It's been a GOOD week,
a few bumps, but nothing I haven't been able to handle.
I'm major crushing on all my friends right now and I'm just SOOOO thankful that they are MY friends.. mine! How did I get so lucky?
I'm loving little Felicia and the fantastic strong person that she is!
And my friendship with little J is better than it's been in months.
My sister asked me to be her bridesmaid at her wedding next months.
Naturally my answer was, "WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG TO ASK!!!... But Yes!"
I'm just... Thankful!
Tomorrow my moomin is coming to town for a visit!
We try to meet up every few months or so, It's always a laugh when I'm with her and I'm truly happy we've stayed in touch,
Moomin, or.. Jasmi and I were Au Pairs in the US at the same time.
We were 2 out of 6 Swedes who were flew over at the same time.
Anyways, after I meet up with Mooms tomorrow I'm going out with my childhood friend and party pal, Daniela. This girl is HILARIOUS! There's just no one like her. Anywhere.
Well, I gotta get some sleep now. Packed day tomorrow.
xoxo
stat
Friday, January 30, 2015
Thursday, January 29, 2015
High school BS
Someone made me question myself today. I don't appreciate that..
Someone made me actually question myself if I'm actually a good person or not.
I AM a good person, I'm human, i make mistakes, sure. But I AM a good person.
I confront people. I don't take shit.
When I hear that someone has said something about me in a negative manner, I ask if and why they did that.
This cause I don't want things to grow and become a huge thing so I'll rather just crush any drama before it becomes, drama.
This, is not ok in Sweden.. You don't confront people here. You just roll over and play dead.
If someone is throwing shit at you, you stay put, smile and ask for more.
I don't roll like that. Never did never will.
So when someone asks me to just.. live with the fact that people talk about me.
- How about no?
I will stand up for myself. I will confront.
If people don't like it, don't talk about me.
And don't, do NOT put words in my mouth. I will stand for everything I say about people, I don't need anyone to talk for me or tell anyone anything that I didn't say.
What is this? High school? COME ON!!
Good night.
Someone made me actually question myself if I'm actually a good person or not.
I AM a good person, I'm human, i make mistakes, sure. But I AM a good person.
I confront people. I don't take shit.
When I hear that someone has said something about me in a negative manner, I ask if and why they did that.
This cause I don't want things to grow and become a huge thing so I'll rather just crush any drama before it becomes, drama.
This, is not ok in Sweden.. You don't confront people here. You just roll over and play dead.
If someone is throwing shit at you, you stay put, smile and ask for more.
I don't roll like that. Never did never will.
So when someone asks me to just.. live with the fact that people talk about me.
- How about no?
I will stand up for myself. I will confront.
If people don't like it, don't talk about me.
And don't, do NOT put words in my mouth. I will stand for everything I say about people, I don't need anyone to talk for me or tell anyone anything that I didn't say.
What is this? High school? COME ON!!
Good night.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Di Caprio
It's not about how many times you fall apart. It's about how many times you put yourself back together again.
I've done it, time and time again. This time tho is some what different from the other times.. I don't know how and why. Maybe it's not for me to understand? I don't know.
Today has been a good day. I'm slowly but surely finding my way back to that sense of security again. He's showing me kindness and compassion and I'm taking it in, All of it.
I don't know what's going through his mind from day to day, but I'm trying to just take one day at a time and see where it takes me. I'm just grateful in the moment to have him there next to me.
Love him to death!
I've been applying for a new job, I'm REALLY wanting to go back to my old company, TeliaSonera.
It's the best employer I've ever had, I applied for two jobs with them today. Keep your fingers crossed! I REALLY want this one!
I'm gonna make an attempt to watch "The Great Gatsby" now, I've tried 2 times earlier but fallen asleep within the first 20 min. I absolutely LOVE everything Leonardo Di Caprio, but I'm embarrassingly tired when I get home from work.
Anyways.. Keep your fingers crossed for me regarding the job, and send me some positive thoughts!
xoxo
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Seasons
Listen honey, to every word I say
I know that you don't trust me
But I'm better than the stories about me
Everybody messes up someday
Ain't got no rhyme or reason
All I know is that I'm yours, yours, yours with every season.
