Cockatoodeldoo!

 

 

 

 

Heartfelt

I don't think there is a bigger compliment in life to give someone, than to trust them with your children. At least not to me.
It brings me so much joy to be trusted with someone's child.
I babysit a lot for my friend's kids. I think it's a give and take kind of situation.
I don't just do it for my friends. I do it cause I love it and I think my friends asks me a lot also, cause they know that I love it.
I mean, I can only base this on me.
If it was MY kids, I would rather trust them with someone whom I know love kids, than to someone who would do it just for me as a favor.
Tonight I watched Doris kids for two hrs while she jetted off to IKEA.
Her kids.. They're my little stars.
The twins are always a joy to be around, and then there is little Alvin.
I have a special bond with him. I got to be there from day one with him where I missed out on over one year with the twins, living in the US.
I love the three of them! They're gorgeous and well-behaved.

I spent the afternoon with Mathilda today.
Mathilda is like a little sister to me. I got to know her while she was dating my little brother.
Now her and my brother are broken up since years back, but her and I are still close.
She means a lot to me. I just feel.. At home when I'm around her.
She's good people.

Tomorrow I have another interview for a job. I don't know much about this job so I can't say much about it. But either way.. I REALLY want a job so of course I hope I'll get it.

On a different note.. I have to express my deepest sympathy and condolences to the people affected in the tragic events that are going on in Boston today.
I hope and pray that something drastic will be done in America to sort out things like this.
To many school shootings and public shootings in general really.
How many more mass murders until something is done.

Legend

A good scare

It's almost 3am and I'm still up. And wide awake too..
Just walked my best friend to her car. She was here watching a Movie with me.
This is the first night alone in this apartment and everyone who knows me, know that I don't do well alone.
For many reasons really.. But mainly cause of my anxiety and the fact that I get REALLY bored. I hate living alone..
I do best in a roomie living arrangement.
Of course, I love my "alone time" just as much as the next.. But I still want someone around.. Close bye.
I love noise and around me. The sound of traffic, Music or just.. "city noise".
I could NEVER live on the country side where things are "nice and quiet".
Anyways.. Saara and I watched two scary movies.
"The haunting in Connecticut 2", and "Mama".
Mama... Now that is some seriously fucked up shit! Finally a GOOD scary movie!
Like most scary movies, the ending was a bit.. meh.. but all in all a really good scare!

Tomorrow is Sunday and also my favorite day of the week do to the fact that every Sunday,
Saara and I spend between 5-6hrs at the gym.
Tomorrow won't be the same, Saara is sick and won't be able to make it.
I REALLY want to go, so probably will go for a while, not the whole 6hrs, but at least for one or two sessions.
All the work I'm putting in is definitely starting to show! I am starting to actually like the way I look.
I know I have a LONG way to go, but the fact that I am starting to feel good about my self, means a lot to me.
I am happier and stronger as a person. For sure!

It feels a bit weird not hearing Isabelle talking to her gamers over the computer.
Or having Cayenne walk in telling us something about something on the computer or. I never know.
I've grown fond of the noises and sounds of home now..
And not having little Bons around feels REALLY strange.
I love that dog! He is definitely one of a kind.
Soon I will have my own little puppy to care for. I think that will be good for me.

HappyThankYouMorePlease

Random thoughts

I worry myself sometimes with my thoughts.
This might sound like the strangest thing to most of you.
But I am a firm believer in "The Secret" so to me in makes perfect sense.
"Ask and you shall receive". Even in religion it's there.
It mostly happens late at night when I have trouble falling a sleep.
My mind starts to wander and I end up thinking about situations and people I should not be thinking of. Mainly there's this one person I am referring to.
Most of the people who know me, also know who I am talking about.
THAT guy.
I can't help it! He is just, THERE.
It's not like I lay down at night and go, "Oh, I'm gonna think/dream about HIM tonight".
NO.. If I had any say in this.. he would not be a part of it.
I can't help to think what it means tho.. As I after all this time, STILL can't get him out of my mind.
I mean.. I.. I don't know what I mean.. It just confuses me.
And since I am thinking of him this much lately.. It kind of worries me that the next time I visit Jersey.. There he'll be.
And my thoughts and feelings on that.. it extremely split.
Part of me would really like to see him and hear how he is doing, while the rest of me thinks it would be a REALLY bad idea.
Oh well.. It's not really good to worry about things that have yet to even happen.

Anyways.. Tomorrow I will be taking a drug test, as my criminal record will be checked AND I will be tested on my stress level and my ability to simultaneously do many things at the same time.
I am not a person who handles stress very well so I'm kind of.. Stressing about it.. Ironic, huh?

Well.. Time to take another shot at sleep.

In a past life

That one friend

 

 

You are til date, the most important person in the history of me!
Without your help and support, I would not be the person I am today.

