Han den där

Nu har jag haft ångest i 48timmar!
Det är som att falla, snabbt utan något slut.
Jag orkar inte hur mycket som helst.
Jag älskar med hela själen, alla mina fantastiska vänner ni som känt mig genom mina lägsta stunder, Stöttat mig.. Och funnits där vid min sida på mina högsta toppar.
Jag älskar er.
Och sen han den där som får mitt hjärta att slå lite snabbare, lite hårdare.
Han som jag mer eller mindre alltid kommer vänta på..
Jag vet inte om du vet att du är du.. Men du är som de första värmande solstrålarna mot ansiktet på våren.. Jag söker mig till dig som om det inte fanns någon annan i hela världen.. Jag andas dig.

Jag är stark. Starkare än dem flesta.
Jag har gått igenom mycket. Ångest har aldrig varit något som fäller mig, men jag har heller aldrig fått vila från den... Jag behöver vila. Jag gör faktiskt det.
Jag behöver en axel att luta mig mot. En lugn stabil människa som kan ta tyglarna ett tag, och bara låta mig.. finnas. Jag behöver en kram.. såååå mycket.

Åååh... jag orkar inte.. Jag vill bara älska och bli älskad.

Bla bla bla..

Saker förändras snabbt.
Senast jag uppdaterade nämnde jag att jag numera jobbar på Bilia Personbilar.
Well.. Jag slutade på Bilia i Fredags förra veckan.
Mitt vikariat är slut så nu är det iväg mot nya äventyr.
Jag jobbar för Manpower och jag har FULL tillit till min konsultchef att hon hittar ett nytt jobb som passar mig.

Har legat på soffan en hel vecka nu med ryggskott.
DET GÖR SÅ GALET ONT!!
Kan garantera att detta är ett resultat av det faktum att jag jobbat konstant sen början av 2013.
Ingen semester no nothing.
Mina axlar och rygg är helt körda.
Så hoppas inte att min kära konsultchef är allt för snabb med att hitta ett nytt jobb.
Behöver verkligen den här vilan.

Har verkligen inget att tillägga just nu...

Until next time,,

En sån där dag

Idag är en sån där dag då jag undrar hur mycket det är menat att jag ska orka med.
Allt jag gått igenom i mitt liv.. och aldrig. Inte en enda gång har jag fått "läka", utan bara ställt mig upp och krigat vidare.
Jag är trött. Och jag märker det kanske allra tydligast när det händer "små saker" som får mig ur balans.
Då kommer tårarna och jag blir jätte ledsen.
Jag känner så idag, att jag skulle behöva släppa ur alla känslor. Bli arg!
Arg på dem som gjort mig illa, och jag har tagit det pga att jag är rädd att förlora dessa personer. Jag har svalt det. Låtsas som inget, eller rent ut av bett om ursäkt för något som jag absolut inte ska ta ansvar för.
Just för att relationen till dessa människor har varit viktigare för mig än att få ha rätt i ett "gräl".
Men Nej.. Jag är trött på att ta på mig saker jag inte ska ta på mig.
Le, fast jag kanske helst av allt vill gråta och skrika.
Hur mycket mer ska jag orka utan att gå sönder?
Jag skulle behöva sjukskriva mig för att få hämta andan lite, det som de flesta människor skulle kalla "semester". En sådan har jag inte haft sen 2012.
Jag känner att kroppen tagit stryk. Men jag är lojal. Jag vill hjälpa till, jobba och göra min chef nöjd.
- Ja men på vilken bekostnad, Lindah?
Skit samma.. Det får vara såhär nu. Jag får bita ihop tills tillfälle ges och jag kan vila lite.
- Jag skulle behöva en kram..
Inte en sån "Hej kul att se dig-kram", utan en sån lång "Jag finns här och det är okej att falla-kram".

Och kärlek.. Vad är det? Jag minns knappt hur det känns att släppa någon nära hjärtat.
Senast jag släppte in någon och vågade chansa så blev jag så galet jävla bränd, så nu när jag försöker så känns det avdomnat på nå vis. Jag vill ha fjärilar, jag vill känna och jag vill bli älskad.
Kanske om jag fick känna mig älskad, så skulle jag orkar lite mera.. Men nu känns det JÄVLIGT tungt.
Och till alla fina kompisar som tänker "Men jag älskar ju dig".. ja.. och det är så underbart av er... men jag vill som alla andra hitta kärleken, hos en pojke (i mitt fall).
Jag är alltid singeln i gänget. Äldst utan barn. Tredje hjulet.. Ni vet själva..
- Men Lindah så får du inte känna!
Jo, det får jag. För let's keep it real här... Det är så det är.
Det är tröttsamt att höra "När ska du träffa någon då".
Ja inte fan vet jag..? När du slutar tjata kanske.
Jag älskar tanken på att ha någon att skynda sig hem från jobbet till.
Någon som väntar där hemma. Någon att krypa upp i soffan med och som pussar mig i pannan och frågar hur dagen varit. Jag vill.. Mer än något annat.