Västerås
I'm home.
Back home in Västerås. It feels like it's been forever since I got to spend some time in my own apartment.
Altho It's been good for me to be in the company of my dear friend Hannah for two months.. It's time to get back to reality and my own routines. I need to get back in to training and eating healthy.
My baby sister is getting married in a month so will be fun to be near her and help her out any way I can with planing and organizing.
I've been starting to crave change. I've always been on the run, for the major part of my life.
Everytime I'm doing really poorly mentally, I tend to pick up and move, from this country.
I'm trying really hard to NOT do that this time,. From experience that never helps on a long term. It's just a temporary solution.
Instead I'm looking for more, "Right now" change. Like maybe.. Switching jobs, reconnecting with old friends, working on myself and my trauma. Things that will provide a more, healthy change. You know?
I don't know why I've been doing so poorly lately, I can't pinpoint one specific situation.
I think, THINK it's the lack of security and stability I've been feeling lately.
The need for someone to just, look at me and give me that sense of.. "Everything is ok, you got this".
That and the whole Jordan thing being brought up again. I'm trying HARD to not let that push me down. It's hard tho.. Cause.. It's Jordan.. and well.. You all know..
Also got a haircut.. Again, the need for change ;)
But really tho. It was quite the makeover! To go from really long hair, to REALLY short hair. New color and everything. I'm really happy with it. I'm always happy and content with anything my dear friend and hairdresser, Mathilda does with my hair. She's magic!
Untill next time.
xoxo
Back home in Västerås. It feels like it's been forever since I got to spend some time in my own apartment.
Altho It's been good for me to be in the company of my dear friend Hannah for two months.. It's time to get back to reality and my own routines. I need to get back in to training and eating healthy.
My baby sister is getting married in a month so will be fun to be near her and help her out any way I can with planing and organizing.
I've been starting to crave change. I've always been on the run, for the major part of my life.
Everytime I'm doing really poorly mentally, I tend to pick up and move, from this country.
I'm trying really hard to NOT do that this time,. From experience that never helps on a long term. It's just a temporary solution.
Instead I'm looking for more, "Right now" change. Like maybe.. Switching jobs, reconnecting with old friends, working on myself and my trauma. Things that will provide a more, healthy change. You know?
I don't know why I've been doing so poorly lately, I can't pinpoint one specific situation.
I think, THINK it's the lack of security and stability I've been feeling lately.
The need for someone to just, look at me and give me that sense of.. "Everything is ok, you got this".
That and the whole Jordan thing being brought up again. I'm trying HARD to not let that push me down. It's hard tho.. Cause.. It's Jordan.. and well.. You all know..
Also got a haircut.. Again, the need for change ;)
But really tho. It was quite the makeover! To go from really long hair, to REALLY short hair. New color and everything. I'm really happy with it. I'm always happy and content with anything my dear friend and hairdresser, Mathilda does with my hair. She's magic!
Untill next time.
xoxo
Thursday, January 22, 2015
I'm stayingin my spot!
Thursday.
I felt a little stronger this morning but then I get to work and am forced to sit next to him. Like everyday.
I choose to stay in my spot even tho we're not taking anymore.
I stay because I don't want to deal with the questions as to why I'm NOT next to him. I stay in my spot cause.. despite him ignoring me to the point where in actually staying to doubt my own existence, he still means the absolut world to me and he still gives me a sense of security. That's why I stay.
Things got instantly brighter the second my little waffle, Felicia walked in to work. She's my little star! I see myself in her. She's just like me, the way I was three years ago.
This girl has all the potential in the world to be and go wherever she wants. All she needs is a little guidance, something I'm trying to give her. Sucks that she's moving in a few months.
Other than that. I'm going home for a few hours tomorrow. Have an appointment with Mathilda. My friend and hairdresser. I'm in desperate need of a makeover and I trust her blindly to deal with this mop they call hair!
