the last 2 weeks or so.

LOVE

Be Right Back

Lovers.

Sorry for the MIA.
Am currently working on a project with a friend so I'm a little occupied and don't have time to blog.
Project will be done by early next week so after that I will be back with you all again.


Xoxo

Abandonment Issues

So for the last two weeks I've been suffering serious Abandonment issues.. Real bad.
This really has nothing to do with anyone other than ME.
It is MY issue and mine to deal with but it is still VERY painful and frighting.
The confusion and sadness gets overwhelming and it brings me to a very dark place.
This is one of my many personality traits that came with me growing up under the circumstances that I did.
It is, among other things something that I am constantly working on.
To become a better version of myself.
To evolve in to the person that I was always meant to be.
Hopefully this will give you some insight to what it's like to be me.

Fear of abandonment is very strong in ACAs and differs from the fear of rejection.
Adult children of alcoholics seem to be able to handle rejection and adjust to it.
Fear of abandonment, however, cuts a lot deeper because of childhood experiences.

The child who experiences living with alcoholism grows into an individual with a weak and very inconsistent sense of self, as we have already discussed.
This is a very, very critical self which has not had the nurturance it needed.
It is a hungry self and, in many ways, a very insecure self.

This is caused by the fact that you never knew when, or if, your parents would be emotionally available to you.
You expected unpredictability and inconsistency.
Once the drinking began, you simply did not exist.
Your needs would not be met until the drinking episode and any accompanying crises were over.
There was no way to predict when this would occur.
What a terrible, terrible feeling.
No matter what you did to try to prevent it, it would happen anyway.

Some children living in this situation continue trying to get their needs met, and others give up entirely.
Those children who give up entirely are not as anxious to enter into adult relationships as are those who still hold onto the fantasy that maybe, just maybe, this time things will be different.

The constant fear, however, is that the person you love will not be there for you tomorrow.
In an attempt to guard against losing your beloved, you idealize the relationship and idealize your role in the relationship.
Your safeguard against being abandoned is to try hard to be perfect and serve all the other person's needs.

Whenever anything goes wrong (and in life, things go wrong), and when there is conflict (and in life, there is conflict), the fear of being abandoned takes precedence over dealing with the pertinent issue which needs to be resolved.
This fear is so great that it is not unusual for ACAs to completely lose sight of the actual problem.

Friyey!!!

Alltight, so i've already had yesterday off.. but there's still something pretty special about Fridays, agree?
I've really TRIED to sleep in this morning!
Woke up several times during the night but managed to fall back asleep.
Finally gave up at 8.30.. Which is quite the sleep in regarding the fact that I usually get out of bed at 5.15 every morning.

Yesteday was spent with my lovely friend Sandra and her family.
Sandra and I went to college in Sweden together. Studying journalism.
We've since stayed friends and she's definitely one of those people that I never ever wanna lose.
Life would just not be the same without a friend like her.
So Sandra, let's grow old together, yea? :)

Right now I'm waiting for my little friend Mathilda to get her butt out of bed and pick me up.
We're headed to her place for a.. well.. a love party.. or as most people would say.. a sex party.
Yes, that does sound like something that American people think that Swedish people are up to on a regular basis.. But get your heads out of the gutter you dirrty Americans! It's not what it sounds like.
Thank goodness.
Basically it's like a Tupperware party.. but instead of lunch boxes... Sex toys.
Aaaaand I know I know.. Most of my friends are in complete chock reading this right now.. "YOU??".
And you're not wrong.. It sure is not something that I would do.
I'm a prude and damn proud of it, but when my littlest friend, who is pretty much like a little sister to me, asks me to come.. I'm not gonna say no.
To me, tonight is pretty much gonna be a 50 shades of tomato for me.
I blush so easily and tonight will def not be an exception.
I have prepared with a bottle of wine. Ha.. Oh dear..

Well, I'm off.
I will update you all with picture tomorrow night.

LOVE

Wed...Friday?

Weird week this week. Only worked Mon-Wed. So even tho its Wed today.. It's like Friday?
WORST day ever at work today.. NOTHING was working, no one to fix the ish and a whole lot of sitting around, waiting, hoping that someone could get it sorted.. I don't roll like that.
If I'm at work.. I wanna work.. or I could just as well have stayed at home.
Only good thing is that I still get payed. So that's a silver lining I suppose.

Have had a good night tonight, catching up with an old friend.
Updated her on the generally good things that's been going on in my life for the past 4 years.
Jordan situation, miscarriage, MS and so on.. ya'll know.

