Ten Feet Tall

You build me up
Make me what I never was
You build me up
From nothing into something
Yeah, something from the dust

Been trying so hard not to let it show
But you got me feeling like
I'm stepping on buildings, cars and boats
I swear I could touch the sky

German babies with pink balloons?

Stressful day.
Was on the verge of an Anxiety attack last night, when finally.. after a week and a half of silence, my sweet friend FINALLY got in touch. It was so timed it's ridiculous.
Kept me going through today, tho I could still feel that anxiety in the back of my head waiting to party.
Still have not touched my meds.

Spent my afternoon with my bestie, Isabell.
Got some serious baby cuddles that will hold me over for a while.
I want a whole football team of my own. Some day..
I'm just in pure bliss when I get to be around children.
I miss working with kids.
For 7 years I did it as a profession but it was years before that I started babysitting.

My birthday is right around the corner now. Ppl keep asking me what I want for my day.. and in all honesty.. I just want a good day, with my friends and for someone to bake me a cake.
Maybe a pink balloon too.. A pink balloon would be nice.
I wouldn't mind a cute boy either.... Wrapped up in a pink bow.. Awe............. *dreams away*

I REALLY wanna be in Germany right now.. Berlin to be specific.
I'm kind of stressing over it and stress triggers my anxiety so that's no good..

Gonna try and unwind now so I can hopefully get some sleep.. cause sure didn't sleep much last night.

LOVE

Weekend, over..

Hey lovers!

So weekend is just about over and I feel like we should cry about it for a second.
- No.. Really.

It's been a good weekend. Like I told you earlier, friday was spend with my little friend Mathilda with whom I get to spend WAY to little time with now days.
Saturday.. I pretty much burned a whole in my wallet with all the shopping that went down.
But I deserved some new stuff. I've been doing really well these past few weeks so I felt I should treat myself a little bit.
After shopping I got home, got changed and went over to my dearest friends house.
I've known Dorothea since she was 2 and I was 3yrs old.. So we're pretty much family at this point.
We had a good ol' fashioned BBQ.
Lots of kids running around, the smell of BBQ in the air, and good company.
Exactly what life should be like!
Today has been the weekly cleaning day.
It's actually been good even tho I've missed out on the absolutely GORGEOUS weather outside.
It's gonna be even hotter out tomorrow so hopefully I'll manage to get some sun on my lunchbreak...
I'm getting SO many freckles in this sunshine I can't deal.. I HAAAATE my freckles.. I feel like a dalmatian..

Anyways.. It's around that time when I need to unwind and fall asleep.. Work tomorrow.. blah..
Thankfully a short week.. Mon-Wed so will go by quick.

Hope you all are doing well out there. xoxo

It's a good day to spend some money

Uhghhh...uu..ugh..
I was JUST gonna go out for a few beers after work with a friend.
Yep.. Well.. we did have a few beers... and a drink.. and shots... Ugh..
I'm not hung over.. but I'm guessing my bank account is.
Oh well.. I hardly ever get to hang out with my little Mathilda and it's def not every day I get to get her drunk. Love that girl.. She's like a sister to me. Can't believe she'll be graduating this year!

Anyways.. It's pretty sweet how Exchange fans come to me, to ME for things they wanna put together/do for the boys.. with little ideas and such.. I'm all for it. If I can help, I will help.
Just cute how for some reason.. they want MY help!
I'm honored.
Right now I'm cooking up a little something for the boys with a girl who apparently waited a few weeks to PM me with the idea lol, I'm loving this one.
Will be fun to see it develop and the finished product. I'm sure the boys will love it.

Later today I will be booking flights to Finland with Madeléne.
This cruise will be effin epic! It's almost like a little "Exchange Europe Staff trip".
Loving these girls and how they all have me loling all day every day.
Especially Tiina.. she's HILARIOUS!! The comments she comes up with is.. pure gold.
So grateful to have these 3 fantastic ppl in my life. They def bring me joy.

In other news.. Yesterday was payday.. so today is I'M-GOING-SHOPPING-DAY!!

I'm out!

LOVE y'all!

This is us!

Assuming

Happy Easter, or.. belated Easter?
I just got done with my first day at work back from Easter break.
It's been an overwhelming weekend for me.. Emotional to say the least.