After that it's back to Eskilstuna for some After Work with the colleagues.
I'm not sure I'll stick around all night tho.. It all depends if HE will be there and how he treats me. Time will tell.
Time to sleep now. Long busy day tomorrow.
P.s. check out Felicias blog and what she wrote about me. ♡
Felicias blog
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
This Too Shall Pass...
Not again I scream
Over-analyzing everything
The circle of us
Won't break it's pattern
Won't seize cause
I am your stubborn hypocritical lover
Guarded by thorns of my past
You have been wounded, bled out
Anger gushing
And none of us thought it would last
The winds of your ego
The waves of my tears
Made the most perfect almighty storm
That we've seen this year
But experience gathered
We've learned from our past
So don't worry darling
This too shall pass
Soul-bruising, I look at you
Accusingly cause I am black and blue
Emotional fist
You are the only man who makes me feel like this
I am your weakness, I am your protector
But who will protect you from me?
The damage is obvious, patch me together
Loosen your grip boy, I can't breathe
The winds of your ego
The waves of my tears
Made the most perfect almighty storm
That we've seen this year
But experience gathered
We've learned from our past
So don't worry darling
This too shall pass
Over-analyzing everything
The circle of us
Won't break it's pattern
Won't seize cause
I am your stubborn hypocritical lover
Guarded by thorns of my past
You have been wounded, bled out
Anger gushing
And none of us thought it would last
The winds of your ego
The waves of my tears
Made the most perfect almighty storm
That we've seen this year
But experience gathered
We've learned from our past
So don't worry darling
This too shall pass
Soul-bruising, I look at you
Accusingly cause I am black and blue
Emotional fist
You are the only man who makes me feel like this
I am your weakness, I am your protector
But who will protect you from me?
The damage is obvious, patch me together
Loosen your grip boy, I can't breathe
The winds of your ego
The waves of my tears
Made the most perfect almighty storm
That we've seen this year
But experience gathered
We've learned from our past
So don't worry darling
This too shall pass
Emotional
It's been an EMOTIONAL two days.
The kind of emotional when you really doubt you'll be ok in the end.. I'm still questioning it.
I don't handle abandonment well. At all.
It's the deepest form of pain for me.. To be left behind.
To have someone willingly turn their back on me.. It cuts deep. Very deep.
I've lost someone whom I held CLOSE to my heart.. Not even close, but IN my heart.
The kind of person who you feel so comfortable with, trust so deeply and care so much about that they become a part of your heart.. I've lost that person.
And the hardest thing about it.. they left without explanation.
It leaves me questioning myself..
To go from someone who was introduced as their best female friend, to someone who doesn't even exist in their world.
The pain.. it becomes more than a mental state of mind..
I feel it on every level of my existence.
Abandonment..
I have to heal my heart and accept the fact that they have left me.
Things like this always takes me forever.. But I've done it before, and I'll do it again.
I just hope this doesn't scare me off from opening up and trusting people in the future.
Despite all this, and no matter what happens.. I will never have a bad word to say about you.
When someone asks about you I will simply smile and be grateful for the friendship that you showed me and for the unbelievable kind person that you are.
Never doubt that. Ever.
Thank You
The kind of emotional when you really doubt you'll be ok in the end.. I'm still questioning it.
I don't handle abandonment well. At all.
It's the deepest form of pain for me.. To be left behind.
To have someone willingly turn their back on me.. It cuts deep. Very deep.
I've lost someone whom I held CLOSE to my heart.. Not even close, but IN my heart.
The kind of person who you feel so comfortable with, trust so deeply and care so much about that they become a part of your heart.. I've lost that person.
And the hardest thing about it.. they left without explanation.
It leaves me questioning myself..
To go from someone who was introduced as their best female friend, to someone who doesn't even exist in their world.
The pain.. it becomes more than a mental state of mind..
I feel it on every level of my existence.
Abandonment..
I have to heal my heart and accept the fact that they have left me.
Things like this always takes me forever.. But I've done it before, and I'll do it again.
I just hope this doesn't scare me off from opening up and trusting people in the future.
