Ten Feet Tall

You build me up
Make me what I never was
You build me up
From nothing into something
Yeah, something from the dust

Been trying so hard not to let it show
But you got me feeling like
I'm stepping on buildings, cars and boats
I swear I could touch the sky

German babies with pink balloons?

Stressful day.
Was on the verge of an Anxiety attack last night, when finally.. after a week and a half of silence, my sweet friend FINALLY got in touch. It was so timed it's ridiculous.
Kept me going through today, tho I could still feel that anxiety in the back of my head waiting to party.
Still have not touched my meds.

Spent my afternoon with my bestie, Isabell.
Got some serious baby cuddles that will hold me over for a while.
I want a whole football team of my own. Some day..
I'm just in pure bliss when I get to be around children.
I miss working with kids.
For 7 years I did it as a profession but it was years before that I started babysitting.

My birthday is right around the corner now. Ppl keep asking me what I want for my day.. and in all honesty.. I just want a good day, with my friends and for someone to bake me a cake.
Maybe a pink balloon too.. A pink balloon would be nice.
I wouldn't mind a cute boy either.... Wrapped up in a pink bow.. Awe............. *dreams away*

I REALLY wanna be in Germany right now.. Berlin to be specific.
I'm kind of stressing over it and stress triggers my anxiety so that's no good..

Gonna try and unwind now so I can hopefully get some sleep.. cause sure didn't sleep much last night.

LOVE

Weekend, over..

Hey lovers!

So weekend is just about over and I feel like we should cry about it for a second.
- No.. Really.

It's been a good weekend. Like I told you earlier, friday was spend with my little friend Mathilda with whom I get to spend WAY to little time with now days.
Saturday.. I pretty much burned a whole in my wallet with all the shopping that went down.
But I deserved some new stuff. I've been doing really well these past few weeks so I felt I should treat myself a little bit.
After shopping I got home, got changed and went over to my dearest friends house.
I've known Dorothea since she was 2 and I was 3yrs old.. So we're pretty much family at this point.
We had a good ol' fashioned BBQ.
Lots of kids running around, the smell of BBQ in the air, and good company.
Exactly what life should be like!
Today has been the weekly cleaning day.
It's actually been good even tho I've missed out on the absolutely GORGEOUS weather outside.
It's gonna be even hotter out tomorrow so hopefully I'll manage to get some sun on my lunchbreak...
I'm getting SO many freckles in this sunshine I can't deal.. I HAAAATE my freckles.. I feel like a dalmatian..

Anyways.. It's around that time when I need to unwind and fall asleep.. Work tomorrow.. blah..
Thankfully a short week.. Mon-Wed so will go by quick.

Hope you all are doing well out there. xoxo

It's a good day to spend some money

Uhghhh...uu..ugh..
I was JUST gonna go out for a few beers after work with a friend.
Yep.. Well.. we did have a few beers... and a drink.. and shots... Ugh..
I'm not hung over.. but I'm guessing my bank account is.
Oh well.. I hardly ever get to hang out with my little Mathilda and it's def not every day I get to get her drunk. Love that girl.. She's like a sister to me. Can't believe she'll be graduating this year!

Anyways.. It's pretty sweet how Exchange fans come to me, to ME for things they wanna put together/do for the boys.. with little ideas and such.. I'm all for it. If I can help, I will help.
Just cute how for some reason.. they want MY help!
I'm honored.
Right now I'm cooking up a little something for the boys with a girl who apparently waited a few weeks to PM me with the idea lol, I'm loving this one.
Will be fun to see it develop and the finished product. I'm sure the boys will love it.

Later today I will be booking flights to Finland with Madeléne.
This cruise will be effin epic! It's almost like a little "Exchange Europe Staff trip".
Loving these girls and how they all have me loling all day every day.
Especially Tiina.. she's HILARIOUS!! The comments she comes up with is.. pure gold.
So grateful to have these 3 fantastic ppl in my life. They def bring me joy.