I've had this awesome person in my life these past 2 months.
This person has been SO supportive and kind to me trough my anxiety.
He's had me lifted enough to keep me off my meds.
He'd probably say that I did it all on my own.. But truth of the matter is.. I couldn't have done it without him.
And for that I will be forever grateful.
The sad thing is.. I've not been able to enjoy this person lately do to other people butting in, assuming things and making things their business. Which is sad..
Cause.. Being who I am, coming from the background that I do..
I already find it hard to enjoy good things in life.. and ppl making this even harder.. have made me want to back off.
I'm really tired off all the assuming going on.
I am an grateful person. I've never had much to be grateful for in life.. growing up.
Never really had someone who asked how I was doing, and actually cared.
Now, I have things in life to be grateful for.. So grateful.. a BEAUTIFUL group of friends that love and support me, among other things.
If someone shows me kindness, I respond with gratitude.
To me, that should be natural to any person.. But it seems it isn't as my gratitude seams to be mistaken for something else.
This person who's kept me smiling lately, I have love for him.. but I am not in any way, IN love with him.
I am grateful for him giving me attention and asking how I am doing.
I am grateful that he takes time out of his day to check in on me every now and then.
But that's it. I am Grateful.
So if people could stop speculating and assuming things, it would be greatly appreciated.
I've decided to just simply.. back off.. I do not have the strength to deal with drama right now.
I've already set my instagram, facebook & twitter to private to minimize the snooping.
I don't think I can do much more than that.

That's all for me right now..
Stay good.

I miss my Santa Monica apt!!

Deep state of mind

Good morning? Or.. Night?
Woke up at 4.30 and now I can't fall asleep.
When all else fails.. Blog.

Anyways.. I had a complete melt down 2 nights ago.. I can without a doubt say that, that.. was the worst attack I've EVER had.. It was more than just anxiety.. it was a full blown panic attack.
I found my anxiety meds that same night.. They had rolled under my bed.
I put three pills in my hand and... heard that magic sentence in my head.. "I'm so proud of you"... and I just couldn't take them... It was like a block!
I couldn't do it.. I needed to.. then more than ever.. But.. I couldn't do it.
Thankfully I had good friends to help me through the worst part of it, they distracted me enough so I could calm myself and get back out of it.
I just HOPE that i NEVER get an attack THAT bad again.. cause in all seriousness,
I don't ever wanna have to just.. sit through that again.
I kind of know, and understand where the attack was triggered from..
THAT guy.. I know what ya'll are thinking now.. "LET HIM GO"...
And that's just the thing.. I feel that I am..
And it's been so long, that I don't remember how to NOT love him..
I have loved him so deeply for the last 4 years now.. and..I just.. Don't know what It's like not loving him.
Shit really went down with that situation and a lot of "unfinished business" that is still there..
But I guess me doing so good lately and being in a more happy place.. has helped me to disconnect from him enough to actually be ready to let him go...
I will always hold him close to my heart.. But I can't love him like I used to. For my own sake.

Am gonna try and get some more sleep now..
I hope you all are doing well, and.. Happy Easter!

HappyThankYouMorePlease!

I've had a great day. I have my sparkle back!!

I can't even remember the last time I felt this good. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be happy. But I can genuinely say.. I'm doing good. Real good. 

I have a fantastic support system for ones and I trust the universe fully to take me where I need to be, when I need to be there.

Apparently the universe did not think it would be a good idea for me to be back in Jersey next month..

I guess I kind of sort of agree... deep down.. But HE is there. And I would have LOVED to run in to him... Tho that would probably have been the absolute worst thing for me at the moment.
And the fact that I understand this.. Is a step in the right direction.
He will always be THAT guy for me.. But I need to let him go.. Mind and heart. And I think it's about that time.. and then some. But hey.. Better late then never.

Right now I'm curled up in bed with my puppy.

Is it fair she's taking up 4, FOUR pillows and I have to do with one?? 

And mind you.. She's a chihuahua!
Love this little terrorist. 

I've been craving a trip to SoCal lately.. I miss Santa Monica and 3rd street.
Sitting by the football field at my old school, SMC and checkin out the team practice. 

Mmm Life. Definitely miss it.
Am gonna try and make it back to Cali at the end of this year.

First, NY and FL tho.. Have my awesome FL family that I'm dying to see and NY... Well.. NY needs no explanation. 

Might hopefully get to go upstate NY this time.. Never been.. Bout time I'd say.. and hopefully good people will be home so I can see some familiar faces! 

As for right now... Bed time.. 

Fall in love... and fall hard while your at it.. one of these times.. It's gonna be worth it. 

Crazy Cruiser

Sunday night and I'm SO not ready for this weekend to be over...
Where did it go?
I've got a weird gut feeling that something is about to go down.
This feeling never sit well with me, cause usually.. I'm right.
I would LOVE to take 2 of my magic pills right now to make it go away.. BUT... "I'm so proud of you" keeps ringing in my ears which makes me not take them.. Tho I want to.. so bad!

It's been a chill day tho.. Went to bed at 4am.. rolled out of bed at 7 when the girls woke me up with their facebook messages lol... "Aaron tweeted..." Lol.. to much free time!
I love these girls.. they're my kind of crazy!
We're planing a lil cruise end of May, will be good to see everyone again.
We talk all day every day.. But it's just not the same as getting together, having drinks and dancing the night away.

