Monday!
Just took a two hr walk back and forth to town.
It's a beautiful spring day out.
Tomorrow it's back to work again. Can't say I'm too exciter about it.
We have a Sales education in the AM and after that, we have finals.
I'm a little anxious about the final exam. I've never been a school kind of girl.
I don't learn by sitting down and listening. I learn by watching, then mimicking,
Hopefully I'll do OK.
.
stat
Monday, April 6, 2015
Friday, April 3, 2015
Open wounds
There's a lot on my mind tonight,
I was cleaning my apartment and well.. found a bunch of old notes, pictures and things that relate back to when me and Johan used to me really close.
It's so weird to think about it really.. Just a few months ago, it was him and I against the world.
He was my person.. my BFF and more!
He kept me safe and had me smiling when all I wanted to do was cry.
There was not a second he didn't make sure I was ok.
If we didn't work the same shift one day, he would sit with me for a while, make sure I was ok, then he'd leave, but every so often, I'd check my phone after he had left, and there would be a sweet encouraging message from him.
- "No matter what day it is, No matter how you're feeling, No matter how I'm feeling, You will always have my support."
That was just a few months ago. Now.. We're like strangers.
There's nothing there anymore, and it makes me sad.
I don't think about it anymore on a daily basis.. But when I find things, notes, letter from him or pictures of us two together.. My mind can't help but to remember.
People still ask me about him, and how our relationship is nowadays.
And I hate answering that question, cause I know that after I tell people we don't really talk anymore.. There's always the follow-up-questions..
And I honestly don't know how to answer them, cause I have no idea what went wrong..
No matter the situation tho.. This guy will ALWAYS have my support, loyalty and love, cause I will always be grateful to him for being there for me.
I was cleaning my apartment and well.. found a bunch of old notes, pictures and things that relate back to when me and Johan used to me really close.
It's so weird to think about it really.. Just a few months ago, it was him and I against the world.
He was my person.. my BFF and more!
He kept me safe and had me smiling when all I wanted to do was cry.
There was not a second he didn't make sure I was ok.
If we didn't work the same shift one day, he would sit with me for a while, make sure I was ok, then he'd leave, but every so often, I'd check my phone after he had left, and there would be a sweet encouraging message from him.
- "No matter what day it is, No matter how you're feeling, No matter how I'm feeling, You will always have my support."
That was just a few months ago. Now.. We're like strangers.
There's nothing there anymore, and it makes me sad.
I don't think about it anymore on a daily basis.. But when I find things, notes, letter from him or pictures of us two together.. My mind can't help but to remember.
People still ask me about him, and how our relationship is nowadays.
And I hate answering that question, cause I know that after I tell people we don't really talk anymore.. There's always the follow-up-questions..
And I honestly don't know how to answer them, cause I have no idea what went wrong..
No matter the situation tho.. This guy will ALWAYS have my support, loyalty and love, cause I will always be grateful to him for being there for me.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Friendship
It's been a week.
Things have been a little bit of a roller coaster. Not that that's unusual, but still.
I'm doing ok with the medical things at the moment. Well.. "ok".. I can't feel my left leg, waist down there's no sense in it which is pretty uncomfortable. But no PAIN right now.
I've had a good day at work today. I'm major crushing on all my co workers, as friends of course.. But it's that butterfly feeling in my tummy when I'm around them.
I truly do love these crazy people, they make me laugh hysterically ever day.
I'm enjoying laughing and being on speaking terms with Johan again.
He's been good with me these past two weeks and it's making me remember the good times we've had.
I adore that guy no matter what our situation and relationship is.
He kept me safe and smiling through one of the hardest times in my life, and I will ALWAYS remember that. Just.. Those warm, kind brown eyes get's me every time.. They make me feel SO comfortable and I forget that any day, at any time.. he can stop talking to me again.
And even tho I KNOW this.. It still hurts every time.
People may not get us, hell, I don't get us half the time either.. But.. Maybe I just have to accept that this, is us now, and I'm just gonna have to take the bad with the good.
No matter what.. He's my friend and I love him.
Me and a few friends are planing a trip beginning of June.
I can't say much about it yet cause kind of want it to be a surprise.
But it is within Sweden and it's gonna be EPIC!
For now, stay good!
Things have been a little bit of a roller coaster. Not that that's unusual, but still.
I'm doing ok with the medical things at the moment. Well.. "ok".. I can't feel my left leg, waist down there's no sense in it which is pretty uncomfortable. But no PAIN right now.
I've had a good day at work today. I'm major crushing on all my co workers, as friends of course.. But it's that butterfly feeling in my tummy when I'm around them.