Nu ska jag kolla på vänner och glömma verkligheten lite.

Blogga på svenska?

Konstigt detta känns.. Att blogga på svenska!
Jag har dividerat många gånger om hur vida jag ska blogga på svenska eller engelska.
"Vi är i Sverige nu Lindah, här pratar vi svenska."
Well.. Jag pratar MYCKET engelska. Varje dag. Alltid gjort, kommer alltid att göra.
Jag säger det jag vill säga, och vilket språk det kommer ut i, det spelar mig mindre roll så länge jag gör mig förstådd.
Det är inte så att jag tänker ut i förväg innan orden kommer ut, om jag ska säga dem på svenska eller engelska. För mig har det blivit nästan som ett och samma språk.
Förstår inte varför det ska störa vissa.

Nå väl..

Jag har inte uppdaterad bloggen sen 1923, eller om det var året innan.. Minns inte.
Jag startade till och med en annan blogg, annan portal och annat namn.. Och jag kommer nog uppdatera den lite till och från, Beroende på vad jag har på hjärtat.
Just denna uppdatering kommer nog vara i stora drag generella uppdateringar på vad som hänt de senaste månaderna.

So.. Jag är fortfarande kvar på Bilia Personbilar. För jag har väl skrivit att jag bytt jobb?
GANSKA säker på att jag nämnt det.
Jag trivs bra på Bilia. Jag är fortfarande inhyrd från Manpower där jag absolut planerar att bli kvar.
Jag har väääärldens bästa konsult chef som alltid stöttar och ställer upp, och jag vore RIKTIGT korkad om jag släppte det för något annat.
Just nu har jag varit sjukskriven en vecka. Haft feber och ont i halsen.
Sjukt otajmat då jag precis varit hemma två dagar pga inflammation på synnerven.
Men nu ska jag förhoppningsvis kunna få vara frisk ett tag.

En annan grej som hänt är att jag fick frågan från Örebro Black Knights (Pontus lag), om jag ville ta på mig rollen som Ordförande för deras supporterklubb.
Det har legat lite löst drivande just nu pga min hälsa mm, men så snart jag är på banan igen så ska jag kicka igång detta.
När jag fick förfrågan från klubben så tackade jag ja direkt. Sekunden efteråt så spinner ju mitt huvud iväg, som det alltid gör... "Oj! Hoppas inte jag kliver Pontus på tårna!" "Kommer han bli sur?" "Hur ställer sig han till detta".. Ångest ångest ångest!
Borde dock ha vetat bättre då han bara var stöttande och tyckte absolut att jag skulle ta chansen.
Phew.. Hade nog backat annars. Den där Pontus är jag rädd om.. :)

Imorgon ska jag sätta igång med motion och bättre matvanor igen.
Har verkligen inte mått bra det senaste året pga hjärtesorg, hälsa och andra saker som tyngt ner mig..
Men jag måste försöka skaka ur den ryggsäcken nu och fylla den med saker som gynnar mig NU.
Lite Lindah tid är way over do.

Ska försöka hitta någon bra film att somna till nu.
Hoppas alla mår bra.

P.S

Hoppas du är nöjd nu Anna :)
Lovar att det ska bli oftare!
Kärlek!

Get it done!

Monday!
Just took a two hr walk back and forth to town.
It's a beautiful spring day out.
Tomorrow it's back to work again. Can't say I'm too exciter about it.
We have a Sales education in the AM and after that, we have finals.
I'm a little anxious about the final exam. I've never been a school kind of girl.
I don't learn by sitting down and listening. I learn by watching, then mimicking,
Hopefully I'll do OK.

.

Open wounds

There's a lot on my mind tonight,
I was cleaning my apartment and well.. found a bunch of old notes, pictures and things that relate back to when me and Johan used to me really close.
It's so weird to think about it really.. Just a few months ago, it was him and I against the world.
He was my person.. my BFF and more!
He kept me safe and had me smiling when all I wanted to do was cry.
There was not a second he didn't make sure I was ok.
If we didn't work the same shift one day, he would sit with me for a while, make sure I was ok, then he'd leave, but every so often, I'd check my phone after he had left, and there would be a sweet encouraging message from him.
- "No matter what day it is, No matter how you're feeling, No matter how I'm feeling, You will always have my support."
That was just a few months ago. Now.. We're like strangers.
There's nothing there anymore, and it makes me sad.
I don't think about it anymore on a daily basis.. But when I find things, notes, letter from him or pictures of us two together.. My mind can't help but to remember.
People still ask me about him, and how our relationship is nowadays.
And I hate answering that question, cause I know that after I tell people we don't really talk anymore.. There's always the follow-up-questions..
And I honestly don't know how to answer them, cause I have no idea what went wrong..
No matter the situation tho.. This guy will ALWAYS have my support, loyalty and love, cause I will always be grateful to him for being there for me.