In other news.. Yesterday was payday.. so today is I'M-GOING-SHOPPING-DAY!!

I'm out!

LOVE y'all!

This is us!

Assuming

Happy Easter, or.. belated Easter?
I just got done with my first day at work back from Easter break.
It's been an overwhelming weekend for me.. Emotional to say the least.

I've had this awesome person in my life these past 2 months.
This person has been SO supportive and kind to me trough my anxiety.
He's had me lifted enough to keep me off my meds.
He'd probably say that I did it all on my own.. But truth of the matter is.. I couldn't have done it without him.
And for that I will be forever grateful.
The sad thing is.. I've not been able to enjoy this person lately do to other people butting in, assuming things and making things their business. Which is sad..
Cause.. Being who I am, coming from the background that I do..
I already find it hard to enjoy good things in life.. and ppl making this even harder.. have made me want to back off.
I'm really tired off all the assuming going on.
I am an grateful person. I've never had much to be grateful for in life.. growing up.
Never really had someone who asked how I was doing, and actually cared.
Now, I have things in life to be grateful for.. So grateful.. a BEAUTIFUL group of friends that love and support me, among other things.
If someone shows me kindness, I respond with gratitude.
To me, that should be natural to any person.. But it seems it isn't as my gratitude seams to be mistaken for something else.
This person who's kept me smiling lately, I have love for him.. but I am not in any way, IN love with him.
I am grateful for him giving me attention and asking how I am doing.
I am grateful that he takes time out of his day to check in on me every now and then.
But that's it. I am Grateful.
So if people could stop speculating and assuming things, it would be greatly appreciated.
I've decided to just simply.. back off.. I do not have the strength to deal with drama right now.
I've already set my instagram, facebook & twitter to private to minimize the snooping.
I don't think I can do much more than that.

That's all for me right now..
Stay good.

I miss my Santa Monica apt!!

Deep state of mind

Good morning? Or.. Night?
Woke up at 4.30 and now I can't fall asleep.
When all else fails.. Blog.

Anyways.. I had a complete melt down 2 nights ago.. I can without a doubt say that, that.. was the worst attack I've EVER had.. It was more than just anxiety.. it was a full blown panic attack.
I found my anxiety meds that same night.. They had rolled under my bed.
I put three pills in my hand and... heard that magic sentence in my head.. "I'm so proud of you"... and I just couldn't take them... It was like a block!
I couldn't do it.. I needed to.. then more than ever.. But.. I couldn't do it.
Thankfully I had good friends to help me through the worst part of it, they distracted me enough so I could calm myself and get back out of it.
I just HOPE that i NEVER get an attack THAT bad again.. cause in all seriousness,
I don't ever wanna have to just.. sit through that again.
I kind of know, and understand where the attack was triggered from..
THAT guy.. I know what ya'll are thinking now.. "LET HIM GO"...
And that's just the thing.. I feel that I am..
And it's been so long, that I don't remember how to NOT love him..
I have loved him so deeply for the last 4 years now.. and..I just.. Don't know what It's like not loving him.
Shit really went down with that situation and a lot of "unfinished business" that is still there..
But I guess me doing so good lately and being in a more happy place.. has helped me to disconnect from him enough to actually be ready to let him go...
I will always hold him close to my heart.. But I can't love him like I used to. For my own sake.

Am gonna try and get some more sleep now..
I hope you all are doing well, and.. Happy Easter!

HappyThankYouMorePlease!

I've had a great day. I have my sparkle back!!

I can't even remember the last time I felt this good. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be happy. But I can genuinely say.. I'm doing good. Real good. 

I have a fantastic support system for ones and I trust the universe fully to take me where I need to be, when I need to be there.

Apparently the universe did not think it would be a good idea for me to be back in Jersey next month..