I truly do love these crazy people, they make me laugh hysterically ever day.
I'm enjoying laughing and being on speaking terms with Johan again.
He's been good with me these past two weeks and it's making me remember the good times we've had.
I adore that guy no matter what our situation and relationship is.
He kept me safe and smiling through one of the hardest times in my life, and I will ALWAYS remember that. Just.. Those warm, kind brown eyes get's me every time.. They make me feel SO comfortable and I forget that any day, at any time.. he can stop talking to me again.
And even tho I KNOW this.. It still hurts every time.
People may not get us, hell, I don't get us half the time either.. But.. Maybe I just have to accept that this, is us now, and I'm just gonna have to take the bad with the good.
No matter what.. He's my friend and I love him.
Me and a few friends are planing a trip beginning of June.
I can't say much about it yet cause kind of want it to be a surprise.
But it is within Sweden and it's gonna be EPIC!
For now, stay good!
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Validation
Just got off the phone with my good friend Anna.
She called just to catch up and the regular girl talk.
While I was in Örebro this weekend we met up for a quick hello, as she also was in town visiting from Stockholm.
She brought up meeting up with me while I was with Jasmi and the magic boy.
She then says out of nowhere.. "I don't know what it was with that guy.. But just being around him, made me calm." I grasped for air as I said responded with a: "YES!!!"
That is EXACTLY the effect he has on me.. I just feel.. safe and relaxed around him.
She continues to say; "You're usually not that chill and I noticed that right away that you seamed so, calm."
And I was.. I don't think I've ever been so relaxed around a boy.
There's just.. something about this one, and the fact that she also felt it.. just validates my feeling even more.
Anna has also been around me and little Johan while him and I hung out, we don't any more, but there was a time when we were really close. She said, "Sure, you and J had chemistry and you had fun together, but this was different."
And it's true.. I had fun with J, but.. That's not what I need.
I need safe. Secure and someone who can keep me calm. Without even really trying.
I'm not saying that it has to be THIS guy, I'm just saying.. I know now what I want and need.
And it's not a little boy. It's a MAN. It's someone who knows who they are, where they're going and what the want out of life.
But like I said in a previous entry, THIS guy.. and no, no names mentioned.. THIS guy.. I hope I get to keep in my life, no matter what the situation.
- He's THAT good.
xoxo
She called just to catch up and the regular girl talk.
While I was in Örebro this weekend we met up for a quick hello, as she also was in town visiting from Stockholm.
She brought up meeting up with me while I was with Jasmi and the magic boy.
She then says out of nowhere.. "I don't know what it was with that guy.. But just being around him, made me calm." I grasped for air as I said responded with a: "YES!!!"
That is EXACTLY the effect he has on me.. I just feel.. safe and relaxed around him.
She continues to say; "You're usually not that chill and I noticed that right away that you seamed so, calm."
And I was.. I don't think I've ever been so relaxed around a boy.
There's just.. something about this one, and the fact that she also felt it.. just validates my feeling even more.
Anna has also been around me and little Johan while him and I hung out, we don't any more, but there was a time when we were really close. She said, "Sure, you and J had chemistry and you had fun together, but this was different."
And it's true.. I had fun with J, but.. That's not what I need.
I need safe. Secure and someone who can keep me calm. Without even really trying.
I'm not saying that it has to be THIS guy, I'm just saying.. I know now what I want and need.
And it's not a little boy. It's a MAN. It's someone who knows who they are, where they're going and what the want out of life.
But like I said in a previous entry, THIS guy.. and no, no names mentioned.. THIS guy.. I hope I get to keep in my life, no matter what the situation.
- He's THAT good.
xoxo
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
I am capable.
Yesterday was rough.
It doesn't matter how well I know that my anxiety is temporary, that "tomorrow is a new day".
When I'm all up in it, It's too dark to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This isn't something new to me.. I've been dealing with this for years.
The crappy part about it is that it doesn't ever get any easier.
You just gotta roll with it, take it all in to make it end quicker.
It truly sucks when I start letting my guard down for someone, and I end up disappointed.. I get bitter.
And bitter, is not a good look on anyone. And I HATE bitter.. I'm not a bitter person so when I get like this.. I don't know myself and that causes even more anxiety.
And that.. Is what you call an endless circle.
Regardless of this.. I am grateful. Grateful to have had someone show me that I am in fact capable of letting someone in. Capable of trusting someone again.
Don't ever let anyone who makes you happy, walk out of your life.
xo
It doesn't matter how well I know that my anxiety is temporary, that "tomorrow is a new day".