Friendship

It's been a week.
Things have been a little bit of a roller coaster. Not that that's unusual, but still.
I'm doing ok with the medical things at the moment. Well.. "ok".. I can't feel my left leg, waist down there's no sense in it which is pretty uncomfortable. But no PAIN right now.

I've had a good day at work today. I'm major crushing on all my co workers, as friends of course.. But it's that butterfly feeling in my tummy when I'm around them.
I truly do love these crazy people, they make me laugh hysterically ever day.
I'm enjoying laughing and being on speaking terms with Johan again.
He's been good with me these past two weeks and it's making me remember the good times we've had.
I adore that guy no matter what our situation and relationship is.
He kept me safe and smiling through one of the hardest times in my life, and I will ALWAYS remember that. Just.. Those warm, kind brown eyes get's me every time.. They make me feel SO comfortable and I forget that any day, at any time.. he can stop talking to me again.
And even tho I KNOW this.. It still hurts every time.
People may not get us, hell, I don't get us half the time either.. But.. Maybe I just have to accept that this, is us now, and I'm just gonna have to take the bad with the good.
No matter what.. He's my friend and I love him.

Me and a few friends are planing a trip beginning of June.
I can't say much about it yet cause kind of want it to be a surprise.
But it is within Sweden and it's gonna be EPIC!

For now, stay good!

Validation

Just got off the phone with my good friend Anna.
She called just to catch up and the regular girl talk.
While I was in Örebro this weekend we met up for a quick hello, as she also was in town visiting from Stockholm.
She brought up meeting up with me while I was with Jasmi and the magic boy.
She then says out of nowhere.. "I don't know what it was with that guy.. But just being around him, made me calm." I grasped for air as I said responded with a: "YES!!!"
That is EXACTLY the effect he has on me.. I just feel.. safe and relaxed around him.
She continues to say; "You're usually not that chill and I noticed that right away that you seamed so, calm."
And I was.. I don't think I've ever been so relaxed around a boy.
There's just.. something about this one, and the fact that she also felt it.. just validates my feeling even more.
Anna has also been around me and little Johan while him and I hung out, we don't any more, but there was a time when we were really close. She said, "Sure, you and J had chemistry and you had fun together, but this was different."
And it's true.. I had fun with J, but.. That's not what I need.
I need safe. Secure and someone who can keep me calm. Without even really trying.
I'm not saying that it has to be THIS guy, I'm just saying.. I know now what I want and need.
And it's not a little boy. It's a MAN. It's someone who knows who they are, where they're going and what the want out of life.
But like I said in a previous entry, THIS guy.. and no, no names mentioned.. THIS guy.. I hope I get to keep in my life, no matter what the situation.
- He's THAT good.


xoxo

I am capable.

Yesterday was rough.
It doesn't matter how well I know that my anxiety is temporary, that "tomorrow is a new day".
When I'm all up in it, It's too dark to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This isn't something new to me.. I've been dealing with this for years.
The crappy part about it is that it doesn't ever get any easier.
You just gotta roll with it, take it all in to make it end quicker.
It truly sucks when I start letting my guard down for someone, and I end up disappointed.. I get bitter.
And bitter, is not a good look on anyone. And I HATE bitter.. I'm not a bitter person so when I get like this.. I don't know myself and that causes even more anxiety.
And that.. Is what you call an endless circle.
Regardless of this.. I am grateful. Grateful to have had someone show me that I am in fact capable of letting someone in. Capable of trusting someone again.

Don't ever let anyone who makes you happy, walk out of your life.

xo

You are not alone

For anyone with a broken childhood struggling thinking that you're alone. 

You are not. 

Svenska

English

I hate it

I hate it that I'm broken.
I hate it that I have all these issues caused by my childhood.
I hate it that every time I feel even a little relaxed with a situation, I end up disappointed.
I hate it that I'm so complicated that no one ever sticks around.
I hate it that I just.. Never can catch a break.
I hate the fact that there are books written about me, about people like me.
I hate it that I get way to attached to people that show me kindness.
I hate it when people say they understand. You DON'T understand unless you've been through it.

I hate it that I feel SO alone in all this. I am strong.. But sometimes even I fall apart.
I hate hating things...

The most beautiful thing.

It's been a hectic couple of weeks.
Trying to balance work, myself as well as my friends well being.
As always I put my own health aside to be there for everyone I hold dear.
If they, my friends are not doing well, it won't matter how I'm doing, cause I won't be happy.