I thank you, for being there for me.

Compaints

So I got a complaint last night.
Apparently I have to up my tempo on the blogging a little bit. (Read A lot).
The reason as to why I don't blog that much is cause I hate blogging if I don't have anything to say?
I don't wanna keep talking about the same things and going on and on about how fantastic my friends are. Even tho they are!

Good for my complainer that I have things to update with ;)
First off I passed the first test on my interview for my job. Two more tests to go, and I know for a fact that I will pass them, cause one if a drug test and the other one is criminal record, which I don't have! YEY! The job is for Sweden's version of 911.
I will be one of the people answering the calls.
Am REALLY needing this job as for the fact that I love money and I miss spending like a rich bitch!
Also cause my boys are about to go on tour, and I need SERIOUS money for that!
And last but not least, Me and my friends are going to NY for my birthday next year, so need to save up for that. Cause I don't want it to be a budged trip like all my other NY trips so far.
This time I want money to spend. Shopping on 5th Avenue. Yes Please!

Next week is the boys 20th celebrations! They have been a group for TWENTY years!
I remember every year as a fan.. More or less!
Me and my "team" are meeting up in Stockholm to celebrate and to share memories.
Am SO proud of them for coming this far and STILL going strong.
They are the last band standing out of the many boybands that surfaced in the 90's and early 2000.
And now they have been a boyband for so long, that the trend has circled and come back and we yet again see groups with 4-5 young guys singing together, making girls CRAZY with emotions!
I'm PROUD, proud to still be here after all these years, still just as proud of a fan as I was when they first started!

The week after my Stockholm trip, my little puppy will be with me!
Can't wait to have her!! My own little dog! FINALLY!!

No Doubt!

I will win!

Not immediately but definitely.

 

 

Motivator

A lot of things are happening in my life right now.
I'm happy with where I am and I really hope I'll continue doing what I am doing.
It brings me so much motivation and happiness to hear friends tell me that I am SO far from the person I used to be a few years back.
A good friend of mine told me that I motivate her to keep pushing towards her goals, even tho my goals and her goals are nowhere the same, it's my struggles and determination that motivates her.
That was by far one of the best things anyone has ever said to me.
It's things like THAT, that keeps me going.
I want nothing but to motivate people. If it's in health or something else in life, it don't matter.
I just want people to see me as someone who will never give up on herself.

I spend most of my waking hours now days, at the gym!
I have lost 30lbs since January 28th and I am nowhere close to "there yet".
It's an endless "uphill battle" but I am doing really well and staying healthy in both body and mind.
Me and Saara spend between 4-5 days/week at the gym, and each time we're there between 1-5hrs.
So I'm doing pretty good!

On a different note, I recieved some WONDERFUL news 2 days ago.
As most of my friends know, I have been DYING for a dog of my own.
A little puppy to love and raise.
And just like that, out of the blue, my good friend Jack, tells me he has a puppy for me!!
I am OVER THE MOON for this and I can hardly wait for my little princess to get here!
She will be joining me at the end of the month.

Untill then, HappyThankYouMorePlease

Kitt Fit

I don't think I've ever been this excited about being alive!
I'm sooooo excited for the future and whatever it may bring me.
I'm ready to take on anything that the universe has to throw at me.
I'm growing stronger with every passing day and I'm SO grateful to be alive!

Sarted working out yesterday.
Saara and I started out by trying boxing. It wasn't really for me, but I'm happy I tried it.
Today we spent 5hrs at the gym.
Did 15 min on the treadmill for warmups, then 30 min abs and thighs 20 min break before hitting the treadmill again for one hr, then straight after that we did one hr of african dance.
Need less to say, but my body feels like it's been hit by a truck.
I'm pulling a lot of motivation from Nick's lovely fiancé, Lauren Kitt.
She's been a huge inspiration in this and I'm glad she's doing her "Kitt Fit" thing that we (The fans or who ever) can follow and get help/inspiration from.
I'm still keeping on my diet. I will do this round and after that will start to eat normal food, slowly.
Don't wanna push it and go all in with the food untill I feel comfortable.
It's important I find a healathy eating habbit and not eat ones every day, dinner.
Baby steps!
I'm very proud of myself for getting this far and am excited to see how far I can go!

 

 

 

Kitt Fit - Youtube

 

Kitt Fit - Facebook

 

Lauren Kitt - Twitter

Gym tattoos (?) and Friends!