When I'm all up in it, It's too dark to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This isn't something new to me.. I've been dealing with this for years.
The crappy part about it is that it doesn't ever get any easier.
You just gotta roll with it, take it all in to make it end quicker.
It truly sucks when I start letting my guard down for someone, and I end up disappointed.. I get bitter.
And bitter, is not a good look on anyone. And I HATE bitter.. I'm not a bitter person so when I get like this.. I don't know myself and that causes even more anxiety.
And that.. Is what you call an endless circle.
Regardless of this.. I am grateful. Grateful to have had someone show me that I am in fact capable of letting someone in. Capable of trusting someone again.
Don't ever let anyone who makes you happy, walk out of your life.
xo
Monday, March 2, 2015
You are not alone
For anyone with a broken childhood struggling thinking that you're alone.
You are not.
I hate it
I hate it that I'm broken.
I hate it that I have all these issues caused by my childhood.
I hate it that every time I feel even a little relaxed with a situation, I end up disappointed.
I hate it that I'm so complicated that no one ever sticks around.
I hate it that I just.. Never can catch a break.
I hate the fact that there are books written about me, about people like me.
I hate it that I get way to attached to people that show me kindness.
I hate it when people say they understand. You DON'T understand unless you've been through it.
I hate it that I feel SO alone in all this. I am strong.. But sometimes even I fall apart.
I hate hating things...
The most beautiful thing.
It's been a hectic couple of weeks.
Trying to balance work, myself as well as my friends well being.
As always I put my own health aside to be there for everyone I hold dear.
If they, my friends are not doing well, it won't matter how I'm doing, cause I won't be happy.
I'm not happy at work either, it feels like I'm just.. stuck. Like almost in a hamster wheel.
I'm more than ready to move on. I love working, I'm a workaholic but I also wanna feel like what I'm doing is appreciated and that It's meaningful. But I don't.. So I gotta stay true to myself and more on.
To narrow this entry down a little, I'll focus on this weekend.
It's been rather hectic.
Friday the annual After Work with the coworkers. It always gets a lil crazy but always so much fun.
Little Adrian has a boob crush on me... apparently. Cause he can't stop looking at them. "Can I touch them".... NO! You may not. Babe, you need a girlfriend. lol
I was home way before midnight, which was needed as I had to get up at 6am the next morning to attend my little sisters wedding back in Västerås.
I was one of her 3 bridesmaids so needed to not look like.. "The day after". Which I didn't, thankfully.
I was really anxious and nervous about this wedding as I knew my brother, with whom I don't really have a relationship with at the moment, was gonna be there along with his girlfriend and their newborn baby, I have waited, wondered and worried about if I was ever gonna get to meet this little baby. Not being on good terms with my brother is painful, as he, no matter what will always be one of the most important people in my life, that will never change.. so to not have gotten to meet his little boy.. have been hard. But I FINALLY got to meet him and hold him.
I can with a straight face say that it was pure bliss.. The second he was placed in my arms, I just broke.. Couldn't stop crying. Happy tears of course. But oh my goodness.. That baby is the most beautiful little boy I've ever seen.. Ever. I'm SO grateful to have met him and I REALLY hope it wasn't the last time.
After the wedding I was off to Örebro to hang out with Jasmi, but to also meet up with this wonderful boy I've been talking to.
Sometimes I surprise myself, or.. rather.. people surprise me.
I have a HARD time trusting people, letting people in and feeling that sense of.. security.
For someone to get me to that point where I feel, calm and relaxed around a boy. It just.. doesn't happen.
But honestly... This one.. There's just something different..
He's just genuine and good hearted. I'm not used to that.
And I think it's only really happened ones before, and that took over a year.
Also, it really doesn't hurt the fact that he's Oh-So-Dreamy.. Perfection if you will.
No matter what happens, I really hope I get to keep this one in my life.
I do need people like him in my around me, cause he strengthens me.
I'm grateful no matter what.
Right now I'm at home sick, but hoping to be back in action soon.
How are all of you doing?
Did y'all have a good weekend?
xoxo
Trying to balance work, myself as well as my friends well being.
As always I put my own health aside to be there for everyone I hold dear.
If they, my friends are not doing well, it won't matter how I'm doing, cause I won't be happy.
I'm not happy at work either, it feels like I'm just.. stuck. Like almost in a hamster wheel.
I'm more than ready to move on. I love working, I'm a workaholic but I also wanna feel like what I'm doing is appreciated and that It's meaningful. But I don't.. So I gotta stay true to myself and more on.
To narrow this entry down a little, I'll focus on this weekend.