I'm not happy at work either, it feels like I'm just.. stuck. Like almost in a hamster wheel.
I'm more than ready to move on. I love working, I'm a workaholic but I also wanna feel like what I'm doing is appreciated and that It's meaningful. But I don't.. So I gotta stay true to myself and more on.

To narrow this entry down a little, I'll focus on this weekend.
It's been rather hectic.
Friday the annual After Work with the coworkers. It always gets a lil crazy but always so much fun.
Little Adrian has a boob crush on me... apparently. Cause he can't stop looking at them. "Can I touch them".... NO! You may not. Babe, you need a girlfriend. lol
I was home way before midnight, which was needed as I had to get up at 6am the next morning to attend my little sisters wedding back in Västerås.
I was one of her 3 bridesmaids so needed to not look like.. "The day after". Which I didn't, thankfully.
I was really anxious and nervous about this wedding as I knew my brother, with whom I don't really have a relationship with at the moment, was gonna be there along with his girlfriend and their newborn baby, I have waited, wondered and worried about if I was ever gonna get to meet this little baby. Not being on good terms with my brother is painful, as he, no matter what will always be one of the most important people in my life, that will never change.. so to not have gotten to meet his little boy.. have been hard. But I FINALLY got to meet him and hold him.
I can with a straight face say that it was pure bliss.. The second he was placed in my arms, I just broke.. Couldn't stop crying. Happy tears of course. But oh my goodness.. That baby is the most beautiful little boy I've ever seen.. Ever. I'm SO grateful to have met him and I REALLY hope it wasn't the last time.

After the wedding I was off to Örebro to hang out with Jasmi, but to also meet up with this wonderful boy I've been talking to.
Sometimes I surprise myself, or.. rather.. people surprise me.
I have a HARD time trusting people, letting people in and feeling that sense of.. security.
For someone to get me to that point where I feel, calm and relaxed around a boy. It just.. doesn't happen.
But honestly... This one.. There's just something different..
He's just genuine and good hearted. I'm not used to that.
And I think it's only really happened ones before, and that took over a year.
Also, it really doesn't hurt the fact that he's Oh-So-Dreamy.. Perfection if you will.
No matter what happens, I really hope I get to keep this one in my life.
I do need people like him in my around me, cause he strengthens me.
I'm grateful no matter what.

Right now I'm at home sick, but hoping to be back in action soon.
How are all of you doing?
Did y'all have a good weekend?

xoxo

It's a good thing!

Things are good. Really good.
I can FINALLY see a light at the end of this long dark tunnel and I'm slowly but surely starting to relax. I know that usually is a BAD idea, but honestly, if I don't get to rest now.. I'm done.
It's been a LONG and steep uphill battle and I honestly just need a break.
People at work even noticed my happy state of mind.
I've been smiley and giddy all day.

It also brings me happiness to see that things are looking up for my friends.
My beautiful friend Hannah who today found out she got her dream job.
She's SO deserving of this.
She has had to put up with WAY more shit that she deserves at this place.
So she'll be working her last day at Transcom this Saturday, I'll miss her terribly but soon I'll be ending my time at Transcom to.
It's been a good run, but things have changed so drastically between me and my favorite person on this planet, so instead of giving me strength, it's breaking me down.
And I don¨t wanna stay at a place like that.

Hope you all are good!

#ExchangeEURO2015

It's been a good day.
Got to leave work early do to lack of things to do, texted my sister to see if she was up for some company, which she was, so I headed over to her place.
Got to catch up some and hang out a little with my baby niece.
Had dinner with them all before heading home to do some more PR for my guys.

I love doing little things for them, even if they don't ask me I try and take every opportunity presented to try and help my friends. They're SO deserving of every good thing coming their way and I wanna do everything I can to help them get to where they want and need to be.
Am talking a little with one of the big names in music production to see if he has any interest in working with the guys.. Am VERY nervous about that one!
If this one goes well... It will mean big things for The Exchange!
Sooo... Keep your fingers crossed people.

Right now on twitter, the European Exchangers are lovebombing the guys, wishing them good luck on tour and asking them to come back to Europe soon.
I'm sure they will have America falling in love with them in no time.
How could they not. There guys are magic.
They just better not forget about us over here in Europe!

Anyways, It's 8.30 and I have to be up at 4, so time to unwind, watch a movie and get some sleep.
Hope you all are doing well.
And shout out to Angela for her sweet message today on instagram.
It totally made my day!

Toxic

I've changed my facebook, made a completely new one. I've also made a new blog.
That's why I haven't written anything on here for a while.
I'm just fed up and in need of a cleansing. Need to cut all out the drama in my life.
Thing is.. I just NOW realized who and what is causing drama in my life.
It's partly me, of course. How? I'm a very direct person, most Swedes can't deal with that.
If I have a problem with you I will confront you.
I am loud, and I take up space. That is also not acceptable in Swedish culture. It's true, google it.
Google "Law of Jante".
Anyways.. It's also this one person. Straight up toxic. I don't need that kind of poison in my life.
I can't believe I didn't see it earlier, and the fact that I was warned about them.. I kinda have my self to blame.. I just.. Thought more of this person i suppose.