Despite all this, and no matter what happens.. I will never have a bad word to say about you.
When someone asks about you I will simply smile and be grateful for the friendship that you showed me and for the unbelievable kind person that you are.
Never doubt that. Ever.
Thank You
Monday, January 19, 2015
In Swedish!
Hej alla!!
Jag har en fin vän som har blivit nominerad till Årets Manliga Idrottare i Flens idrottsgala.
Skulle uppskatta om ni ville lägga en röst på honom.
Såhär gör ni.
Ni skickar ett SMS till nr: 0733-545436
Kategori: Årets Manliga Idrottare - Johan Wallström
Sen skriver ni bara under med ert namn och skicka iväg!
- KLART!
SMSet är ingen betalnummer så det kommer inte kosta er mer än ett vanligt SMS.
Tack för hjälpen!
Jag har en fin vän som har blivit nominerad till Årets Manliga Idrottare i Flens idrottsgala.
Skulle uppskatta om ni ville lägga en röst på honom.
Såhär gör ni.
Ni skickar ett SMS till nr: 0733-545436
Kategori: Årets Manliga Idrottare - Johan Wallström
Sen skriver ni bara under med ert namn och skicka iväg!
- KLART!
SMSet är ingen betalnummer så det kommer inte kosta er mer än ett vanligt SMS.
Tack för hjälpen!
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Adult Children.
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
-
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
-
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
-
We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
-
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality
such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
-
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our
love and friendship relationships.
-
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned
with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults,
etc.
-
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
-
We became addicted to excitement.
-
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
-
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to
feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
-
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
-
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to
hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we
received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
-
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the
characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
-
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Gratitude
I'm forever grateful for people like you.
Genuine and selfless.
If it wasn't for your kindness, today would have been one of the worst days ever.
Thank you for lifting my spirit and reminding me why I keep fighting every day.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Will you love me?
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
Brockovich
Two good days in a row now.
Even tho this day felt like a year, it was still a good day.
It feels like things are a little.. lighter between me and my rock.. Still not like it used to be.. But better. And better.. is all I can ask for.
I'm really missing Hannah now.. She's been gone since Friday and I'm more than ready for her to come home now. And so is my dog, cause she's at the point where she's happy to see ME when i come home from work.. and that's just.. not right.
Hannah.. come home.. you broke my dog!!
I'm starting to feel again, like it's fun to go to work every day.
I had a dip in december where I just.. didn't enjoy it.
I think a lot of it had to do with me and little J drifting a part and because of my medical situation right now..
My medical situation has really had me down.
I needed time to process it and think about what it really meant for me if any of the diagnosis turned out to be.. Real?
I'm still waiting for my MRI.. The waiting is definitely not easy.. It's the not knowing that effs me over. It's not ultimate for someone with anxiety.
But anyways, like I said.. I'm enjoying work again and as soon as I step outside of work I start planing in my head what I'm gonna wear the next day, how I'm gonna wear my hair.. which usually just turns out as a bun anyways.. But still.. a girl can still plan?!
Erin Brockovich on TV now.. Might update again later..
xoxo
Even tho this day felt like a year, it was still a good day.
It feels like things are a little.. lighter between me and my rock.. Still not like it used to be.. But better. And better.. is all I can ask for.
I'm really missing Hannah now.. She's been gone since Friday and I'm more than ready for her to come home now. And so is my dog, cause she's at the point where she's happy to see ME when i come home from work.. and that's just.. not right.
Hannah.. come home.. you broke my dog!!
I'm starting to feel again, like it's fun to go to work every day.
I had a dip in december where I just.. didn't enjoy it.
I think a lot of it had to do with me and little J drifting a part and because of my medical situation right now..
My medical situation has really had me down.
I needed time to process it and think about what it really meant for me if any of the diagnosis turned out to be.. Real?
I'm still waiting for my MRI.. The waiting is definitely not easy.. It's the not knowing that effs me over. It's not ultimate for someone with anxiety.