On a different note.. Me and Anna cancelled my birthday trip to New York, last night.
Sad.. But we're planing in heading over there later this year.
Probably over Halloween.
Visit some friends, new and old and just.. Enjoy my magic place.
Anna has never been to NY, or even been to the US so will be awesome to introduce her to the Man in my life.. Manhattan. The only man who's never failed me.

Am gonna hit "The Secret" real heard again..
I haven't done the work in a while now and I could need it so.. going back over it again.

Anyways.. Finally time to unwind.. watch a movie and fall asleep.
Hope you all enjoyed the weekend.

HappyThankYouMorePlease

Me and my broken heart

Goood Morning, lovers!

Double Laundry Party!

I'm double booked tomorrow.
I'm excited about it to.. Is that sad? Ha!
It's just that, I really really love seeing as much of my friends as I possibly can on weekends, as that is my only time off work.
And another thing is that it's SO much more fun getting dressed up for a night out now days when I'm 90lbs less than i was a year ago.
It's bizarre looking back at old pictures of myself from back then.. I don't know that girl anymore.
I like myself nowdays.. And I love taking care of myself.
Sure, obviously I have my issused and LOADS of baggage, but we all do.. More or less.
I'm just thankful for the fact that I'm now aware of my situation and all the "why's".
It's good to know why I am the way I am.. And not just walk around thinking I'm strange and alone.
Cause nope.. there's thousands of "me" out there.. ACA, is unfortunately very common.

Just got done with my laundry. I love doing laundry.. Yea yea.. I never said I was normal.. (no shit).
I just love clean! Fresh, crisp, nice smelling clean clothes! Mmm..!

Anyways.. I'm doing real good lately. It's a strange feeling.. I keep looking for my meds.. but I don't need them.. Which is probably a good thing.. cause I can't for the love of God, remember where I put them!!?
That alone gives me anxiety, Ha!

Am gonna try and get someone to guest-blog in here.
Switch it up a lil.

Untill next time my lovelies.. Be safe, and take care of each other.

Friday!

Hey, just hit me that it's friday tomorrow!
Saturday I'm double booked with 2 different parties to attend.
As one of the parties is the birthday party for my bestest friend.. I'm gonna have to divide my time.
Gonna swing by her place first, and then move on to the next party and hopefully we can all meet up out in the city.
I don't know what I would do without my friends.
It's the closest thing to a family I've ever had.
I know I owe my all to them, and I will spend my life making sure they are happy.
That's what family, in my mind.. is.
I miss my New York & New Jersey friends.. A LOT!
I haven't seen them since forever now it feels like.. and it's not a good feeling.
I'm debating on if I should head over in june for two weeks.. tie it in with the three Backstreet shows in NY & NJ at the same time.. But I don't know if I should wait for halloween later this year.. nothing beets Halloween on Manhattan..
My magic place.. probably the one place on this planet I feel completely at ease.
In the mist of all the madness and craziness that is Manhattan.. I'm completely calm.


Anyways.. Tomorrow is friday.. Let's make it a good one!

"I'm so proud of you"

I'm home sick.. Not homesick.. At home, sick.
It was a hectic and emotional weekend..
Jenn, Madelene and I flew over to the UK for the last two Backstreet Boys Europe dates.
I actually flew over more or less for the opening act..
The Exchange have come to mean a lot to me.
Maybe especially one member of the group who's def been a support and comfort place for me when I've had troubles with my anxiety.
I've still not had to take my meds since first meeting these guys back in march.
They, he.. just keeps me in a happy place where I just don't have a need for my meds.
It's hard to explain anxiety for someone who has never suffered from it personally.
Most people will just tell me to brush it off and get over it... But it's far from that easy.
There's a reason to why ppl take medication for this.
You wouldn't tell someone with Asthma to get over it, would you?
Anyways.. There are no words to explain the gratefulness I have towards Aaron and the other guys.
Aaron for his warm words of support. "I'm so proud of you" can, and does go a LONG way with me.
Especially since I never had that before.. someone to give me a warm hug and tell me they're proud of me for something.. It's a nice feeling and it makes me wanna push even harder.
As of right now.. I'm struggling to find that "happy place" to hold on to,
I've found it helps my anxiety to always have something to look forward too, now.. I have no focus.
too keep my head above water..
I know the boys will announce new dates in Europe to perform.. but until they do... I guess I'm gonna have to try and sit back and relax, and wait for a tweet to slap that smile back on my face.. :)

But as for right now.. I'm gonna keep resting so my cold will go away.
Don't ever forget to show ppl that means something to you, just how grateful you are.
It makes all the difference.