It's ok.
It's more than ok.
We all fall apart. We mess up, we get back up again and we do it all over again.
Over and over.
It's what we do. It's what makes us human.
Life is not about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself. Truly.
I've done so many fucked up things in my life, and hey.. I'm still in my 20's.. So I have many more mistakes to do. I'm sure you do to.
I love to check my self every now and then. Just to make sure I'm still on the right track.
I don't like to judge people based on shit they do.
But I, as well as you have my limits and morals and I do have a line than I don't let people cross with me.
This past month I have gone through some "anniversary" dates.
Mostly regarding Jordan and what I went trough with that.
It's now two years ago since I last saw him. I still remember watching him walk away..
Our last conversation, outside what room at what hotel.
Just like it was yesterday.
I think we all have that one person that we go to whenever someone asks; "Who's the love of your life". He will always be "The one who I let walk away".
It's not that I didn't fight for him, cause lord knows I did. But I fucked up to badly with him and I only have my self to blame for all that.
The pain is still very strong whenever anyone brings him up in conversation, or whenever he crosses my mind. It's like someone rams a knife through my heart and twists it.
But as much as it hurts, I still go there.. Cause in some fucked up way, the pain is worth it if I just get to go back and remember him for a while. Just for a little while.
Cause I do love him. Very much so.
I can't say that I am IN love with him.
I don't know him any more, and he does not know me anymore.
We are two completely different people now from what we were then.
I wish knew the person he is today. I know I would be proud of the changes that he has made in his life since I last saw him.
Not a day passes that I don't think of him.
Him.. The one that made all the difference.
If It wasn't for him I would never have gone and gotten the help that I so badly needed.
Now two years later I so clearly see and understand what I did and WHY I did it.
My friends have said on more than one occasion that they wish he knew and could hear the way I talk about him. And that he could see and know all the changes I have made in my life and to myself.
I don't know if he will ever know.
But I hope, dream and wish. Every day and every night.