It's been rather hectic.
Friday the annual After Work with the coworkers. It always gets a lil crazy but always so much fun.
Little Adrian has a boob crush on me... apparently. Cause he can't stop looking at them. "Can I touch them".... NO! You may not. Babe, you need a girlfriend. lol
I was home way before midnight, which was needed as I had to get up at 6am the next morning to attend my little sisters wedding back in Västerås.
I was one of her 3 bridesmaids so needed to not look like.. "The day after". Which I didn't, thankfully.
I was really anxious and nervous about this wedding as I knew my brother, with whom I don't really have a relationship with at the moment, was gonna be there along with his girlfriend and their newborn baby, I have waited, wondered and worried about if I was ever gonna get to meet this little baby. Not being on good terms with my brother is painful, as he, no matter what will always be one of the most important people in my life, that will never change.. so to not have gotten to meet his little boy.. have been hard. But I FINALLY got to meet him and hold him.
I can with a straight face say that it was pure bliss.. The second he was placed in my arms, I just broke.. Couldn't stop crying. Happy tears of course. But oh my goodness.. That baby is the most beautiful little boy I've ever seen.. Ever. I'm SO grateful to have met him and I REALLY hope it wasn't the last time.
After the wedding I was off to Örebro to hang out with Jasmi, but to also meet up with this wonderful boy I've been talking to.
Sometimes I surprise myself, or.. rather.. people surprise me.
I have a HARD time trusting people, letting people in and feeling that sense of.. security.
For someone to get me to that point where I feel, calm and relaxed around a boy. It just.. doesn't happen.
But honestly... This one.. There's just something different..
He's just genuine and good hearted. I'm not used to that.
And I think it's only really happened ones before, and that took over a year.
Also, it really doesn't hurt the fact that he's Oh-So-Dreamy.. Perfection if you will.
No matter what happens, I really hope I get to keep this one in my life.
I do need people like him in my around me, cause he strengthens me.
I'm grateful no matter what.
Right now I'm at home sick, but hoping to be back in action soon.
How are all of you doing?
Did y'all have a good weekend?
xoxo
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
It's a good thing!
Things are good. Really good.
I can FINALLY see a light at the end of this long dark tunnel and I'm slowly but surely starting to relax. I know that usually is a BAD idea, but honestly, if I don't get to rest now.. I'm done.
It's been a LONG and steep uphill battle and I honestly just need a break.
People at work even noticed my happy state of mind.
I've been smiley and giddy all day.
It also brings me happiness to see that things are looking up for my friends.
My beautiful friend Hannah who today found out she got her dream job.
She's SO deserving of this.
She has had to put up with WAY more shit that she deserves at this place.
So she'll be working her last day at Transcom this Saturday, I'll miss her terribly but soon I'll be ending my time at Transcom to.
It's been a good run, but things have changed so drastically between me and my favorite person on this planet, so instead of giving me strength, it's breaking me down.
And I don¨t wanna stay at a place like that.
Hope you all are good!
I can FINALLY see a light at the end of this long dark tunnel and I'm slowly but surely starting to relax. I know that usually is a BAD idea, but honestly, if I don't get to rest now.. I'm done.
It's been a LONG and steep uphill battle and I honestly just need a break.
People at work even noticed my happy state of mind.
I've been smiley and giddy all day.
It also brings me happiness to see that things are looking up for my friends.
My beautiful friend Hannah who today found out she got her dream job.
She's SO deserving of this.
She has had to put up with WAY more shit that she deserves at this place.
So she'll be working her last day at Transcom this Saturday, I'll miss her terribly but soon I'll be ending my time at Transcom to.
It's been a good run, but things have changed so drastically between me and my favorite person on this planet, so instead of giving me strength, it's breaking me down.
And I don¨t wanna stay at a place like that.
Hope you all are good!
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
#ExchangeEURO2015
It's been a good day.
Got to leave work early do to lack of things to do, texted my sister to see if she was up for some company, which she was, so I headed over to her place.
Got to catch up some and hang out a little with my baby niece.
Had dinner with them all before heading home to do some more PR for my guys.
I love doing little things for them, even if they don't ask me I try and take every opportunity presented to try and help my friends. They're SO deserving of every good thing coming their way and I wanna do everything I can to help them get to where they want and need to be.
Am talking a little with one of the big names in music production to see if he has any interest in working with the guys.. Am VERY nervous about that one!
If this one goes well... It will mean big things for The Exchange!
Sooo... Keep your fingers crossed people.
Right now on twitter, the European Exchangers are lovebombing the guys, wishing them good luck on tour and asking them to come back to Europe soon.