I'm PISSSSSED!!

I am no better than you.

Hey all!

So, I'm gonna use this entry to set some things straight.
As far as The Exchange go, I along with a few little helpers, run the fan group "Exchange Europe".
I am not down to "compete" with any other support group.
I am not doing this for recognition, I am doing this for the boys. So I really don't see the point in why anyone would try and compete with us..? This is not a competition.
The boys loves us all equally.
Also, as far as www.ExchangersUnited.com goes, Tess contacted me and asked me if I wanted to help her with this idea she had, the idea coming to be this website.
How WE divide work, tasks and who does what regarding that site, is OUR business and not for anyone else to be bothered with.
I do not "take credit" for anything that I should not be taking credit for.
So please stop with the accusations, bashing and hate.

I am here for my friends, The Exchange, to help, support and promote them. As a FAN, not as anything "higher" than anyone else. What YOU see me as, I can not help, but as far as anything else goes, I am nothing more than a supporter.
I welcome anyone who wants to help with anything regarding Exchange Europe or whatever other project I may be involved with.

I hope this helps clear things up.


XO

Moomin!

It's been a GOOD week,
a few bumps, but nothing I haven't been able to handle.
I'm major crushing on all my friends right now and I'm just SOOOO thankful that they are MY friends.. mine! How did I get so lucky?
I'm loving little Felicia and the fantastic strong person that she is!
And my friendship with little J is better than it's been in months.
My sister asked me to be her bridesmaid at her wedding next months.
Naturally my answer was, "WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG TO ASK!!!... But Yes!"
I'm just... Thankful!

Tomorrow my moomin is coming to town for a visit!
We try to meet up every few months or so, It's always a laugh when I'm with her and I'm truly happy we've stayed in touch,
Moomin, or.. Jasmi and I were Au Pairs in the US at the same time.
We were 2 out of 6 Swedes who were flew over at the same time.
Anyways, after I meet up with Mooms tomorrow I'm going out with my childhood friend and party pal, Daniela. This girl is HILARIOUS! There's just no one like her. Anywhere.

Well, I gotta get some sleep now. Packed day tomorrow.

xoxo

High school BS

Someone made me question myself today. I don't appreciate that..
Someone made me actually question myself if I'm actually a good person or not.
I AM a good person, I'm human, i make mistakes, sure. But I AM a good person.
I confront people. I don't take shit.
When I hear that someone has said something about me in a negative manner, I ask if and why they did that.
This cause I don't want things to grow and become a huge thing so I'll rather just crush any drama before it becomes, drama.
This, is not ok in Sweden.. You don't confront people here. You just roll over and play dead.
If someone is throwing shit at you, you stay put, smile and ask for more.
I don't roll like that. Never did never will.
So when someone asks me to just.. live with the fact that people talk about me.
- How about no?
I will stand up for myself. I will confront.
If people don't like it, don't talk about me.
And don't, do NOT put words in my mouth. I will stand for everything I say about people, I don't need anyone to talk for me or tell anyone anything that I didn't say.
What is this? High school? COME ON!!


Good night.

Di Caprio

It's not about how many times you fall apart. It's about how many times you put yourself back together again. 

I've done it, time and time again. This time tho is some what different from the other times.. I don't know how and why. Maybe it's not for me to understand? I don't know.

Today has been a good day. I'm slowly but surely finding my way back to that sense of security again. He's showing me kindness and compassion and I'm taking it in, All of it.

I don't know what's going through his mind from day to day, but I'm trying to just take one day at a time and see where it takes me. I'm just grateful in the moment to have him there next to me. 

Love him to death!

I've been applying for a new job, I'm REALLY wanting to go back to my old company, TeliaSonera.

It's the best employer I've ever had, I applied for two jobs with them today. Keep your fingers crossed! I REALLY want this one!

I'm gonna make an attempt to watch "The Great Gatsby" now, I've tried 2 times earlier but fallen asleep within the first 20 min. I absolutely LOVE everything Leonardo Di Caprio, but I'm embarrassingly tired when I get home from work.

Anyways.. Keep your fingers crossed for me regarding the job, and send me some positive thoughts!

xoxo

 

Seasons

Listen honey, to every word I say

I know that you don't trust me

But I'm better than the stories about me

Everybody messes up someday

Ain't got no rhyme or reason

All I know is that I'm yours, yours, yours with every season.