I guess I kind of sort of agree... deep down.. But HE is there. And I would have LOVED to run in to him... Tho that would probably have been the absolute worst thing for me at the moment.
And the fact that I understand this.. Is a step in the right direction.
He will always be THAT guy for me.. But I need to let him go.. Mind and heart. And I think it's about that time.. and then some. But hey.. Better late then never.

Right now I'm curled up in bed with my puppy.

Is it fair she's taking up 4, FOUR pillows and I have to do with one?? 

And mind you.. She's a chihuahua!
Love this little terrorist. 

I've been craving a trip to SoCal lately.. I miss Santa Monica and 3rd street.
Sitting by the football field at my old school, SMC and checkin out the team practice. 

Mmm Life. Definitely miss it.
Am gonna try and make it back to Cali at the end of this year.

First, NY and FL tho.. Have my awesome FL family that I'm dying to see and NY... Well.. NY needs no explanation. 

Might hopefully get to go upstate NY this time.. Never been.. Bout time I'd say.. and hopefully good people will be home so I can see some familiar faces! 

As for right now... Bed time.. 

Fall in love... and fall hard while your at it.. one of these times.. It's gonna be worth it. 

Crazy Cruiser

Sunday night and I'm SO not ready for this weekend to be over...
Where did it go?
I've got a weird gut feeling that something is about to go down.
This feeling never sit well with me, cause usually.. I'm right.
I would LOVE to take 2 of my magic pills right now to make it go away.. BUT... "I'm so proud of you" keeps ringing in my ears which makes me not take them.. Tho I want to.. so bad!

It's been a chill day tho.. Went to bed at 4am.. rolled out of bed at 7 when the girls woke me up with their facebook messages lol... "Aaron tweeted..." Lol.. to much free time!
I love these girls.. they're my kind of crazy!
We're planing a lil cruise end of May, will be good to see everyone again.
We talk all day every day.. But it's just not the same as getting together, having drinks and dancing the night away.

On a different note.. Me and Anna cancelled my birthday trip to New York, last night.
Sad.. But we're planing in heading over there later this year.
Probably over Halloween.
Visit some friends, new and old and just.. Enjoy my magic place.
Anna has never been to NY, or even been to the US so will be awesome to introduce her to the Man in my life.. Manhattan. The only man who's never failed me.

Am gonna hit "The Secret" real heard again..
I haven't done the work in a while now and I could need it so.. going back over it again.

Anyways.. Finally time to unwind.. watch a movie and fall asleep.
Hope you all enjoyed the weekend.

HappyThankYouMorePlease

Me and my broken heart

Goood Morning, lovers!

Double Laundry Party!

I'm double booked tomorrow.
I'm excited about it to.. Is that sad? Ha!
It's just that, I really really love seeing as much of my friends as I possibly can on weekends, as that is my only time off work.
And another thing is that it's SO much more fun getting dressed up for a night out now days when I'm 90lbs less than i was a year ago.
It's bizarre looking back at old pictures of myself from back then.. I don't know that girl anymore.
I like myself nowdays.. And I love taking care of myself.
Sure, obviously I have my issused and LOADS of baggage, but we all do.. More or less.
I'm just thankful for the fact that I'm now aware of my situation and all the "why's".
It's good to know why I am the way I am.. And not just walk around thinking I'm strange and alone.
Cause nope.. there's thousands of "me" out there.. ACA, is unfortunately very common.

Just got done with my laundry. I love doing laundry.. Yea yea.. I never said I was normal.. (no shit).
I just love clean! Fresh, crisp, nice smelling clean clothes! Mmm..!

Anyways.. I'm doing real good lately. It's a strange feeling.. I keep looking for my meds.. but I don't need them.. Which is probably a good thing.. cause I can't for the love of God, remember where I put them!!?
That alone gives me anxiety, Ha!

Am gonna try and get someone to guest-blog in here.
Switch it up a lil.

Untill next time my lovelies.. Be safe, and take care of each other.

Friday!