I'm sure they will have America falling in love with them in no time.
How could they not. There guys are magic.
They just better not forget about us over here in Europe!
Anyways, It's 8.30 and I have to be up at 4, so time to unwind, watch a movie and get some sleep.
Hope you all are doing well.
And shout out to Angela for her sweet message today on instagram.
It totally made my day!
Got to leave work early do to lack of things to do, texted my sister to see if she was up for some company, which she was, so I headed over to her place.
Got to catch up some and hang out a little with my baby niece.
Had dinner with them all before heading home to do some more PR for my guys.
I love doing little things for them, even if they don't ask me I try and take every opportunity presented to try and help my friends. They're SO deserving of every good thing coming their way and I wanna do everything I can to help them get to where they want and need to be.
Am talking a little with one of the big names in music production to see if he has any interest in working with the guys.. Am VERY nervous about that one!
If this one goes well... It will mean big things for The Exchange!
Sooo... Keep your fingers crossed people.
Right now on twitter, the European Exchangers are lovebombing the guys, wishing them good luck on tour and asking them to come back to Europe soon.
I'm sure they will have America falling in love with them in no time.
How could they not. There guys are magic.
They just better not forget about us over here in Europe!
Anyways, It's 8.30 and I have to be up at 4, so time to unwind, watch a movie and get some sleep.
Hope you all are doing well.
And shout out to Angela for her sweet message today on instagram.
It totally made my day!
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Toxic
I've changed my facebook, made a completely new one. I've also made a new blog.
That's why I haven't written anything on here for a while.
I'm just fed up and in need of a cleansing. Need to cut all out the drama in my life.
Thing is.. I just NOW realized who and what is causing drama in my life.
It's partly me, of course. How? I'm a very direct person, most Swedes can't deal with that.
If I have a problem with you I will confront you.
I am loud, and I take up space. That is also not acceptable in Swedish culture. It's true, google it.
Google "Law of Jante".
Anyways.. It's also this one person. Straight up toxic. I don't need that kind of poison in my life.
I can't believe I didn't see it earlier, and the fact that I was warned about them.. I kinda have my self to blame.. I just.. Thought more of this person i suppose.
I'm PISSSSSED!!
That's why I haven't written anything on here for a while.
I'm just fed up and in need of a cleansing. Need to cut all out the drama in my life.
Thing is.. I just NOW realized who and what is causing drama in my life.
It's partly me, of course. How? I'm a very direct person, most Swedes can't deal with that.
If I have a problem with you I will confront you.
I am loud, and I take up space. That is also not acceptable in Swedish culture. It's true, google it.
Google "Law of Jante".
Anyways.. It's also this one person. Straight up toxic. I don't need that kind of poison in my life.
I can't believe I didn't see it earlier, and the fact that I was warned about them.. I kinda have my self to blame.. I just.. Thought more of this person i suppose.
I'm PISSSSSED!!
Saturday, February 7, 2015
I am no better than you.
Hey all!
So, I'm gonna use this entry to set some things straight.
As far as The Exchange go, I along with a few little helpers, run the fan group "Exchange Europe".
I am not down to "compete" with any other support group.
I am not doing this for recognition, I am doing this for the boys. So I really don't see the point in why anyone would try and compete with us..? This is not a competition.
The boys loves us all equally.
Also, as far as www.ExchangersUnited.com goes, Tess contacted me and asked me if I wanted to help her with this idea she had, the idea coming to be this website.
How WE divide work, tasks and who does what regarding that site, is OUR business and not for anyone else to be bothered with.
I do not "take credit" for anything that I should not be taking credit for.
So please stop with the accusations, bashing and hate.
I am here for my friends, The Exchange, to help, support and promote them. As a FAN, not as anything "higher" than anyone else. What YOU see me as, I can not help, but as far as anything else goes, I am nothing more than a supporter.
I welcome anyone who wants to help with anything regarding Exchange Europe or whatever other project I may be involved with.
I hope this helps clear things up.
XO
So, I'm gonna use this entry to set some things straight.
As far as The Exchange go, I along with a few little helpers, run the fan group "Exchange Europe".
I am not down to "compete" with any other support group.
I am not doing this for recognition, I am doing this for the boys. So I really don't see the point in why anyone would try and compete with us..? This is not a competition.
The boys loves us all equally.
Also, as far as www.ExchangersUnited.com goes, Tess contacted me and asked me if I wanted to help her with this idea she had, the idea coming to be this website.
How WE divide work, tasks and who does what regarding that site, is OUR business and not for anyone else to be bothered with.