But anyways, like I said.. I'm enjoying work again and as soon as I step outside of work I start planing in my head what I'm gonna wear the next day, how I'm gonna wear my hair.. which usually just turns out as a bun anyways.. But still.. a girl can still plan?!
Erin Brockovich on TV now.. Might update again later..
xoxo
Monday, January 12, 2015
Waffle
Just got back from work.
It's been one of those days when your not quite sure what you did all day.
Someone snapped their fingers and then the day was over, type of thing.
Mondays are usually a LONG day, but for some reason, today.. was a fast and short day.
My new meds have been noted at work. It's very apparent when my colleagues comment on the fact that I'm not the bubbly, happy, smiley, Lindah anymore.
I'm just... flat.
Not happy, not unhappy... just... flat.
It warms my heart when they notice a change in me.
"We don't recognize our Lindah".. OUR Lindah!
I love my peeps at work. At least most of them.
We're having our monthly After Work party next Friday. SERIOUSLY excited!
It's been 2 months since our last one, as Christmas got in the way and the one before that.. I wish I could undo that one.
But yea, do it over, do it right!
This time I hope my little waffle, Felicia will join us.
She's my mini me. Someone I can relate to do to the fact that she is me, 3 years ago.
Same type of childhood trauma and same type of personality traits that came with it.
I hold her close to my heart for that reason.
And even tho I know that she will be moving to a different city, and I haven't known her for more than a few months.. I will always be here to support her and help her through anything, should she ever need me.
Finally got to skype my Favorite Norwegian, last night!
It's been WAY to long.
We talked a little about life, Backstreet Boys and the future of ExchangersUnited.com's twitter account. From now on, I will be running that account.
I love our little project we have going on with the website.
Tess does all the coding and the actual work with the website, and I'm more helpful when it comes to info as I keep in touch with management and the boys, so I provide her with anything we need for the site, like pictures of the guys and what not.
Richard was kind enough to give us a BUNCH of photos of the boys to use for promoting.
Really good pictures that we can use that's not been seen or published yet by the boys.
It will be good to have some fresh pics to share with the fans as they've probably seen every published photo about a million times by now.
We really do our best to keep the Exchangers updated and activated while the boys do what they need to do to get their name out there. They REALLY do deserve to make it. Big time.
They have the talent, they have the tools and they're lucky enough to have a group of hardcore Backstreet Fans as their core fanbase in Europe.
Backstreet fans have been around for 22 years now. We have the connections and we know what it means to follow a "boy band".
We might be used to having it a certain way, we're spoiled if you will.
But we're willing to be patient and to help the boys as much as we can.
I can't wait to see what their next step is.
Anyways, gonna watch some TV now and just.. relax.
Leave a comment and tell me who you are and where you're from.
Would love to know you!
xoxo
It's been one of those days when your not quite sure what you did all day.
Someone snapped their fingers and then the day was over, type of thing.
Mondays are usually a LONG day, but for some reason, today.. was a fast and short day.
My new meds have been noted at work. It's very apparent when my colleagues comment on the fact that I'm not the bubbly, happy, smiley, Lindah anymore.
I'm just... flat.
Not happy, not unhappy... just... flat.
It warms my heart when they notice a change in me.
"We don't recognize our Lindah".. OUR Lindah!
I love my peeps at work. At least most of them.
We're having our monthly After Work party next Friday. SERIOUSLY excited!
It's been 2 months since our last one, as Christmas got in the way and the one before that.. I wish I could undo that one.
But yea, do it over, do it right!
This time I hope my little waffle, Felicia will join us.
She's my mini me. Someone I can relate to do to the fact that she is me, 3 years ago.
Same type of childhood trauma and same type of personality traits that came with it.
I hold her close to my heart for that reason.
And even tho I know that she will be moving to a different city, and I haven't known her for more than a few months.. I will always be here to support her and help her through anything, should she ever need me.
Finally got to skype my Favorite Norwegian, last night!
It's been WAY to long.
We talked a little about life, Backstreet Boys and the future of ExchangersUnited.com's twitter account. From now on, I will be running that account.