Hey, just hit me that it's friday tomorrow!
Saturday I'm double booked with 2 different parties to attend.
As one of the parties is the birthday party for my bestest friend.. I'm gonna have to divide my time.
Gonna swing by her place first, and then move on to the next party and hopefully we can all meet up out in the city.
I don't know what I would do without my friends.
It's the closest thing to a family I've ever had.
I know I owe my all to them, and I will spend my life making sure they are happy.
That's what family, in my mind.. is.
I miss my New York & New Jersey friends.. A LOT!
I haven't seen them since forever now it feels like.. and it's not a good feeling.
I'm debating on if I should head over in june for two weeks.. tie it in with the three Backstreet shows in NY & NJ at the same time.. But I don't know if I should wait for halloween later this year.. nothing beets Halloween on Manhattan..
My magic place.. probably the one place on this planet I feel completely at ease.
In the mist of all the madness and craziness that is Manhattan.. I'm completely calm.


Anyways.. Tomorrow is friday.. Let's make it a good one!

"I'm so proud of you"

I'm home sick.. Not homesick.. At home, sick.
It was a hectic and emotional weekend..
Jenn, Madelene and I flew over to the UK for the last two Backstreet Boys Europe dates.
I actually flew over more or less for the opening act..
The Exchange have come to mean a lot to me.
Maybe especially one member of the group who's def been a support and comfort place for me when I've had troubles with my anxiety.
I've still not had to take my meds since first meeting these guys back in march.
They, he.. just keeps me in a happy place where I just don't have a need for my meds.
It's hard to explain anxiety for someone who has never suffered from it personally.
Most people will just tell me to brush it off and get over it... But it's far from that easy.
There's a reason to why ppl take medication for this.
You wouldn't tell someone with Asthma to get over it, would you?
Anyways.. There are no words to explain the gratefulness I have towards Aaron and the other guys.
Aaron for his warm words of support. "I'm so proud of you" can, and does go a LONG way with me.
Especially since I never had that before.. someone to give me a warm hug and tell me they're proud of me for something.. It's a nice feeling and it makes me wanna push even harder.
As of right now.. I'm struggling to find that "happy place" to hold on to,
I've found it helps my anxiety to always have something to look forward too, now.. I have no focus.
too keep my head above water..
I know the boys will announce new dates in Europe to perform.. but until they do... I guess I'm gonna have to try and sit back and relax, and wait for a tweet to slap that smile back on my face.. :)

But as for right now.. I'm gonna keep resting so my cold will go away.
Don't ever forget to show ppl that means something to you, just how grateful you are.
It makes all the difference.

All Saints

At work. Bored out of my mind with nothing to do.. So why not update the blog?
Did NOT get enough sleep last night. So feel like everything is going in slomo at the moment.
Which is good.. tired = no chance for anxiety.

It is today one week til London!! Excited beyond words for this!
THREE big reasons. Exchange, Backstreet boys and All Saints.
All saints is opening for the Backstreet Boys in the UK and I can't wait!
I've been an Saints fan since the late 90's SO glad they're back.
Hope they're doing the old hits, "Never Ever" being my favorite!
As for The Exchange.. No words! I feel like a little school girl with these boys.
Completely stoopified!
I just hope that they will never get "celebrity" get the best of them and that they will stay true to them selves and what they do, as attention on them grows.
I would HATE to see them get big headed and forget what's important in what they do.

Exchanging BSB, Aaron... Carter??

I like nice people.
And I don't mean.. like everyone else likes nice people. I mean i get really excited over nice people.
Is that sad? Kind of, hu?
I just.. I don't know.. I see people treat each other like dirt, so when I come across someone nice.. I get really.. happy? lol
Yea yea.. I never said I was "normal".

I'm in such a weird state of mind this past month.
Going on tour is bitter sweet for me.. do to certain people working with the backstreets.
I keep a low profile around the boys, in respect to this person.
I mean.. yea.. Ya'll know..
"Someone" looks A LOT like his brother and it's hard to be around him.. cause all I see is.. THAT guy.
Whatevs, it is what it is..