I do not "take credit" for anything that I should not be taking credit for.
So please stop with the accusations, bashing and hate.
I am here for my friends, The Exchange, to help, support and promote them. As a FAN, not as anything "higher" than anyone else. What YOU see me as, I can not help, but as far as anything else goes, I am nothing more than a supporter.
I welcome anyone who wants to help with anything regarding Exchange Europe or whatever other project I may be involved with.
I hope this helps clear things up.
XO
Friday, January 30, 2015
Moomin!
It's been a GOOD week,
a few bumps, but nothing I haven't been able to handle.
I'm major crushing on all my friends right now and I'm just SOOOO thankful that they are MY friends.. mine! How did I get so lucky?
I'm loving little Felicia and the fantastic strong person that she is!
And my friendship with little J is better than it's been in months.
My sister asked me to be her bridesmaid at her wedding next months.
Naturally my answer was, "WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG TO ASK!!!... But Yes!"
I'm just... Thankful!
Tomorrow my moomin is coming to town for a visit!
We try to meet up every few months or so, It's always a laugh when I'm with her and I'm truly happy we've stayed in touch,
Moomin, or.. Jasmi and I were Au Pairs in the US at the same time.
We were 2 out of 6 Swedes who were flew over at the same time.
Anyways, after I meet up with Mooms tomorrow I'm going out with my childhood friend and party pal, Daniela. This girl is HILARIOUS! There's just no one like her. Anywhere.
Well, I gotta get some sleep now. Packed day tomorrow.
xoxo
a few bumps, but nothing I haven't been able to handle.
I'm major crushing on all my friends right now and I'm just SOOOO thankful that they are MY friends.. mine! How did I get so lucky?
I'm loving little Felicia and the fantastic strong person that she is!
And my friendship with little J is better than it's been in months.
My sister asked me to be her bridesmaid at her wedding next months.
Naturally my answer was, "WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG TO ASK!!!... But Yes!"
I'm just... Thankful!
Tomorrow my moomin is coming to town for a visit!
We try to meet up every few months or so, It's always a laugh when I'm with her and I'm truly happy we've stayed in touch,
Moomin, or.. Jasmi and I were Au Pairs in the US at the same time.
We were 2 out of 6 Swedes who were flew over at the same time.
Anyways, after I meet up with Mooms tomorrow I'm going out with my childhood friend and party pal, Daniela. This girl is HILARIOUS! There's just no one like her. Anywhere.
Well, I gotta get some sleep now. Packed day tomorrow.
xoxo
Thursday, January 29, 2015
High school BS
Someone made me question myself today. I don't appreciate that..
Someone made me actually question myself if I'm actually a good person or not.
I AM a good person, I'm human, i make mistakes, sure. But I AM a good person.
I confront people. I don't take shit.
When I hear that someone has said something about me in a negative manner, I ask if and why they did that.
This cause I don't want things to grow and become a huge thing so I'll rather just crush any drama before it becomes, drama.
This, is not ok in Sweden.. You don't confront people here. You just roll over and play dead.
If someone is throwing shit at you, you stay put, smile and ask for more.
I don't roll like that. Never did never will.
So when someone asks me to just.. live with the fact that people talk about me.
- How about no?
I will stand up for myself. I will confront.
If people don't like it, don't talk about me.
And don't, do NOT put words in my mouth. I will stand for everything I say about people, I don't need anyone to talk for me or tell anyone anything that I didn't say.
What is this? High school? COME ON!!
Good night.
Someone made me actually question myself if I'm actually a good person or not.
I AM a good person, I'm human, i make mistakes, sure. But I AM a good person.
I confront people. I don't take shit.
When I hear that someone has said something about me in a negative manner, I ask if and why they did that.
This cause I don't want things to grow and become a huge thing so I'll rather just crush any drama before it becomes, drama.
This, is not ok in Sweden.. You don't confront people here. You just roll over and play dead.
If someone is throwing shit at you, you stay put, smile and ask for more.
I don't roll like that. Never did never will.
So when someone asks me to just.. live with the fact that people talk about me.
- How about no?
I will stand up for myself. I will confront.
If people don't like it, don't talk about me.
And don't, do NOT put words in my mouth. I will stand for everything I say about people, I don't need anyone to talk for me or tell anyone anything that I didn't say.
What is this? High school? COME ON!!
Good night.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Di Caprio
It's not about how many times you fall apart. It's about how many times you put yourself back together again.
I've done it, time and time again. This time tho is some what different from the other times.. I don't know how and why. Maybe it's not for me to understand? I don't know.