Earlier, after work I met up with one of my besties for a coffee date down town.
She's truly one of the most amazing people I know.
Right now just at home relaxing before it's time to sleep.
Have a date with the washing machine tomorrow morning at 7 so can't stay up to late.
Even tho it's already past midnight. Ha.. Nice one, Lindhs.

I've been debating on if I should pick up the guitar and learn how to play..
It's just sitting in my room and I don't even know how to play.. Shame.
Would also be pretty sweet to dust off the Violin again sometime.. I haven't played for years now and not even sure I still remember how to?
I just miss music.. A lot..
It's my one true outlet when it comes to emotions and words I can't find or say on my own..
There's always that song that will describe exactly how you're feeling.
Right now that would be Afrojack - "Ten Feet Tall", for me.
SO much emotion in that song.. I'm hooked.

It is now officially may.. It's 12.09am. Officially my birthday month..
This I will celebrate with trying to fall asleep..

Talk tomorrow, lovers.

x

Ten Feet Tall

You build me up
Make me what I never was
You build me up
From nothing into something
Yeah, something from the dust

Been trying so hard not to let it show
But you got me feeling like
I'm stepping on buildings, cars and boats
I swear I could touch the sky

German babies with pink balloons?

Stressful day.
Was on the verge of an Anxiety attack last night, when finally.. after a week and a half of silence, my sweet friend FINALLY got in touch. It was so timed it's ridiculous.
Kept me going through today, tho I could still feel that anxiety in the back of my head waiting to party.
Still have not touched my meds.

Spent my afternoon with my bestie, Isabell.
Got some serious baby cuddles that will hold me over for a while.
I want a whole football team of my own. Some day..
I'm just in pure bliss when I get to be around children.
I miss working with kids.
For 7 years I did it as a profession but it was years before that I started babysitting.

My birthday is right around the corner now. Ppl keep asking me what I want for my day.. and in all honesty.. I just want a good day, with my friends and for someone to bake me a cake.
Maybe a pink balloon too.. A pink balloon would be nice.
I wouldn't mind a cute boy either.... Wrapped up in a pink bow.. Awe............. *dreams away*

I REALLY wanna be in Germany right now.. Berlin to be specific.
I'm kind of stressing over it and stress triggers my anxiety so that's no good..

Gonna try and unwind now so I can hopefully get some sleep.. cause sure didn't sleep much last night.

LOVE

Weekend, over..

Hey lovers!

So weekend is just about over and I feel like we should cry about it for a second.
- No.. Really.

It's been a good weekend. Like I told you earlier, friday was spend with my little friend Mathilda with whom I get to spend WAY to little time with now days.
Saturday.. I pretty much burned a whole in my wallet with all the shopping that went down.
But I deserved some new stuff. I've been doing really well these past few weeks so I felt I should treat myself a little bit.
After shopping I got home, got changed and went over to my dearest friends house.
I've known Dorothea since she was 2 and I was 3yrs old.. So we're pretty much family at this point.
We had a good ol' fashioned BBQ.
Lots of kids running around, the smell of BBQ in the air, and good company.
Exactly what life should be like!
Today has been the weekly cleaning day.
It's actually been good even tho I've missed out on the absolutely GORGEOUS weather outside.
It's gonna be even hotter out tomorrow so hopefully I'll manage to get some sun on my lunchbreak...
I'm getting SO many freckles in this sunshine I can't deal.. I HAAAATE my freckles.. I feel like a dalmatian..

Anyways.. It's around that time when I need to unwind and fall asleep.. Work tomorrow.. blah..
Thankfully a short week.. Mon-Wed so will go by quick.

Hope you all are doing well out there. xoxo

It's a good day to spend some money

Uhghhh...uu..ugh..
I was JUST gonna go out for a few beers after work with a friend.
Yep.. Well.. we did have a few beers... and a drink.. and shots... Ugh..
I'm not hung over.. but I'm guessing my bank account is.
Oh well.. I hardly ever get to hang out with my little Mathilda and it's def not every day I get to get her drunk. Love that girl.. She's like a sister to me. Can't believe she'll be graduating this year!

Anyways.. It's pretty sweet how Exchange fans come to me, to ME for things they wanna put together/do for the boys.. with little ideas and such.. I'm all for it. If I can help, I will help.
Just cute how for some reason.. they want MY help!
I'm honored.
Right now I'm cooking up a little something for the boys with a girl who apparently waited a few weeks to PM me with the idea lol, I'm loving this one.
Will be fun to see it develop and the finished product. I'm sure the boys will love it.