Västerås

I'm home.
Back home in Västerås. It feels like it's been forever since I got to spend some time in my own apartment.
Altho It's been good for me to be in the company of my dear friend Hannah for two months.. It's time to get back to reality and my own routines. I need to get back in to training and eating healthy.
My baby sister is getting married in a month so will be fun to be near her and help her out any way I can with planing and organizing.

I've been starting to crave change. I've always been on the run, for the major part of my life.
Everytime I'm doing really poorly mentally, I tend to pick up and move, from this country.
I'm trying really hard to NOT do that this time,. From experience that never helps on a long term. It's just a temporary solution.
Instead I'm looking for more, "Right now" change. Like maybe.. Switching jobs, reconnecting with old friends, working on myself and my trauma. Things that will provide a more, healthy change. You know?

I don't know why I've been doing so poorly lately, I can't pinpoint one specific situation.
I think, THINK it's the lack of security and stability I've been feeling lately.
The need for someone to just, look at me and give me that sense of.. "Everything is ok, you got this".
That and the whole Jordan thing being brought up again. I'm trying HARD to not let that push me down. It's hard tho.. Cause.. It's Jordan.. and well.. You all know..

Also got a haircut.. Again, the need for change ;)
But really tho. It was quite the makeover! To go from really long hair, to REALLY short hair. New color and everything. I'm really happy with it. I'm always happy and content with anything my dear friend and hairdresser, Mathilda does with my hair. She's magic!

Untill next time.

xoxo

I'm stayingin my spot!

Thursday.
I felt a little stronger this morning but then I get to work and am forced to sit next to him. Like everyday.
I choose to stay in my spot even tho we're not taking anymore.
I stay because I don't want to deal with the questions as to why I'm NOT next to him. I stay in my spot cause.. despite him ignoring me to the point where in actually staying to doubt my own existence, he still means the absolut world to me and he still gives me a sense of security. That's why I stay.
Things got instantly brighter the second my little waffle, Felicia walked in to work. She's my little star! I see myself in her. She's just like me, the way I was three years ago.
This girl has all the potential in the world to be and go wherever she wants. All she needs is a little guidance, something I'm trying to give her. Sucks that she's moving in a few months.

Other than that. I'm going home for a few hours tomorrow. Have an appointment with Mathilda. My friend and hairdresser. I'm in desperate need of a makeover and I trust her blindly to deal with this mop they call hair!
After that it's back to Eskilstuna for some After Work with the colleagues.
I'm not sure I'll stick around all night tho.. It all depends if HE will be there and how he treats me. Time will tell.

Time to sleep now. Long busy day tomorrow.

P.s. check out Felicias blog and what she wrote about me. ♡

Felicias blog

This Too Shall Pass...

Not again I scream
Over-analyzing everything
The circle of us
Won't break it's pattern
Won't seize cause

I am your stubborn hypocritical lover
Guarded by thorns of my past
You have been wounded, bled out
Anger gushing
And none of us thought it would last

The winds of your ego
The waves of my tears
Made the most perfect almighty storm
That we've seen this year
But experience gathered
We've learned from our past
So don't worry darling
This too shall pass

Soul-bruising, I look at you
Accusingly cause I am black and blue
Emotional fist
You are the only man who makes me feel like this

I am your weakness, I am your protector
But who will protect you from me?
The damage is obvious, patch me together
Loosen your grip boy, I can't breathe

The winds of your ego
The waves of my tears
Made the most perfect almighty storm
That we've seen this year
But experience gathered
We've learned from our past
So don't worry darling
This too shall pass

Emotional

It's been an EMOTIONAL two days.
The kind of emotional when you really doubt you'll be ok in the end.. I'm still questioning it.
I don't handle abandonment well. At all.
It's the deepest form of pain for me.. To be left behind.
To have someone willingly turn their back on me.. It cuts deep. Very deep.
I've lost someone whom I held CLOSE to my heart.. Not even close, but IN my heart.
The kind of person who you feel so comfortable with, trust so deeply and care so much about that they become a part of your heart.. I've lost that person.
And the hardest thing about it.. they left without explanation.
It leaves me questioning myself..
To go from someone who was introduced as their best female friend, to someone who doesn't even exist in their world.
The pain.. it becomes more than a mental state of mind..
I feel it on every level of my existence.
Abandonment..
I have to heal my heart and accept the fact that they have left me.
Things like this always takes me forever.. But I've done it before, and I'll do it again.
I just hope this doesn't scare me off from opening up and trusting people in the future.
Despite all this, and no matter what happens.. I will never have a bad word to say about you.
When someone asks about you I will simply smile and be grateful for the friendship that you showed me and for the unbelievable kind person that you are.
Never doubt that. Ever.
Thank You

Abandonment

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/

In Swedish!

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Adult Children.

