Emotional Rush

Literally just woke up and had this massive urge to pore some love on one of the best people that has ever stepped in to my life.
This person got SO close to me, SO fast.
With her it's never any drama.. It just, works.
We had this intense period when we first got to know each other.
We went through so much. Good and bad.
This person is Jennifer.
Jennifer was one of the girls who moved in to my apartment in Santa Monica last year.
It was supposed to be her, me and 3 other girls.
It didn't end up that was for many reasons, and in some ways.. I think it was meant to be this way.
It ended up being me and Jenn, moving in with my good friend, Jay in his 3 bedroom apartment, 2 floors down.
We always had each other Jenn and I, and without her.. it would have been hell.
I will truly NEVER forget the summer that we had, and the things we went through together.
It's good to have friends like her in times of need.
I want you to know that I am eternally grateful for you and for the times we had, and the good times we WILL have in the future.
I love you with all my heart and I will ALWAYS be here for you, should you ever need me.

'Ello

This is my good friend Jennifer.

Jennifer told me to say hi to my blog from her.. so.. I guess.. Hi!

Mistakes were done

 

 

I'm here with my confession

Got nothing to hide no more

I don't know where to start

But to show you the shape of my heart

 

 

 

Christmas thinking

I have a million thoughts in my head this evening.
It's raining outside and I'm in one of my "Thinking" moods.
That mixed in with a bit of anxiety, makes for a few good blog entries.

It's the time of year where I tend to get really depressed.
It's dark, cold and rainy and soon, the rain will turn to snow.. Which is in no way better.
And when winter comes.. So does Christmas.
Christmas is my least favorite time of year.
It's the time when I feel completely alone. I have no family.
So there fore I tend to end up alone.
I've been lucky enough for a few years in a row now to have gotten invited to celebrate with friends.
Last year it was with my wonderful friend Nadja.
She took me in and made me feel really comfortable.
I even got to play Santa! Who would have ever thought that I would get to be Santa!?
The year before than I worked, and then celebrated with Angelica.
The year before than I was still living in America. KY as a matter of fact.
So I've had a few good Christmases.
But I always worry every year if I'm gonna get to celebrate, or if I'm gonna end up alone.
I think, me and Sandra talked about me celebrating with her and her family this year.
I don't think we set anything in stone which is why I'm still worried about it.

What are you all doing this Christmas? Has anyone even made plans yet?
Do you have any special Christmas traditions in your family, what are they?

Love!

What is friendship?

I could make this another entry about how much I love and adore my friends. Cause I do. Big time.
But I Think everybody's got the point by now.

It's funny how people like to throw around the phrase "My best friend".
Cause.. I hear friends call each other that all the time.. then they turn right around and trash talk each other. and when they see each other again.. it's all smiles.
It confuses me.

I struggle a lot with anxiety. A lot.
I have periods in my life where everything is just, shit and I fall apart.
It all started after the whole Jordan episode.
It wasn't until then than I knew the full meaning of "anxiety".
No one who has ever had anxiety can fully understand it.
It is the most horrible feeling ever.
The type of anxiety I struggle with is not usually the "panic attack" kind.
Mine is more.. straight up, "I-want-to-die" type of feeling.
Not like, I have suicide thoughts, but more like, I hope I don't have to wake up tomorrow.
Some of the people that come in to my life, we may get close, we might even end up becoming really good friends. Some of those people tend to disappear, just like that when I find myself in one of my "lows". And when I get out of it.. They seam to play it like nothing ever happened.
I'm sorry, not really.. But that's not how friendship works.. At least not SHOULD work.
I stand strong for my friends when they need me.
Cause I expect nothing less from them when I need them.
It's simple.. Friends support each other and help each other in times of need.
At least those are the kind of friends I want in my life.

I have a bunch of friends that I will forever hold close to my heart, no matter where life takes me.
They have been my friends for years, YEARS.
I truly believe that if we have been friends for this long.. Not much could possibly get in between us.
I love these people dearly.
I may not see these friends every day. Or even talk to them every week.
But I know where they are if I should need them.
THEY, are my best friends.

blah

Oy...
So mentally drained right now i'm not even.. Yea..
I don't understand people questioning me and my choice to stay away from certain things, drugs.
I really se no reason as to why anyone should question it really?
I've said it a million times before.
My issue with drugs is not that I can not be friends with people who use, It's simply the fact that I want to be aware. I want to KNOW. For many reasons, main reason probably that I want to be able to stay away from certain situations where "shit goes down".
It's that simple.
I really have no reason to why I should have to keep explaining myself either..
But people seem to not understand.. so I feel the need to KEEP explaining.
I will never "out" anyone if I find out that one or more of my friends are using.
It's just not what this is about..
It makes me really sad that some people feel the need to argue with me for the benefit of "the other side". Why? I have my opinion on the matter and I feel no need to have you tell me reasons to why my friend/s are using. I DON'T CARE.

I'm sad.