Today has been a good day. I'm slowly but surely finding my way back to that sense of security again. He's showing me kindness and compassion and I'm taking it in, All of it.
I don't know what's going through his mind from day to day, but I'm trying to just take one day at a time and see where it takes me. I'm just grateful in the moment to have him there next to me.
Love him to death!
I've been applying for a new job, I'm REALLY wanting to go back to my old company, TeliaSonera.
It's the best employer I've ever had, I applied for two jobs with them today. Keep your fingers crossed! I REALLY want this one!
I'm gonna make an attempt to watch "The Great Gatsby" now, I've tried 2 times earlier but fallen asleep within the first 20 min. I absolutely LOVE everything Leonardo Di Caprio, but I'm embarrassingly tired when I get home from work.
Anyways.. Keep your fingers crossed for me regarding the job, and send me some positive thoughts!
xoxo
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Seasons
Listen honey, to every word I say
I know that you don't trust me
But I'm better than the stories about me
Everybody messes up someday
Ain't got no rhyme or reason
All I know is that I'm yours, yours, yours with every season.
Västerås
I'm home.
Back home in Västerås. It feels like it's been forever since I got to spend some time in my own apartment.
Altho It's been good for me to be in the company of my dear friend Hannah for two months.. It's time to get back to reality and my own routines. I need to get back in to training and eating healthy.
My baby sister is getting married in a month so will be fun to be near her and help her out any way I can with planing and organizing.
I've been starting to crave change. I've always been on the run, for the major part of my life.
Everytime I'm doing really poorly mentally, I tend to pick up and move, from this country.
I'm trying really hard to NOT do that this time,. From experience that never helps on a long term. It's just a temporary solution.
Instead I'm looking for more, "Right now" change. Like maybe.. Switching jobs, reconnecting with old friends, working on myself and my trauma. Things that will provide a more, healthy change. You know?
I don't know why I've been doing so poorly lately, I can't pinpoint one specific situation.
I think, THINK it's the lack of security and stability I've been feeling lately.
The need for someone to just, look at me and give me that sense of.. "Everything is ok, you got this".
That and the whole Jordan thing being brought up again. I'm trying HARD to not let that push me down. It's hard tho.. Cause.. It's Jordan.. and well.. You all know..
Also got a haircut.. Again, the need for change ;)
But really tho. It was quite the makeover! To go from really long hair, to REALLY short hair. New color and everything. I'm really happy with it. I'm always happy and content with anything my dear friend and hairdresser, Mathilda does with my hair. She's magic!
Untill next time.
xoxo
Back home in Västerås. It feels like it's been forever since I got to spend some time in my own apartment.
Altho It's been good for me to be in the company of my dear friend Hannah for two months.. It's time to get back to reality and my own routines. I need to get back in to training and eating healthy.
My baby sister is getting married in a month so will be fun to be near her and help her out any way I can with planing and organizing.
I've been starting to crave change. I've always been on the run, for the major part of my life.
Everytime I'm doing really poorly mentally, I tend to pick up and move, from this country.
I'm trying really hard to NOT do that this time,. From experience that never helps on a long term. It's just a temporary solution.
Instead I'm looking for more, "Right now" change. Like maybe.. Switching jobs, reconnecting with old friends, working on myself and my trauma. Things that will provide a more, healthy change. You know?
I don't know why I've been doing so poorly lately, I can't pinpoint one specific situation.
I think, THINK it's the lack of security and stability I've been feeling lately.
The need for someone to just, look at me and give me that sense of.. "Everything is ok, you got this".
That and the whole Jordan thing being brought up again. I'm trying HARD to not let that push me down. It's hard tho.. Cause.. It's Jordan.. and well.. You all know..
Also got a haircut.. Again, the need for change ;)
But really tho. It was quite the makeover! To go from really long hair, to REALLY short hair. New color and everything. I'm really happy with it. I'm always happy and content with anything my dear friend and hairdresser, Mathilda does with my hair. She's magic!
Untill next time.
xoxo
Thursday, January 22, 2015
I'm stayingin my spot!
Thursday.
I felt a little stronger this morning but then I get to work and am forced to sit next to him. Like everyday.
I choose to stay in my spot even tho we're not taking anymore.
I stay because I don't want to deal with the questions as to why I'm NOT next to him. I stay in my spot cause.. despite him ignoring me to the point where in actually staying to doubt my own existence, he still means the absolut world to me and he still gives me a sense of security. That's why I stay.
Things got instantly brighter the second my little waffle, Felicia walked in to work. She's my little star! I see myself in her. She's just like me, the way I was three years ago.