The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
   
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
   
3. We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
   
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
   
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
   
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
   
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
   
8. We became addicted to excitement.
   
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
   
10. We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
    
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
    
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
    
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
    
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
    

Gratitude

I'm forever grateful for people like you.

Genuine and selfless.

If it wasn't for your kindness, today would have been one of the worst days ever.

Thank you for lifting my spirit and reminding me why I keep fighting every day.

Will you love me?

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Brockovich

Two good days in a row now.
Even tho this day felt like a year, it was still a good day.
It feels like things are a little.. lighter between me and my rock.. Still not like it used to be.. But better. And better.. is all I can ask for.

I'm really missing Hannah now.. She's been gone since Friday and I'm more than ready for her to come home now. And so is my dog, cause she's at the point where she's happy to see ME when i come home from work.. and that's just.. not right.
Hannah.. come home.. you broke my dog!!

I'm starting to feel again, like it's fun to go to work every day.
I had a dip in december where I just.. didn't enjoy it.
I think a lot of it had to do with me and little J drifting a part and because of my medical situation right now..
My medical situation has really had me down.
I needed time to process it and think about what it really meant for me if any of the diagnosis turned out to be.. Real?
I'm still waiting for my MRI.. The waiting is definitely not easy.. It's the not knowing that effs me over. It's not ultimate for someone with anxiety.
But anyways, like I said.. I'm enjoying work again and as soon as I step outside of work I start planing in my head what I'm gonna wear the next day, how I'm gonna wear my hair.. which usually just turns out as a bun anyways.. But still.. a girl can still plan?!

Erin Brockovich on TV now.. Might update again later..

xoxo

Waffle

Just got back from work.
It's been one of those days when your not quite sure what you did all day.
Someone snapped their fingers and then the day was over, type of thing.
Mondays are usually a LONG day, but for some reason, today.. was a fast and short day.

My new meds have been noted at work. It's very apparent when my colleagues comment on the fact that I'm not the bubbly, happy, smiley, Lindah anymore.
I'm just... flat.
Not happy, not unhappy... just... flat.
It warms my heart when they notice a change in me.
"We don't recognize our Lindah".. OUR Lindah!
I love my peeps at work. At least most of them.
We're having our monthly After Work party next Friday. SERIOUSLY excited!
It's been 2 months since our last one, as Christmas got in the way and the one before that.. I wish I could undo that one.
But yea, do it over, do it right!
This time I hope my little waffle, Felicia will join us.
She's my mini me. Someone I can relate to do to the fact that she is me, 3 years ago.
Same type of childhood trauma and same type of personality traits that came with it.
I hold her close to my heart for that reason.
And even tho I know that she will be moving to a different city, and I haven't known her for more than a few months.. I will always be here to support her and help her through anything, should she ever need me.

Finally got to skype my Favorite Norwegian, last night!
It's been WAY to long.
We talked a little about life, Backstreet Boys and the future of ExchangersUnited.com's twitter account. From now on, I will be running that account.
I love our little project we have going on with the website.
Tess does all the coding and the actual work with the website, and I'm more helpful when it comes to info as I keep in touch with management and the boys, so I provide her with anything we need for the site, like pictures of the guys and what not.
Richard was kind enough to give us a BUNCH of photos of the boys to use for promoting.
Really good pictures that we can use that's not been seen or published yet by the boys.
It will be good to have some fresh pics to share with the fans as they've probably seen every published photo about a million times by now.
We really do our best to keep the Exchangers updated and activated while the boys do what they need to do to get their name out there. They REALLY do deserve to make it. Big time.
They have the talent, they have the tools and they're lucky enough to have a group of hardcore Backstreet Fans as their core fanbase in Europe.
Backstreet fans have been around for 22 years now. We have the connections and we know what it means to follow a "boy band".
We might be used to having it a certain way, we're spoiled if you will.
But we're willing to be patient and to help the boys as much as we can.
I can't wait to see what their next step is.

Anyways, gonna watch some TV now and just.. relax.
Leave a comment and tell me who you are and where you're from.
Would love to know you!

xoxo

The wounded one

I wanted to write about me. Not just.. what I do every day and what's in my head.
I mean.. ME. Who I am and why.
Dig a little deeper, ya know?
Most of my friends know I haven't had what you would call.. "an easy life".
To be perfectly honest.. My life has been anything BUT easy.
The only logical explanation to me still being alive, would be my friends.
I get attached to people really easily. When I see and find something good in someone, i full heartedly take to that person. Some more than others.
In some way I think I am unconsciously trying to find substitutes for an non existing family that I've never had.