Later today I will be booking flights to Finland with Madeléne.
This cruise will be effin epic! It's almost like a little "Exchange Europe Staff trip".
Loving these girls and how they all have me loling all day every day.
Especially Tiina.. she's HILARIOUS!! The comments she comes up with is.. pure gold.
So grateful to have these 3 fantastic ppl in my life. They def bring me joy.

In other news.. Yesterday was payday.. so today is I'M-GOING-SHOPPING-DAY!!

I'm out!

LOVE y'all!

This is us!

Assuming

Happy Easter, or.. belated Easter?
I just got done with my first day at work back from Easter break.
It's been an overwhelming weekend for me.. Emotional to say the least.

I've had this awesome person in my life these past 2 months.
This person has been SO supportive and kind to me trough my anxiety.
He's had me lifted enough to keep me off my meds.
He'd probably say that I did it all on my own.. But truth of the matter is.. I couldn't have done it without him.
And for that I will be forever grateful.
The sad thing is.. I've not been able to enjoy this person lately do to other people butting in, assuming things and making things their business. Which is sad..
Cause.. Being who I am, coming from the background that I do..
I already find it hard to enjoy good things in life.. and ppl making this even harder.. have made me want to back off.
I'm really tired off all the assuming going on.
I am an grateful person. I've never had much to be grateful for in life.. growing up.
Never really had someone who asked how I was doing, and actually cared.
Now, I have things in life to be grateful for.. So grateful.. a BEAUTIFUL group of friends that love and support me, among other things.
If someone shows me kindness, I respond with gratitude.
To me, that should be natural to any person.. But it seems it isn't as my gratitude seams to be mistaken for something else.
This person who's kept me smiling lately, I have love for him.. but I am not in any way, IN love with him.
I am grateful for him giving me attention and asking how I am doing.
I am grateful that he takes time out of his day to check in on me every now and then.
But that's it. I am Grateful.
So if people could stop speculating and assuming things, it would be greatly appreciated.
I've decided to just simply.. back off.. I do not have the strength to deal with drama right now.
I've already set my instagram, facebook & twitter to private to minimize the snooping.
I don't think I can do much more than that.

That's all for me right now..
Stay good.

I miss my Santa Monica apt!!

Deep state of mind

Good morning? Or.. Night?
Woke up at 4.30 and now I can't fall asleep.
When all else fails.. Blog.

Anyways.. I had a complete melt down 2 nights ago.. I can without a doubt say that, that.. was the worst attack I've EVER had.. It was more than just anxiety.. it was a full blown panic attack.
I found my anxiety meds that same night.. They had rolled under my bed.
I put three pills in my hand and... heard that magic sentence in my head.. "I'm so proud of you"... and I just couldn't take them... It was like a block!
I couldn't do it.. I needed to.. then more than ever.. But.. I couldn't do it.
Thankfully I had good friends to help me through the worst part of it, they distracted me enough so I could calm myself and get back out of it.
I just HOPE that i NEVER get an attack THAT bad again.. cause in all seriousness,
I don't ever wanna have to just.. sit through that again.
I kind of know, and understand where the attack was triggered from..
THAT guy.. I know what ya'll are thinking now.. "LET HIM GO"...
And that's just the thing.. I feel that I am..
And it's been so long, that I don't remember how to NOT love him..
I have loved him so deeply for the last 4 years now.. and..I just.. Don't know what It's like not loving him.
Shit really went down with that situation and a lot of "unfinished business" that is still there..
But I guess me doing so good lately and being in a more happy place.. has helped me to disconnect from him enough to actually be ready to let him go...
I will always hold him close to my heart.. But I can't love him like I used to. For my own sake.

Am gonna try and get some more sleep now..
I hope you all are doing well, and.. Happy Easter!

HappyThankYouMorePlease!

I've had a great day. I have my sparkle back!!

I can't even remember the last time I felt this good. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be happy. But I can genuinely say.. I'm doing good. Real good. 

I have a fantastic support system for ones and I trust the universe fully to take me where I need to be, when I need to be there.

Apparently the universe did not think it would be a good idea for me to be back in Jersey next month..