I love our little project we have going on with the website.
Tess does all the coding and the actual work with the website, and I'm more helpful when it comes to info as I keep in touch with management and the boys, so I provide her with anything we need for the site, like pictures of the guys and what not.
Richard was kind enough to give us a BUNCH of photos of the boys to use for promoting.
Really good pictures that we can use that's not been seen or published yet by the boys.
It will be good to have some fresh pics to share with the fans as they've probably seen every published photo about a million times by now.
We really do our best to keep the Exchangers updated and activated while the boys do what they need to do to get their name out there. They REALLY do deserve to make it. Big time.
They have the talent, they have the tools and they're lucky enough to have a group of hardcore Backstreet Fans as their core fanbase in Europe.
Backstreet fans have been around for 22 years now. We have the connections and we know what it means to follow a "boy band".
We might be used to having it a certain way, we're spoiled if you will.
But we're willing to be patient and to help the boys as much as we can.
I can't wait to see what their next step is.
Anyways, gonna watch some TV now and just.. relax.
Leave a comment and tell me who you are and where you're from.
Would love to know you!
xoxo
Sunday, January 11, 2015
The wounded one
I wanted to write about me. Not just.. what I do every day and what's in my head.
I mean.. ME. Who I am and why.
Dig a little deeper, ya know?
Most of my friends know I haven't had what you would call.. "an easy life".
To be perfectly honest.. My life has been anything BUT easy.
The only logical explanation to me still being alive, would be my friends.
I get attached to people really easily. When I see and find something good in someone, i full heartedly take to that person. Some more than others.
In some way I think I am unconsciously trying to find substitutes for an non existing family that I've never had.
I don't trust boys. I can't. The lack of a father figure plays a big part in that I think.
And my grandfather left my grandmother for a younger woman when I was 11.
I've really only opened my heart for two guys. Ever.
One who's not in my life anymore and the other one.. well.. He's slipping away and I'm not handling it well.. I wish I knew how to save the friendship I have.. Had, with him.. But I don't know how to.
And I don't handle rejection very well, so asking him the "How" and "Why" is not a option.
I am to scared of hearing the "I want nothing to do with you".
He is my rock.. My constant reminder of that there are good guys out there and that kindness, can be completely unselfish.
Cause that, he is. Unselfish and kind. Beyond any words I can ever come up with.
I adore him and the friendship that he has showed me.
I push people away and I self sabotage myself.
I don't mean to. But it is in some sick way, me trying to protect myself.
Protect myself from abandonment.
Abandonment.. The one thing that scares me to the very core of my being.
To be left alone.
To have someone whom you've opened up to, trusted and given your heart to.. Leave you.
The pain of having someone you care so deeply abouy, walk out of your life and leave you alone.
Yet.. Those are the people I push away.. The people whom are the closest to me.
- Do I really believe that It hurts less if I "make" them leave, rather to have them leave me?
Am I really that damaged?
There are so many like me out there.
We, the wounded ones. The Adult Children. ACA.
I wish I was normal.. That I could function and think like the rest of the population.
But I can't.
My scars are deep. They are mine and mine to live with.
Mine to protect and to heal.
Mine to show to those whom I trust will not be scared off by them.
My scars are not on the outside. Not for people to see and to think for themselves..
- "hey.. she's really hurt, wonder what she's been through".
My scars are only visible to those who choose to see them.
For those with enough patience to see through my smile and the wall that protects me.
- I wish I was normal.
www.adultchildren.org
http://coda.org
I mean.. ME. Who I am and why.
Dig a little deeper, ya know?
Most of my friends know I haven't had what you would call.. "an easy life".
To be perfectly honest.. My life has been anything BUT easy.
The only logical explanation to me still being alive, would be my friends.
I get attached to people really easily. When I see and find something good in someone, i full heartedly take to that person. Some more than others.
In some way I think I am unconsciously trying to find substitutes for an non existing family that I've never had.
I don't trust boys. I can't. The lack of a father figure plays a big part in that I think.
And my grandfather left my grandmother for a younger woman when I was 11.