I don't trust boys. I can't. The lack of a father figure plays a big part in that I think.
And my grandfather left my grandmother for a younger woman when I was 11.
I've really only opened my heart for two guys. Ever.
One who's not in my life anymore and the other one.. well.. He's slipping away and I'm not handling it well.. I wish I knew how to save the friendship I have.. Had, with him.. But I don't know how to.
And I don't handle rejection very well, so asking him the "How" and "Why" is not a option.
I am to scared of hearing the "I want nothing to do with you".
He is my rock.. My constant reminder of that there are good guys out there and that kindness, can be completely unselfish.
Cause that, he is. Unselfish and kind. Beyond any words I can ever come up with.
I adore him and the friendship that he has showed me.

I push people away and I self sabotage myself.
I don't mean to. But it is in some sick way, me trying to protect myself.
Protect myself from abandonment.
Abandonment.. The one thing that scares me to the very core of my being.
To be left alone.
To have someone whom you've opened up to, trusted and given your heart to.. Leave you.
The pain of having someone you care so deeply abouy, walk out of your life and leave you alone.
Yet.. Those are the people I push away.. The people whom are the closest to me.
      - Do I really believe that It hurts less if I "make" them leave, rather to have them leave me? 
Am I really that damaged? 

There are so many like me out there.
We, the wounded ones. The Adult Children. ACA. 
I wish I was normal.. That I could function and think like the rest of the population.
But I can't.
My scars are deep. They are mine and mine to live with.
Mine to protect and to heal.
Mine to show to those whom I trust will not be scared off by them.
My scars are not on the outside. Not for people to see and to think for themselves..
- "hey.. she's really hurt, wonder what she's been through".
My scars are only visible to those who choose to see them.
For those with enough patience to see through my smile and the wall that protects me.


- I wish I was normal.


www.adultchildren.org 

http://coda.org 

Scary movie

'Elloooo!

So it didn't take me forever to get back. Only like.. what? A week?
Anyways, I gave my blog a facelift. The other design was so.. Princessy?

It's Sunday today.. Such a waste day.
Had one of my favorite people stay over last night so at least had company half the day.
I've been spending SO much time here in Eskilstuna I'm starting to worry my friends back home will forget all about me. lol.
Don't worry, loves.. I'll be home next weekend.

As of right now, I'm just hangin out at home away from home watching TV.
Love this apartment. The BEST thing about it is.. It takes me about 2.5hrs LESS to get to work.
WINNER!

Had the girls over last night for a Scary Movie marathon. Such an awesome night.
We watched "The quiet ones" and "The haunting in Connecticut 2".
Some of us were more scared than others and needed pillow shields Haha.
At one point the guys next dore, who was btw fully informed of the fact that there was a bunch of girs in the next apt, watching scary moviea, they decided to open the front dore and scare the living crap out of us before quicky closing it again and running back to theirs. 
Too damn funny.

Anyways.. Am gonna keep cleaning this apt now.
Hope everyone is doing well.

xoxo

No excuses

I keep saying that I'm gonna get better at this blogging thing.. I guess life keeps getting in the way.
I used to be really good at blogging. Used to update 4-6 times every day. Now I'm lucky if i manage to get an entry in every other month or so.

Truth is, I've just been really busy. Work, friends and other important things, such as myself for example.
I'm still working at Tele2 costumer service. I truly love my colleagues at this place.
I'm still holding on to my rock, my little guy, Johan.
He's truly been the main reason why i'm still at this place.
We've drifted a part a little bit.. Which honestly sucks and i don't know how to find my way back to the safe place that is him. He used to be the one secure place I'd run to when anxiety hit me.
Now.. I just.. I don't know.. but it suck.
No matter what I still love that little guy, he's an awesome friend.

I've also gotten really close to some of the girls at work.
I wasn't really looking to befriend any girls.. cause of the fact that girls are usually drama and I tend to shy away from that nowadays. But these girls are truly awesome and I can't help but to enjoy myself in their company.

Christmas and new years has come and gone. Thankfully.
I haven't been a Christmas person since i was a little girl. Not that odd as I don't have a family to celebrate with anymore.
I do how ever have awesome friends who takes me in and lets me be a part of their family for the holidays. This years I spent it with my awesome friend, Sandra.
Sandra and I went to college together so we've known each other since... 2001 now.. MAN.. that's a long time! Anyways, it was such a lovely Christmas.. a real family thing. Santa came and everything!!
And yes.. I'm way excited over that cause well.. Santa never showed up when I was a kid. He just snuck in while i was sleeping and put all the gifts under the tree.

New years was spent with Jennifer, my partner in crime!
She's one of the absolute best people I know and I truly adore her.
It was chill new years, had dinner and a few drinks at her friends house before heading out on our own to a club. COMPLETE meat market, heard every pick up line in the book. But nope.. I'm not that easy.

Anyways.. Gonna watch a movie now and relax. Tomorrow I'm off back to Eskilstuna (The city I where I work). I'm not gonna promise I'll get better at this blogging thing. You're just gonna have to bare with me. I'll leave you with some pictures.