I guess I kind of sort of agree... deep down.. But HE is there. And I would have LOVED to run in to him... Tho that would probably have been the absolute worst thing for me at the moment.
And the fact that I understand this.. Is a step in the right direction.
He will always be THAT guy for me.. But I need to let him go.. Mind and heart. And I think it's about that time.. and then some. But hey.. Better late then never.

Right now I'm curled up in bed with my puppy.

Is it fair she's taking up 4, FOUR pillows and I have to do with one?? 

And mind you.. She's a chihuahua!
Love this little terrorist. 

I've been craving a trip to SoCal lately.. I miss Santa Monica and 3rd street.
Sitting by the football field at my old school, SMC and checkin out the team practice. 

Mmm Life. Definitely miss it.
Am gonna try and make it back to Cali at the end of this year.

First, NY and FL tho.. Have my awesome FL family that I'm dying to see and NY... Well.. NY needs no explanation. 

Might hopefully get to go upstate NY this time.. Never been.. Bout time I'd say.. and hopefully good people will be home so I can see some familiar faces! 

As for right now... Bed time.. 

Fall in love... and fall hard while your at it.. one of these times.. It's gonna be worth it. 

Crazy Cruiser

Sunday night and I'm SO not ready for this weekend to be over...
Where did it go?
I've got a weird gut feeling that something is about to go down.
This feeling never sit well with me, cause usually.. I'm right.
I would LOVE to take 2 of my magic pills right now to make it go away.. BUT... "I'm so proud of you" keeps ringing in my ears which makes me not take them.. Tho I want to.. so bad!

It's been a chill day tho.. Went to bed at 4am.. rolled out of bed at 7 when the girls woke me up with their facebook messages lol... "Aaron tweeted..." Lol.. to much free time!
I love these girls.. they're my kind of crazy!
We're planing a lil cruise end of May, will be good to see everyone again.
We talk all day every day.. But it's just not the same as getting together, having drinks and dancing the night away.

On a different note.. Me and Anna cancelled my birthday trip to New York, last night.
Sad.. But we're planing in heading over there later this year.
Probably over Halloween.
Visit some friends, new and old and just.. Enjoy my magic place.
Anna has never been to NY, or even been to the US so will be awesome to introduce her to the Man in my life.. Manhattan. The only man who's never failed me.

Am gonna hit "The Secret" real heard again..
I haven't done the work in a while now and I could need it so.. going back over it again.

Anyways.. Finally time to unwind.. watch a movie and fall asleep.
Hope you all enjoyed the weekend.

HappyThankYouMorePlease

Me and my broken heart

Goood Morning, lovers!

Double Laundry Party!

I'm double booked tomorrow.
I'm excited about it to.. Is that sad? Ha!
It's just that, I really really love seeing as much of my friends as I possibly can on weekends, as that is my only time off work.
And another thing is that it's SO much more fun getting dressed up for a night out now days when I'm 90lbs less than i was a year ago.
It's bizarre looking back at old pictures of myself from back then.. I don't know that girl anymore.
I like myself nowdays.. And I love taking care of myself.
Sure, obviously I have my issused and LOADS of baggage, but we all do.. More or less.
I'm just thankful for the fact that I'm now aware of my situation and all the "why's".
It's good to know why I am the way I am.. And not just walk around thinking I'm strange and alone.
Cause nope.. there's thousands of "me" out there.. ACA, is unfortunately very common.

Just got done with my laundry. I love doing laundry.. Yea yea.. I never said I was normal.. (no shit).
I just love clean! Fresh, crisp, nice smelling clean clothes! Mmm..!

Anyways.. I'm doing real good lately. It's a strange feeling.. I keep looking for my meds.. but I don't need them.. Which is probably a good thing.. cause I can't for the love of God, remember where I put them!!?
That alone gives me anxiety, Ha!

Am gonna try and get someone to guest-blog in here.
Switch it up a lil.

Untill next time my lovelies.. Be safe, and take care of each other.

Friday!

Hey, just hit me that it's friday tomorrow!
Saturday I'm double booked with 2 different parties to attend.
As one of the parties is the birthday party for my bestest friend.. I'm gonna have to divide my time.
Gonna swing by her place first, and then move on to the next party and hopefully we can all meet up out in the city.
I don't know what I would do without my friends.
It's the closest thing to a family I've ever had.
I know I owe my all to them, and I will spend my life making sure they are happy.
That's what family, in my mind.. is.
I miss my New York & New Jersey friends.. A LOT!
I haven't seen them since forever now it feels like.. and it's not a good feeling.
I'm debating on if I should head over in june for two weeks.. tie it in with the three Backstreet shows in NY & NJ at the same time.. But I don't know if I should wait for halloween later this year.. nothing beets Halloween on Manhattan..
My magic place.. probably the one place on this planet I feel completely at ease.
In the mist of all the madness and craziness that is Manhattan.. I'm completely calm.