I've really only opened my heart for two guys. Ever.
One who's not in my life anymore and the other one.. well.. He's slipping away and I'm not handling it well.. I wish I knew how to save the friendship I have.. Had, with him.. But I don't know how to.
And I don't handle rejection very well, so asking him the "How" and "Why" is not a option.
I am to scared of hearing the "I want nothing to do with you".
He is my rock.. My constant reminder of that there are good guys out there and that kindness, can be completely unselfish.
Cause that, he is. Unselfish and kind. Beyond any words I can ever come up with.
I adore him and the friendship that he has showed me.
I push people away and I self sabotage myself.
I don't mean to. But it is in some sick way, me trying to protect myself.
Protect myself from abandonment.
Abandonment.. The one thing that scares me to the very core of my being.
To be left alone.
To have someone whom you've opened up to, trusted and given your heart to.. Leave you.
The pain of having someone you care so deeply abouy, walk out of your life and leave you alone.
Yet.. Those are the people I push away.. The people whom are the closest to me.
- Do I really believe that It hurts less if I "make" them leave, rather to have them leave me?
Am I really that damaged?
There are so many like me out there.
We, the wounded ones. The Adult Children. ACA.
I wish I was normal.. That I could function and think like the rest of the population.
But I can't.
My scars are deep. They are mine and mine to live with.
Mine to protect and to heal.
Mine to show to those whom I trust will not be scared off by them.
My scars are not on the outside. Not for people to see and to think for themselves..
- "hey.. she's really hurt, wonder what she's been through".
My scars are only visible to those who choose to see them.
For those with enough patience to see through my smile and the wall that protects me.
- I wish I was normal.
www.adultchildren.org
http://coda.org
Scary movie
'Elloooo!
So it didn't take me forever to get back. Only like.. what? A week?
Anyways, I gave my blog a facelift. The other design was so.. Princessy?
It's Sunday today.. Such a waste day.
Had one of my favorite people stay over last night so at least had company half the day.
I've been spending SO much time here in Eskilstuna I'm starting to worry my friends back home will forget all about me. lol.
Don't worry, loves.. I'll be home next weekend.
As of right now, I'm just hangin out at home away from home watching TV.
Love this apartment. The BEST thing about it is.. It takes me about 2.5hrs LESS to get to work.
WINNER!
Had the girls over last night for a Scary Movie marathon. Such an awesome night.
We watched "The quiet ones" and "The haunting in Connecticut 2".
Some of us were more scared than others and needed pillow shields Haha.
At one point the guys next dore, who was btw fully informed of the fact that there was a bunch of girs in the next apt, watching scary moviea, they decided to open the front dore and scare the living crap out of us before quicky closing it again and running back to theirs.
Too damn funny.
Anyways.. Am gonna keep cleaning this apt now.
Hope everyone is doing well.
xoxo
So it didn't take me forever to get back. Only like.. what? A week?
Anyways, I gave my blog a facelift. The other design was so.. Princessy?
It's Sunday today.. Such a waste day.
Had one of my favorite people stay over last night so at least had company half the day.
I've been spending SO much time here in Eskilstuna I'm starting to worry my friends back home will forget all about me. lol.
Don't worry, loves.. I'll be home next weekend.
As of right now, I'm just hangin out at home away from home watching TV.
Love this apartment. The BEST thing about it is.. It takes me about 2.5hrs LESS to get to work.
WINNER!
Had the girls over last night for a Scary Movie marathon. Such an awesome night.
We watched "The quiet ones" and "The haunting in Connecticut 2".
Some of us were more scared than others and needed pillow shields Haha.
At one point the guys next dore, who was btw fully informed of the fact that there was a bunch of girs in the next apt, watching scary moviea, they decided to open the front dore and scare the living crap out of us before quicky closing it again and running back to theirs.
Too damn funny.
Anyways.. Am gonna keep cleaning this apt now.
Hope everyone is doing well.
xoxo
Saturday, January 3, 2015
No excuses
I keep saying that I'm gonna get better at this blogging thing.. I guess life keeps getting in the way.
