Friendship

It's been a week.
Things have been a little bit of a roller coaster. Not that that's unusual, but still.
I'm doing ok with the medical things at the moment. Well.. "ok".. I can't feel my left leg, waist down there's no sense in it which is pretty uncomfortable. But no PAIN right now.

I've had a good day at work today. I'm major crushing on all my co workers, as friends of course.. But it's that butterfly feeling in my tummy when I'm around them.
I truly do love these crazy people, they make me laugh hysterically ever day.
I'm enjoying laughing and being on speaking terms with Johan again.
He's been good with me these past two weeks and it's making me remember the good times we've had.
I adore that guy no matter what our situation and relationship is.
He kept me safe and smiling through one of the hardest times in my life, and I will ALWAYS remember that. Just.. Those warm, kind brown eyes get's me every time.. They make me feel SO comfortable and I forget that any day, at any time.. he can stop talking to me again.
And even tho I KNOW this.. It still hurts every time.
People may not get us, hell, I don't get us half the time either.. But.. Maybe I just have to accept that this, is us now, and I'm just gonna have to take the bad with the good.
No matter what.. He's my friend and I love him.

Me and a few friends are planing a trip beginning of June.
I can't say much about it yet cause kind of want it to be a surprise.
But it is within Sweden and it's gonna be EPIC!

For now, stay good!

Validation

Just got off the phone with my good friend Anna.
She called just to catch up and the regular girl talk.
While I was in Örebro this weekend we met up for a quick hello, as she also was in town visiting from Stockholm.
She brought up meeting up with me while I was with Jasmi and the magic boy.
She then says out of nowhere.. "I don't know what it was with that guy.. But just being around him, made me calm." I grasped for air as I said responded with a: "YES!!!"
That is EXACTLY the effect he has on me.. I just feel.. safe and relaxed around him.
She continues to say; "You're usually not that chill and I noticed that right away that you seamed so, calm."
And I was.. I don't think I've ever been so relaxed around a boy.
There's just.. something about this one, and the fact that she also felt it.. just validates my feeling even more.
Anna has also been around me and little Johan while him and I hung out, we don't any more, but there was a time when we were really close. She said, "Sure, you and J had chemistry and you had fun together, but this was different."
And it's true.. I had fun with J, but.. That's not what I need.
I need safe. Secure and someone who can keep me calm. Without even really trying.
I'm not saying that it has to be THIS guy, I'm just saying.. I know now what I want and need.
And it's not a little boy. It's a MAN. It's someone who knows who they are, where they're going and what the want out of life.
But like I said in a previous entry, THIS guy.. and no, no names mentioned.. THIS guy.. I hope I get to keep in my life, no matter what the situation.
- He's THAT good.


xoxo

I am capable.

Yesterday was rough.
It doesn't matter how well I know that my anxiety is temporary, that "tomorrow is a new day".
When I'm all up in it, It's too dark to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This isn't something new to me.. I've been dealing with this for years.
The crappy part about it is that it doesn't ever get any easier.
You just gotta roll with it, take it all in to make it end quicker.
It truly sucks when I start letting my guard down for someone, and I end up disappointed.. I get bitter.
And bitter, is not a good look on anyone. And I HATE bitter.. I'm not a bitter person so when I get like this.. I don't know myself and that causes even more anxiety.
And that.. Is what you call an endless circle.
Regardless of this.. I am grateful. Grateful to have had someone show me that I am in fact capable of letting someone in. Capable of trusting someone again.

Don't ever let anyone who makes you happy, walk out of your life.

xo

You are not alone

For anyone with a broken childhood struggling thinking that you're alone. 

You are not. 

Svenska

English

I hate it

I hate it that I'm broken.
I hate it that I have all these issues caused by my childhood.
I hate it that every time I feel even a little relaxed with a situation, I end up disappointed.
I hate it that I'm so complicated that no one ever sticks around.
I hate it that I just.. Never can catch a break.
I hate the fact that there are books written about me, about people like me.
I hate it that I get way to attached to people that show me kindness.
I hate it when people say they understand. You DON'T understand unless you've been through it.

I hate it that I feel SO alone in all this. I am strong.. But sometimes even I fall apart.
I hate hating things...

The most beautiful thing.

It's been a hectic couple of weeks.
Trying to balance work, myself as well as my friends well being.
As always I put my own health aside to be there for everyone I hold dear.
If they, my friends are not doing well, it won't matter how I'm doing, cause I won't be happy.

I'm not happy at work either, it feels like I'm just.. stuck. Like almost in a hamster wheel.
I'm more than ready to move on. I love working, I'm a workaholic but I also wanna feel like what I'm doing is appreciated and that It's meaningful. But I don't.. So I gotta stay true to myself and more on.

To narrow this entry down a little, I'll focus on this weekend.
It's been rather hectic.
Friday the annual After Work with the coworkers. It always gets a lil crazy but always so much fun.
Little Adrian has a boob crush on me... apparently. Cause he can't stop looking at them. "Can I touch them".... NO! You may not. Babe, you need a girlfriend. lol
I was home way before midnight, which was needed as I had to get up at 6am the next morning to attend my little sisters wedding back in Västerås.
I was one of her 3 bridesmaids so needed to not look like.. "The day after". Which I didn't, thankfully.
I was really anxious and nervous about this wedding as I knew my brother, with whom I don't really have a relationship with at the moment, was gonna be there along with his girlfriend and their newborn baby, I have waited, wondered and worried about if I was ever gonna get to meet this little baby. Not being on good terms with my brother is painful, as he, no matter what will always be one of the most important people in my life, that will never change.. so to not have gotten to meet his little boy.. have been hard. But I FINALLY got to meet him and hold him.
I can with a straight face say that it was pure bliss.. The second he was placed in my arms, I just broke.. Couldn't stop crying. Happy tears of course. But oh my goodness.. That baby is the most beautiful little boy I've ever seen.. Ever. I'm SO grateful to have met him and I REALLY hope it wasn't the last time.

After the wedding I was off to Örebro to hang out with Jasmi, but to also meet up with this wonderful boy I've been talking to.
Sometimes I surprise myself, or.. rather.. people surprise me.
I have a HARD time trusting people, letting people in and feeling that sense of.. security.
For someone to get me to that point where I feel, calm and relaxed around a boy. It just.. doesn't happen.
But honestly... This one.. There's just something different..
He's just genuine and good hearted. I'm not used to that.
And I think it's only really happened ones before, and that took over a year.
Also, it really doesn't hurt the fact that he's Oh-So-Dreamy.. Perfection if you will.
No matter what happens, I really hope I get to keep this one in my life.
I do need people like him in my around me, cause he strengthens me.
I'm grateful no matter what.

Right now I'm at home sick, but hoping to be back in action soon.
How are all of you doing?
Did y'all have a good weekend?

xoxo