Anyways.. Tomorrow is friday.. Let's make it a good one!

"I'm so proud of you"

I'm home sick.. Not homesick.. At home, sick.
It was a hectic and emotional weekend..
Jenn, Madelene and I flew over to the UK for the last two Backstreet Boys Europe dates.
I actually flew over more or less for the opening act..
The Exchange have come to mean a lot to me.
Maybe especially one member of the group who's def been a support and comfort place for me when I've had troubles with my anxiety.
I've still not had to take my meds since first meeting these guys back in march.
They, he.. just keeps me in a happy place where I just don't have a need for my meds.
It's hard to explain anxiety for someone who has never suffered from it personally.
Most people will just tell me to brush it off and get over it... But it's far from that easy.
There's a reason to why ppl take medication for this.
You wouldn't tell someone with Asthma to get over it, would you?
Anyways.. There are no words to explain the gratefulness I have towards Aaron and the other guys.
Aaron for his warm words of support. "I'm so proud of you" can, and does go a LONG way with me.
Especially since I never had that before.. someone to give me a warm hug and tell me they're proud of me for something.. It's a nice feeling and it makes me wanna push even harder.
As of right now.. I'm struggling to find that "happy place" to hold on to,
I've found it helps my anxiety to always have something to look forward too, now.. I have no focus.
too keep my head above water..
I know the boys will announce new dates in Europe to perform.. but until they do... I guess I'm gonna have to try and sit back and relax, and wait for a tweet to slap that smile back on my face.. :)

But as for right now.. I'm gonna keep resting so my cold will go away.
Don't ever forget to show ppl that means something to you, just how grateful you are.
It makes all the difference.

All Saints

At work. Bored out of my mind with nothing to do.. So why not update the blog?
Did NOT get enough sleep last night. So feel like everything is going in slomo at the moment.
Which is good.. tired = no chance for anxiety.

It is today one week til London!! Excited beyond words for this!
THREE big reasons. Exchange, Backstreet boys and All Saints.
All saints is opening for the Backstreet Boys in the UK and I can't wait!
I've been an Saints fan since the late 90's SO glad they're back.
Hope they're doing the old hits, "Never Ever" being my favorite!
As for The Exchange.. No words! I feel like a little school girl with these boys.
Completely stoopified!
I just hope that they will never get "celebrity" get the best of them and that they will stay true to them selves and what they do, as attention on them grows.
I would HATE to see them get big headed and forget what's important in what they do.

Exchanging BSB, Aaron... Carter??

I like nice people.
And I don't mean.. like everyone else likes nice people. I mean i get really excited over nice people.
Is that sad? Kind of, hu?
I just.. I don't know.. I see people treat each other like dirt, so when I come across someone nice.. I get really.. happy? lol
Yea yea.. I never said I was "normal".

I'm in such a weird state of mind this past month.
Going on tour is bitter sweet for me.. do to certain people working with the backstreets.
I keep a low profile around the boys, in respect to this person.
I mean.. yea.. Ya'll know..
"Someone" looks A LOT like his brother and it's hard to be around him.. cause all I see is.. THAT guy.
Whatevs, it is what it is..



Tomorrow it's one week until me and Jenn touch down in London.
I can not wait. And i can't stress that enough!
I really can not wait! No, really.
I'm honestly more excited to get to see The Exchange again than to see my boys.
Love those guys. Raw talent.
Truly appreciate them.
Especially Aaron who's got me lifted from anxiety this past week.
He's been such a sweetheart and i truly truly appreciate him.
It takes so little to snap me out of anxiety if it's from "the right person".





I have two weeks left at my job then it's time to start looking for a new job.
I wanna work with people.. around people and towards people.
An office 9-5 job is NOT my thing.
It's not long until I get to go back home to NY again.
I truly can't wait.. Home! Haven't been back since october 2011 now and that's the longest I've ever been away from my favorite place on earth! It's gonna be fun to introduce the new me to my friends back there. They saw me last when I was 90lbs heavier and a brunette, and broken for that matter.

Well.. I need to try and sleep now before thoughts start spinning.

Grateful.