This girl has all the potential in the world to be and go wherever she wants. All she needs is a little guidance, something I'm trying to give her. Sucks that she's moving in a few months.
Other than that. I'm going home for a few hours tomorrow. Have an appointment with Mathilda. My friend and hairdresser. I'm in desperate need of a makeover and I trust her blindly to deal with this mop they call hair!
After that it's back to Eskilstuna for some After Work with the colleagues.
I'm not sure I'll stick around all night tho.. It all depends if HE will be there and how he treats me. Time will tell.
Time to sleep now. Long busy day tomorrow.
P.s. check out Felicias blog and what she wrote about me. ♡
Felicias blog
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
This Too Shall Pass...
Not again I scream
Over-analyzing everything
The circle of us
Won't break it's pattern
Won't seize cause
I am your stubborn hypocritical lover
Guarded by thorns of my past
You have been wounded, bled out
Anger gushing
And none of us thought it would last
The winds of your ego
The waves of my tears
Made the most perfect almighty storm
That we've seen this year
But experience gathered
We've learned from our past
So don't worry darling
This too shall pass
Soul-bruising, I look at you
Accusingly cause I am black and blue
Emotional fist
You are the only man who makes me feel like this
I am your weakness, I am your protector
But who will protect you from me?
The damage is obvious, patch me together
Loosen your grip boy, I can't breathe
The winds of your ego
The waves of my tears
Made the most perfect almighty storm
That we've seen this year
But experience gathered
We've learned from our past
So don't worry darling
This too shall pass
Over-analyzing everything
The circle of us
Won't break it's pattern
Won't seize cause
I am your stubborn hypocritical lover
Guarded by thorns of my past
You have been wounded, bled out
Anger gushing
And none of us thought it would last
The winds of your ego
The waves of my tears
Made the most perfect almighty storm
That we've seen this year
But experience gathered
We've learned from our past
So don't worry darling
This too shall pass
Soul-bruising, I look at you
Accusingly cause I am black and blue
Emotional fist
You are the only man who makes me feel like this
I am your weakness, I am your protector
But who will protect you from me?
The damage is obvious, patch me together
Loosen your grip boy, I can't breathe
The winds of your ego
The waves of my tears
Made the most perfect almighty storm
That we've seen this year
But experience gathered
We've learned from our past
So don't worry darling
This too shall pass
Emotional
It's been an EMOTIONAL two days.
The kind of emotional when you really doubt you'll be ok in the end.. I'm still questioning it.
I don't handle abandonment well. At all.
It's the deepest form of pain for me.. To be left behind.
To have someone willingly turn their back on me.. It cuts deep. Very deep.
I've lost someone whom I held CLOSE to my heart.. Not even close, but IN my heart.
The kind of person who you feel so comfortable with, trust so deeply and care so much about that they become a part of your heart.. I've lost that person.
And the hardest thing about it.. they left without explanation.
It leaves me questioning myself..
To go from someone who was introduced as their best female friend, to someone who doesn't even exist in their world.
The pain.. it becomes more than a mental state of mind..
I feel it on every level of my existence.
Abandonment..
I have to heal my heart and accept the fact that they have left me.
Things like this always takes me forever.. But I've done it before, and I'll do it again.
I just hope this doesn't scare me off from opening up and trusting people in the future.
Despite all this, and no matter what happens.. I will never have a bad word to say about you.
When someone asks about you I will simply smile and be grateful for the friendship that you showed me and for the unbelievable kind person that you are.
Never doubt that. Ever.
Thank You
The kind of emotional when you really doubt you'll be ok in the end.. I'm still questioning it.
I don't handle abandonment well. At all.
It's the deepest form of pain for me.. To be left behind.
To have someone willingly turn their back on me.. It cuts deep. Very deep.
I've lost someone whom I held CLOSE to my heart.. Not even close, but IN my heart.
The kind of person who you feel so comfortable with, trust so deeply and care so much about that they become a part of your heart.. I've lost that person.
And the hardest thing about it.. they left without explanation.
It leaves me questioning myself..
To go from someone who was introduced as their best female friend, to someone who doesn't even exist in their world.
The pain.. it becomes more than a mental state of mind..
I feel it on every level of my existence.
Abandonment..
I have to heal my heart and accept the fact that they have left me.
Things like this always takes me forever.. But I've done it before, and I'll do it again.
I just hope this doesn't scare me off from opening up and trusting people in the future.
Despite all this, and no matter what happens.. I will never have a bad word to say about you.
When someone asks about you I will simply smile and be grateful for the friendship that you showed me and for the unbelievable kind person that you are.
Never doubt that. Ever.
Thank You
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