Tomorrow it's one week until me and Jenn touch down in London.
I can not wait. And i can't stress that enough!
I really can not wait! No, really.
I'm honestly more excited to get to see The Exchange again than to see my boys.
Love those guys. Raw talent.
Truly appreciate them.
Especially Aaron who's got me lifted from anxiety this past week.
He's been such a sweetheart and i truly truly appreciate him.
It takes so little to snap me out of anxiety if it's from "the right person".





I have two weeks left at my job then it's time to start looking for a new job.
I wanna work with people.. around people and towards people.
An office 9-5 job is NOT my thing.
It's not long until I get to go back home to NY again.
I truly can't wait.. Home! Haven't been back since october 2011 now and that's the longest I've ever been away from my favorite place on earth! It's gonna be fun to introduce the new me to my friends back there. They saw me last when I was 90lbs heavier and a brunette, and broken for that matter.

Well.. I need to try and sleep now before thoughts start spinning.

Grateful.

Gratefulness.

Oh my.. This whole blogging thing has really sadly ended up not being something i prioritize.
But then again.. When i started this blog it was only for me..
A place where I could write down my thoughts and analyze myself and things that was going on in my life at that time.
I then ended up opening it up to the public.
It is still kind of a safe haven for me, a place I want to keep free from negative things.
Like.. This is not a place where I would ever say something negative about anyone who did me wrong or things of that sort. It is simply a place for me to share my life and thoughts with.. well, let's face it.. complete strangers. At least some of you.

I am right now all up in "my happy place".. which is, as you all know.. The backstreet boys.
It has been my happy place since I was 12 years old. My world when everything at home was falling a part. I don't share my childhood stories with that many ppl. Only people I feel completely comfortable with will get me to open up enough for me to share things like that.
I talk allot about me being ACA, Adult Children of Alcoholics.
For those of you who knows what that means, may understand what my childhood was like.. for you who don't. Google it.
I still today struggle with things based on my childhood. I suffer from severe Anxiety for example.
SEVERE. To the point when I sometimes feel that "tomorrow.. I hope I don't have to wake up".
It's an awful feeling.. But it is something I have learned to live with. More or less.
I mean.. I will never fully "LEARN" to live with it.. But accepting it is a step in the right direction.

Lately I have been doing really poorly with my anxiety, really poorly. I went back on my meds and things were pretty much shit.
But then the awaited Backstreet Boys tour came. Me and my partner in crime, Jennifer.. of course booked a couple of shows.
And.. I found, to my surprise that the opening act, this time.. did not make me want to shoot myself.
The opening act is a fantastically talented Vocal Harmony group that goes by the name of "The Exchange Vocal", or The Exchange if you will.
Five super talented guys with the sweetest personalities.
I had the honor to meet this guys a couple of times.. And even got stuck on a train with them for a few hours traveling from Gothenburg to Copenhagen. Long story.. But it was funny.
I really enjoy them and they have kept me busy and distracted since the day I first met them.
They have a fantastic ability to spread happiness around them by just being so genuinely grateful for being where they are right now.. and for enjoying what they do. It really reaches people.
Since I met these guys and saw them perform, they have kept me giddy and excited.
To the point where I have not had take my anxiety meds anymore.
I wonder what it would feel like knowing that you did what they did for me, to someone else.
to know that you are making someone really happy.
I wish these guys nothing but the best and hope that they will enjoy every minute of what they are experiencing right now.
That they are taking it all in.
Cause they truly deserve all the buzz they are stirring up all over Europe right now.
I will get to see these guys again in about a week and a half when me and Jennifer are travelling to London and Manchester to attend the backstreet boys two last shows in Europe before they head back to the US.
This for me.. started out with me going to see the backstreet boys.
But as of right now.. I am going to see The Exchange.. And that is the main excitement for me flying over to the UK, not the Backstreet Boys.. Yes.. I actually put that in print.

