MIA

Stockholm bound! 

I will give you all an update as soon as there's time! 

Hope you all are enjoying the holidays and each other!  

Christmas Picture Update

Never mind what people say cause they don't understand

That time when you wake up at 4:30 am and can not fall back asleep.

I'm restless and at the same time I don't wanna do crap.

Stuck in a gray zone I guess.

No hugs, No kisses

It's been a rough weekend.
For me, for millions of Backstreet Boys fans all around the world, for the Backstreet Boys, and for the family and friends of one of the most wonderful people I have ever had the pleasure to meet.
John "Q" Elgani passed away on Friday morning in his home in FL. The day before his 41st birthday.
Q is.. Was, one of the original Security guards working for the BSB.
He was there from the start and we, the fans have been blessed to have had him with us along the ride on and off since then.
He has become somewhat like the 6th member of the Backstreet Boys.
Spending at times, more time with us than what the boys do.
Always polite and always with a smile on his face.
Q was known for his wonderful ability to light up a room.
You'd notice him. If you didn't see him right away, you could hear him.
He was very much like a friend.
On his last visit to Sweden, only about 5-6 weeks ago.. I definitely connected with him.
He complimented me, in pure shock, on the changes I've done to myself in regards to my weight loss.
He motivated me to better myself further, and also complimented me on looking good NOW.
I truly truly enjoyed him and liked him as one of my close and personal friends.
For so many reasons.

Q leaves behind his wonderful wife, Angela who is pregnant with a little girl that will be their first child together. His three sons and other close family members.
I will be mourning Q along side millions of other BSB fans all around the world.
My love and support goes out to Q's family, friends and the Backstreet Boys at this tough time.

Feel Good

Boys!

It's kind of strange.. When I was 80lbs heavier, I was always crushing on someone.

Now when I'm loosing weight, getting healthy.. There's no one on my radar.

I'm just liking boys in general at the moment. 

I've been enjoying going out, partying and having fun with friends.

It's like a whole new world has opened up now.

More clothes to chose from as I'm not restricted to the "plus size" clothes anymore. 

And do to that.. I actually ENJOY getting dressed up!

I feel pretty! It's a new feeling to me, different.. But good!

I have a totally different mind set towards life now than from what I used to have. 

I'm liking and enjoying myself for the first time in my life and I'm so SO grateful!

Stuck in my head

 

 

 

Pages
Between us
Written with no end.
So many words we're not saying.
Don't wanna wait 'til it's gone.
You make me strong.

I'm sorry if I say, "I need you."
But I don't care,
I'm not scared of love.
'Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker.
Is that so wrong?
Is it so wrong
That you make me strong?

 

 

 

Wrecking Ball



 

 

 

I saw a picture of him today.

To you it would look like any other picture of any other guy..

But to me.. It was HIM.

He had that really discrete smile on his face.. That smile that I always used to say I loved!

It was a new picture.

He looked good. In many ways.

He looked happy and healthy.. Which to me are the two most important things I want for him in life.

It comes and goes.. But it truly hit me like a ton of bricks with that picture.

He still holds my heart.

I'm not in love with him.

But I truly do love him still..

After all this time..

I still do

And I always,

Always will..

 

 

 

 

 

 



Sometimes what you want most is what you're best without.

Three straight days of partying now done.
That's more than I usually party in a whole month!
I wish I could say that it'll be a while before I party again.. But with Christmas and New Years coming up.. We all know that won't happen.

I am getting a little more excited over my coming NY & NJ trip in may.
Last night I spoke to my favorite person in the world, Derek and he assured me that we will meet up as always when I get there.
That made me look forward to my trip more than what I did a few days ago.
I love Derek to death! He is such a good guy and I'm SO grateful that I still have him in my life.
I'm really looking forward to seeing D again.. Introduce him to the new me.
Can't wait!

Randomness

You know when you're nice to a person of the opposite sex, show them appreciation and you give them attention, talk warmly about them and so on.
Just simply cause you like the person.. not like, like.. but.. like them.. as people.
You understand? And it gets confused for something else. That you actually LIKE them, or have a crush on them or something a long the lines of that.
It's frustrating.. Cause it has a tendency to ruin a relationship with that person. And you end up not talking to that person you thought so highly of.
Sad..
Just a random thought I had in my head just now. It happens.
Something like that ever happen to you?