Those wonderful days when life just hands you roses!
I am so grateful to be alive and healthy!
Today have been a day with good friends.
Started out the day hanging out with Sandra and baby Molly.
One of the first things Sandra said when I got to her place was "It REALLT shows that you lost weight". It was SO appreciated cause it SUCKS putting in all the work, losting all this weight and no one comments on it. So I'm happy she saw it!
After talking for a while we decided to spend the rest of the time giving me two new tattoos!
They came out GREAT and I'm VERY happy with the both of them.
After we were done we talked some more before it was time for me to head down town to meet up with Saara and her little girl, Moa.
We went to sign up at a gym we both been looking at.
We got a great deal with them and I'm really pleased with the decision!
We also went shopping for running/workout shoes so now we are all good to go!
Since it was FREAKIN cold outside, Isabelle was kind enough to come and pick me up.

All in all the perfect day!
HappyThankYouMorePlease

Oh dear lord

Hi there !
My dear friend Lindah asked if I could do a post on her blogg, sure I can what are friends for ;)
She told me that I had to write in english so my first thought was Oh dear lord my english sucks !
Oh well just ignore my spelling mistakes will ya !
So what about Lindah?, what can I say ? I could tell you alot of juicy things about her, but do you
know what? Im not going to ;) But what I can tell you is that Im blessed to have such a beautiful
friend. And I would do almost anything for her, that´s why Im doing this ;P No seriously your one of the best hun. <3
It´s in the middle of the night here so I should be In bed... but Im not and Im gonna regret It when
my doughter Molly wakes up, she´s a morning person.. And let´s just say Im not.
Im sorry If this wasn´t the funniest post but I have to take my flat ass to bed, yes I said flat as!
When we where in high school my friends said that I did not have an ass, and yes that´s true, It hurts when I sit still to long... Lindah was one of them ... I love her anyways.
Back to going to bed, I will go to bed now, I miss my bed so BYYYYYYYEEEEEEE !!

Me and my hun ! Yeah say what? I always look like that ;)

haha..

BTW!!
If you have nothing better to do, I mean If you seriously have nothing to do and your swedish
Is ok why not visit my blogg : http://threelittleeewords.blogg.se ;)

Goodnight and dont let the bed bugs bite, I just had to ;*

Dust yourself off and try again

Had a rough 24hrs, emotionally rough.
Don't know why, but am out of ballance. All day yesterday I could not stop thinking about J.
I don't know why, cause I'm usually fine not thinking of him.
But for some reason, yesterday was hard.
After breaking down in to tears over it, I had a talk with my wonderful roomie.
She always makes sense out of my emotional chaos.
She said something a long the lines of; "Of course you are thinking of him. You've been doing so good and you feel good and you want to share this with him".
And this is true.. I miss talking to him about everyday things.
And If things were different, I would LOVE to call him up and tell him that I've been doing everything he told me to do, and I am doing SO good.
Makes me sad to think of the fact that I don't have my friend anymore.
He was a good friend and I will always be grateful to him for everything that he gave me.
Just awkward seeing his brother everytime I'm around the boys.
They look so much a like and it definately brings back memories.

My diet is going well! I've lost almost 30 lbs now which is AWESOME and I am so proud of myself.
I had to take a break tonight tho. I've been feeling dizzy and my body has been acting wierd all day so I had to get some food and just chill for a day.
I've been losing about 1.20 lbs/day so I think it went a liiiiittle to fast.
It's ok tho and I'm not worried.
I won't give up just because I had a bad day, I will forgive myself and do better tomorrow!

Adult Children

Just wanted to put a reminder out there about what it is to be me, and what I am dealing with each and every day. I am recovering but I have many years ahead of me before I reach my goal.



Adult Children of alcoholics or other users:

...guess at what normal is
....have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.
...judge themselves without mercy.
...have difficulty having fun.
...take themselves very seriously.
...have difficulty with intimate relationships. (Many children who experience early life in a home with at least one alcoholic report having difficulty forming intimate relationships. Because of trust issues and a lack of self-esteem, it is difficult for them to allow someone to get close enough to have a trusting, close relationship.)...overreact to changes over which they have no control.
...constantly seek approval and affirmation.
...feel that they are different from other people.
...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.

 

Empathy is an ability with many different definitions.
They cover a broad spectrum, ranging from caring for other people and having a desire to help them, to experiencing emotions that match another person's emotions, to knowing what the other person is thinking or feeling, to blurring the line between self and other. Empathic concern is the feeling of compassion or concern for another, the wish to see them better off or happier

Care Takers

Because of their heightened sense of responsibility, most children of alcoholics believe it is their "role in life" to take care of everyone else.

They tend to be attracted to people they can rescue and take care of.
You will often find them working in the "helping professions."

Fake facebook profile & - 24.2lbs

Hungry hungry hungry!!!
This diet thing is a freakin pain in the ass, ESPECIALLY living with my roomie who cooks like a freakin angel! Smells so good I could die!! I'm being a good girl tho and keeping at it. I've lost 24.2 lbs since jan 28th!
I took a 2 and a half weeks rest from it and ate whatever I felt like, so all in all I've been at this for about 3 and a half weeks. so 24.2 lbs in that amount of time pretty damn good.