I hope you all are doing well out there and that you are reminding yourself of all the ways that you are blessed. If not.. Think about it. It's good to remind yourself every now and then.
It's important to stay grateful.
Some extra love goes out to one of my absolute best friend who are not doing to good at the moment.
I will always have your back and support you, always.. It's ok to fall sometimes.. I will hold you up.

Working 9-5

Hi Lovers!!

Sorry for the, yet again.. MIA.
I've just been busy being happy and alive.. (the later mentioned would be pretty obvious)
Anyways, A lot has been going on since I last updated - I HAVE A FULL TIME JOB NOW!
Uhu, FINALLY.. it only took me a year but after rain there is always, always sunshine and as long as I remember that and keep that in focus, I can pretty much push trough any situation.
Job doesn't may as much as I would like to.. but its still over 3 times the amount of the last place I worked at, so I'm def not complaining.
Plus, one of the perks with this job is a brand new Iphone 5S. Thank you!

Sophia, the most important person in my life has FINALLY arrived in Sweded after almost 9 months of waiting.
I have yet to meet up to her do to work and her school stuff.. But next friday, FINALLY!!
It's "only" been a year and a half.. No biggie...!

Another thing is that, as you all know.. I'm a devoted and loyal Backstreet Boys fan and it is now just about tour time again!
I haven't seen them on tour since 2008 do to moving back and forth between Sweden and the US so this will be EPIC!!
It's gonna be sad and different now that we don't have Q around.. But I'm sure, if anything.. in his honor.. we will have fun!


Gotta get some work done now, Hopefully won't be TOOO long till i write again!

LOVE

Uuuugh!!

You know what annoys me more than probably anything else in the world. Grownups.
And I don't mean the ones that have their shit together.
I mean the arrogant, childish, judgemental ASSHOLES.
SO ANNOYING!!!
Am on my lunch break at work, and I didn't go to lunch with the rest of the gang because, well.. I'm annoyed as fuck and I'm not the type of person that spreads this kind of energy around.
I'll rather just hang out by my self, try and cool off and chill untill lunch is over.
I'm just not having it today.
Am SO ready for this week to be over now so I can sleep during the weekend, start on fresh on monday and then next weekend off to Stockholm.
I CAN NOT WAIT to get some space between me and this city.

So yea, I have been MIA for a while now and it's do to me working again.
Full time job won't leve me much time for blogging.
And even if it did.. I get up between 4-5am so when I get home from work.. The LAST thing I feel like doing is getting on here and telling ya'll how my day was.
Sorry.. I'm just WAY to tired for that.

Anyways, I'm gonna just, not.. cause I don't use this blog for negativity.. But we all have our days.

Ciao!

Gratefulness

It's raining outside.
It's beginning of January and It's raining.. Sweden is practically north pole, It should be about -20F (-20-25C). Something is seriously wrong with the climate.
Tho I hear North Western states in the US are in what they're calling a "polar vortex".
How do they have colder weather than we do?? Madness!

In other news, I signed the contract for my new job today.
Felt REAL good. I will be making about 5 times the money from what I do now.
MUCH needed money.
It will be very needed for my New York trip in may.
I can't wait to start work tomorrow.
This new year have been good to me so far. I'm really truly looking forward to all fun stuff that will be 2014. Looking to make AT LEAST two trips to the US, first East coast then East & West coast.
Gonna cram in FL on one of those trips also, I REALLY miss my FL family. Can not believe it's been 15 years!

Later today one of my BEST friends in the world, Elin is coming over for some quality time.
We usually try to see each other ones every week, but do to the holidays and everything I haven't seen her in almost a month now, which is NOT something I'm happy about.
Elin is one of those wonderful people that has a heart made of gold.
I've NEVER heard her say a bad word about anyone and she is SO important to me.
She keeps me strong and motivated on where I need to be and whom I need to be and I am eternally grateful to have her in my life. Truly.

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