I just got back from a short but fun evening out with my good friend Isabelle.
Her friends where I town performing at the local nightclub.
We always go see them when they're in town, and this time was no different.

Tomorrow I'm invited to a party at a friends house.
Looking forward to it.
But for now.. Bed!

Night lovers!

A New York State Of Mind.

Wednesday.
Home alone tonight. Sister is out of town.. She pops of to go to Stockholm every other weekend or so. Just like me!
Anna and I just booked my birthday trip to NY/NJ.
I thought I'd be more excited than this to be honest.
I'm kind of.. blank, about it?
I think.. after all the history I have in Jersey.. It's become toxic to me.
A lot of memories that I hold so close to my heart, yet they are memories that needs to be kept away from me.. It's hard to explain.
But it all comes down to the fact that, Jordan is in Jersey.
New York and New Jersey sounds like SUCH a good idea and I LOVE New York. It's my favorite place in the world. And I love Jersey to. So much.. It's like home to me.
I think I just need to revisit that place and make new memories.
And make it that place of happiness that it used be, to me.
I need to connect to the city and to Jersey as the person I am today, and not be stuck in the memories as the person I used to be.
I'm not gonna lie.. I'm a bit anxious to go back.
Although I've been back 3 or 4 times since I last saw Jordan.. That feeling just never goes away.
I don't know how I would react if I ever saw him again.
I mean.. I'm definitely a different person now. A better person now.
What I did to Jordan I will never be able to take back or fix. And I know this.
But if I ever was to see him again. I hope that he would be able to see the person I am today, rather than the sick, broken person I used to be.
I think he would like the person I am today. I know I do.

 

 

 

 ♥

 

 

Returning to New Jersey & New York as this person!

Out with the old, In with the new!

 

 

On a positive note

Wow, so much has happened since I last wrote here!
Only good things tho.. IF you don't count the fact that I'm down with the stomach flue.
But in the grater picture of it all.. It's nothing!

At the end of last month, my favorite boys in the world, the Backstreet Boys visited Sweden.
It's definitely been a whole while since their last visit.
I haven't met the boys since last summer, at the mixtape festival in PA. I've changed A WHOLE LOT since then.
It was an intense visit. They were only here for about 36hrs.
But we, our team.. Definitely got everything out of it that we wanted.
Let's just say we got more out of their visit than any other fans in Sweden. I'll just leave it at that!

Around the same time as this, actually, the day before they showed up.. I FINALLY got to move in to my apartment.
MY apartment! I live here under MY rules. It's definitely been a while.
I have my sister living with me also. But we compromise on everything and I don't feel at all that she or I are in the way of each other in any situation.
I'm sure we are gonna fight along the way.. But we are sisters, it's what we do.
But the good thing with sisters.. we always make up!

Two weeks ago, (dare I almost call him friend now? I see him as somewhere in between a "celebrity" that I admire, and as my friend.) Chris Medina visited Stockholm.
We have been talking on line and staying in touch for just about two years now and there are very few people in this world that I look up to and admire as much as I do with him.
His story and everything that he is, gives me hope.
He is such a genuine person.
It shines through just looking at him.
He is an amazing artist and I'm truly truly honored to have had the pleasure to stay in touch with him for all this time.

As of right now, I'm decked out in bed, stomach is feeling a lot better, but I dare not to go out and "live life" just yet. Wanna be cleared by Friday as I'm going out with a few friends!
I was supposed to have my good friend Anna come visit this weekend.
But she has hurt hew knee pretty badly and can't get here from Stockholm do to that soooo.. I guess getting drunk is my plan B? :)
Anna and I will be booking my birthday trip to New York/New Jersey tomorrow.
I can not wait to get back to my favorite city in the world!
It's been over a year now and this is the longest I've ever been away from the city since I first started going there back in 2009!
I  miss my wonderful friends in New York & New Jersey.
This is where you all are thinking; She's talking about Jordan.
But ya'll are wrong. First of all, I was more referring to Derek.
Second of all.. Jordan and I are not friends so I couldn't be referring to him as a friend, could I? :)
I also am looking forward and hoping to see my New York friend, Lana.
Haven't seen her either since the mixtape festival.
Also hoping to see Mary from Jersey..
I guess there's a few people I wanna meet up with! But most of all.. I am looking forward to seeing the Man in my life, the one and only.. Man-hattan!