On a different note, I recieved a notice from facebook that my account had been reported as "Fake".
I.e, someone who is using someone else pictures and basically "impersonating" someone else.
I have to laugh at it all. I mean.. If someone wanted to make a fake facebook account, why use MY pictures??
I'm SURE you can do better than that, who ever you are :)
A bit flattered tho, I'm not gonna lie.

Anyways, I am in love with life for the first time ever and I am enjoying getting stronger and smarter each and every day.
I have a WONDERFUL army of friends and supporters around me and I know it is thanks to you all that I have come this far in my recovery. For that I am forever in deep loving gratitude to you all, who inspires me to keep going on this journey!
Thank you! Really!

Home!

Home is where the heart is and my heart is with me, for the first time, ever!
I am just right exactly where I should be at this place in time.
Who knows what the future may hold, but right now, right here.. Is where I should be!
It's an awesome feeling.
Having gone through the things I have in life, with my background and trauma, I don't expect anyone to understand the feeling I have. It takes someone who's gone through hell and back to understand the feeling of.. This!
Everything is falling into place and I am not gonna let anything get in my way now.
I just wanna keep doing what I am doing and staying on the path that I am on.
Then and only then will I reach the place and person I am suppoused to find and be.

I am sending ALL my love and support to my most important person in life, Sophia.
Looks like she's finally met someone who is worth her love.
There is no other person in my life that means as much to me as she does.
She is the reason I am where I am today and not still walking around in the dark place I was a year ago. She took me under her wing, showed me and taught me what it meant to be me and WHY, I am me. If it wasn't for her.. I wouldn't be. I know this.

I am just all around in a happy place.
So much support, love and understanding coming from all around and I am SO grateful for it!
I have gotten rid of the last negativity in my life and from here on only good things, and I am 100% focused and motivated!
Watch me!

Back to basic

It's fantastic how people change and grow.
It makes me happy to see someone I care about, find their way.
I did some serious growing, learning and healing myself this past year.
No one who knew me a year ago, knows me today.
I am still getting to know myself, and it's gonna take years to get to where I need to be to be happy with myself. I am not stressing over it tho, as long as I feel myself going in the right direction.. I am in no hurry to get there. Everything has it's time and place.

When I started this blog, it was for me only.
I have after that opened my blog to my friends and the public.
So basically, now everything I think and feel.. Is for everyone to know, judge and talk about.
This is not why I write here. I still use this blog for the same reason I did when I started it.
Strickly therapeutic. It helps me a lot to deal with everyday situations that goes on, if I just have a place to put all my thoughts and feelings, such as here. In my blog.
So that means I don't put things in here to "tell the world" about.
It just simply is something that's on my mind.
I also promised myself when I started this blog, that I was gonna keep negativity out of it.. I failed a few days ago and It's been on my mind ever since.
That was the first and last time I write about people or a single person whom is not worth my time, energy or a place to be mentioned in my blog.

I am gonna keep working on myself to be the best that I can be each and every day.
I'm gonna keep doing ACA (Klick here) work and also gonna go back and do some serious "The Secret" work.
I appreciate that you take time to read my blog and hope maybe some of you will find something worth taking with you.

 

"Forgive forgive forgive and move on, don't forget, but don't dwell on it.
Today, forgive someone because, I am sure you need to be forgived too" - J.N

Called your bluff

Army

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Wether it's between friends or lovers.
Atleast if you ask me.
I am lucky enough to be where I am today, mostly do to my fantastic army of friends.
I don't have a family of my own, so for me my friends are my family and I trust my family blindly.
I expect my friends to tell me to my face what they think and feel.
To go behind my back, is not something I appreciate.
Sure, we all make mistakes.. we are all human.
I expect my friends to mess up ones or twice, that's ok..
But to time after time put a knife in my back.. Thanks, but no thanks.
I'd rather have people tell me "You're a bitch and I don't like you", rather than they being nice to my face and telling everyone else what they should be telling me.
I mean, do you really wanna waste mine and your time on someone you don't even like?
When I don't like a person, they know. I make no secret of the fact that I don't like a person.
I find it easier that way. I don't like being fake.

I have REALLY struggled with myself this past year, working on my self, learning and understanding myself and my situation.
I am just starting my recovery and my journey, I have YEARS to go which makes it very easy for me to slip or fall back in to my old self..
This makes it even more important to me that I know where I have my friends and that I can trust them. To be betrayed now will definitely throw me off..
I am thankful to have gotten rid of that one person who so clearly was not my friend and to now be surrounded my some of the best people in the world.
My friends. My family!