I used to be really good at blogging. Used to update 4-6 times every day. Now I'm lucky if i manage to get an entry in every other month or so.
Truth is, I've just been really busy. Work, friends and other important things, such as myself for example.
I'm still working at Tele2 costumer service. I truly love my colleagues at this place.
I'm still holding on to my rock, my little guy, Johan.
He's truly been the main reason why i'm still at this place.
We've drifted a part a little bit.. Which honestly sucks and i don't know how to find my way back to the safe place that is him. He used to be the one secure place I'd run to when anxiety hit me.
Now.. I just.. I don't know.. but it suck.
No matter what I still love that little guy, he's an awesome friend.
I've also gotten really close to some of the girls at work.
I wasn't really looking to befriend any girls.. cause of the fact that girls are usually drama and I tend to shy away from that nowadays. But these girls are truly awesome and I can't help but to enjoy myself in their company.
Christmas and new years has come and gone. Thankfully.
I haven't been a Christmas person since i was a little girl. Not that odd as I don't have a family to celebrate with anymore.
I do how ever have awesome friends who takes me in and lets me be a part of their family for the holidays. This years I spent it with my awesome friend, Sandra.
Sandra and I went to college together so we've known each other since... 2001 now.. MAN.. that's a long time! Anyways, it was such a lovely Christmas.. a real family thing. Santa came and everything!!
And yes.. I'm way excited over that cause well.. Santa never showed up when I was a kid. He just snuck in while i was sleeping and put all the gifts under the tree.
New years was spent with Jennifer, my partner in crime!
She's one of the absolute best people I know and I truly adore her.
It was chill new years, had dinner and a few drinks at her friends house before heading out on our own to a club. COMPLETE meat market, heard every pick up line in the book. But nope.. I'm not that easy.
Anyways.. Gonna watch a movie now and relax. Tomorrow I'm off back to Eskilstuna (The city I where I work). I'm not gonna promise I'll get better at this blogging thing. You're just gonna have to bare with me. I'll leave you with some pictures.
I used to be really good at blogging. Used to update 4-6 times every day. Now I'm lucky if i manage to get an entry in every other month or so.
Truth is, I've just been really busy. Work, friends and other important things, such as myself for example.
I'm still working at Tele2 costumer service. I truly love my colleagues at this place.
I'm still holding on to my rock, my little guy, Johan.
He's truly been the main reason why i'm still at this place.
We've drifted a part a little bit.. Which honestly sucks and i don't know how to find my way back to the safe place that is him. He used to be the one secure place I'd run to when anxiety hit me.
Now.. I just.. I don't know.. but it suck.
No matter what I still love that little guy, he's an awesome friend.
I've also gotten really close to some of the girls at work.
I wasn't really looking to befriend any girls.. cause of the fact that girls are usually drama and I tend to shy away from that nowadays. But these girls are truly awesome and I can't help but to enjoy myself in their company.
Christmas and new years has come and gone. Thankfully.
I haven't been a Christmas person since i was a little girl. Not that odd as I don't have a family to celebrate with anymore.
I do how ever have awesome friends who takes me in and lets me be a part of their family for the holidays. This years I spent it with my awesome friend, Sandra.
Sandra and I went to college together so we've known each other since... 2001 now.. MAN.. that's a long time! Anyways, it was such a lovely Christmas.. a real family thing. Santa came and everything!!
And yes.. I'm way excited over that cause well.. Santa never showed up when I was a kid. He just snuck in while i was sleeping and put all the gifts under the tree.
New years was spent with Jennifer, my partner in crime!
She's one of the absolute best people I know and I truly adore her.
It was chill new years, had dinner and a few drinks at her friends house before heading out on our own to a club. COMPLETE meat market, heard every pick up line in the book. But nope.. I'm not that easy.
Anyways.. Gonna watch a movie now and relax. Tomorrow I'm off back to Eskilstuna (The city I where I work). I'm not gonna promise I'll get better at this blogging thing. You're just gonna have to bare with me. I'll leave you with some pictures.
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