All Saints

At work. Bored out of my mind with nothing to do.. So why not update the blog?
Did NOT get enough sleep last night. So feel like everything is going in slomo at the moment.
Which is good.. tired = no chance for anxiety.

It is today one week til London!! Excited beyond words for this!
THREE big reasons. Exchange, Backstreet boys and All Saints.
All saints is opening for the Backstreet Boys in the UK and I can't wait!
I've been an Saints fan since the late 90's SO glad they're back.
Hope they're doing the old hits, "Never Ever" being my favorite!
As for The Exchange.. No words! I feel like a little school girl with these boys.
Completely stoopified!
I just hope that they will never get "celebrity" get the best of them and that they will stay true to them selves and what they do, as attention on them grows.
I would HATE to see them get big headed and forget what's important in what they do.

Exchanging BSB, Aaron... Carter??

I like nice people.
And I don't mean.. like everyone else likes nice people. I mean i get really excited over nice people.
Is that sad? Kind of, hu?
I just.. I don't know.. I see people treat each other like dirt, so when I come across someone nice.. I get really.. happy? lol
Yea yea.. I never said I was "normal".

I'm in such a weird state of mind this past month.
Going on tour is bitter sweet for me.. do to certain people working with the backstreets.
I keep a low profile around the boys, in respect to this person.
I mean.. yea.. Ya'll know..
"Someone" looks A LOT like his brother and it's hard to be around him.. cause all I see is.. THAT guy.
Whatevs, it is what it is..



Tomorrow it's one week until me and Jenn touch down in London.
I can not wait. And i can't stress that enough!
I really can not wait! No, really.
I'm honestly more excited to get to see The Exchange again than to see my boys.
Love those guys. Raw talent.
Truly appreciate them.
Especially Aaron who's got me lifted from anxiety this past week.
He's been such a sweetheart and i truly truly appreciate him.
It takes so little to snap me out of anxiety if it's from "the right person".





I have two weeks left at my job then it's time to start looking for a new job.
I wanna work with people.. around people and towards people.
An office 9-5 job is NOT my thing.
It's not long until I get to go back home to NY again.
I truly can't wait.. Home! Haven't been back since october 2011 now and that's the longest I've ever been away from my favorite place on earth! It's gonna be fun to introduce the new me to my friends back there. They saw me last when I was 90lbs heavier and a brunette, and broken for that matter.

Well.. I need to try and sleep now before thoughts start spinning.

Grateful.

Gratefulness.

Oh my.. This whole blogging thing has really sadly ended up not being something i prioritize.
But then again.. When i started this blog it was only for me..
A place where I could write down my thoughts and analyze myself and things that was going on in my life at that time.
I then ended up opening it up to the public.
It is still kind of a safe haven for me, a place I want to keep free from negative things.
Like.. This is not a place where I would ever say something negative about anyone who did me wrong or things of that sort. It is simply a place for me to share my life and thoughts with.. well, let's face it.. complete strangers. At least some of you.

I am right now all up in "my happy place".. which is, as you all know.. The backstreet boys.
It has been my happy place since I was 12 years old. My world when everything at home was falling a part. I don't share my childhood stories with that many ppl. Only people I feel completely comfortable with will get me to open up enough for me to share things like that.
I talk allot about me being ACA, Adult Children of Alcoholics.
For those of you who knows what that means, may understand what my childhood was like.. for you who don't. Google it.
I still today struggle with things based on my childhood. I suffer from severe Anxiety for example.
SEVERE. To the point when I sometimes feel that "tomorrow.. I hope I don't have to wake up".
It's an awful feeling.. But it is something I have learned to live with. More or less.
I mean.. I will never fully "LEARN" to live with it.. But accepting it is a step in the right direction.

Lately I have been doing really poorly with my anxiety, really poorly. I went back on my meds and things were pretty much shit.
But then the awaited Backstreet Boys tour came. Me and my partner in crime, Jennifer.. of course booked a couple of shows.
And.. I found, to my surprise that the opening act, this time.. did not make me want to shoot myself.
The opening act is a fantastically talented Vocal Harmony group that goes by the name of "The Exchange Vocal", or The Exchange if you will.
Five super talented guys with the sweetest personalities.
I had the honor to meet this guys a couple of times.. And even got stuck on a train with them for a few hours traveling from Gothenburg to Copenhagen. Long story.. But it was funny.
I really enjoy them and they have kept me busy and distracted since the day I first met them.
They have a fantastic ability to spread happiness around them by just being so genuinely grateful for being where they are right now.. and for enjoying what they do. It really reaches people.
Since I met these guys and saw them perform, they have kept me giddy and excited.
To the point where I have not had take my anxiety meds anymore.
I wonder what it would feel like knowing that you did what they did for me, to someone else.
to know that you are making someone really happy.
I wish these guys nothing but the best and hope that they will enjoy every minute of what they are experiencing right now.
That they are taking it all in.
Cause they truly deserve all the buzz they are stirring up all over Europe right now.
I will get to see these guys again in about a week and a half when me and Jennifer are travelling to London and Manchester to attend the backstreet boys two last shows in Europe before they head back to the US.
This for me.. started out with me going to see the backstreet boys.
But as of right now.. I am going to see The Exchange.. And that is the main excitement for me flying over to the UK, not the Backstreet Boys.. Yes.. I actually put that in print.

I hope you all are doing well out there and that you are reminding yourself of all the ways that you are blessed. If not.. Think about it. It's good to remind yourself every now and then.
It's important to stay grateful.
Some extra love goes out to one of my absolute best friend who are not doing to good at the moment.
I will always have your back and support you, always.. It's ok to fall sometimes.. I will hold you up.

Working 9-5

Hi Lovers!!

Sorry for the, yet again.. MIA.
I've just been busy being happy and alive.. (the later mentioned would be pretty obvious)
Anyways, A lot has been going on since I last updated - I HAVE A FULL TIME JOB NOW!
Uhu, FINALLY.. it only took me a year but after rain there is always, always sunshine and as long as I remember that and keep that in focus, I can pretty much push trough any situation.
Job doesn't may as much as I would like to.. but its still over 3 times the amount of the last place I worked at, so I'm def not complaining.
Plus, one of the perks with this job is a brand new Iphone 5S. Thank you!

Sophia, the most important person in my life has FINALLY arrived in Sweded after almost 9 months of waiting.
I have yet to meet up to her do to work and her school stuff.. But next friday, FINALLY!!
It's "only" been a year and a half.. No biggie...!

Another thing is that, as you all know.. I'm a devoted and loyal Backstreet Boys fan and it is now just about tour time again!
I haven't seen them on tour since 2008 do to moving back and forth between Sweden and the US so this will be EPIC!!
It's gonna be sad and different now that we don't have Q around.. But I'm sure, if anything.. in his honor.. we will have fun!


Gotta get some work done now, Hopefully won't be TOOO long till i write again!

LOVE

Uuuugh!!

You know what annoys me more than probably anything else in the world. Grownups.
And I don't mean the ones that have their shit together.
I mean the arrogant, childish, judgemental ASSHOLES.
SO ANNOYING!!!
Am on my lunch break at work, and I didn't go to lunch with the rest of the gang because, well.. I'm annoyed as fuck and I'm not the type of person that spreads this kind of energy around.
I'll rather just hang out by my self, try and cool off and chill untill lunch is over.
I'm just not having it today.
Am SO ready for this week to be over now so I can sleep during the weekend, start on fresh on monday and then next weekend off to Stockholm.
I CAN NOT WAIT to get some space between me and this city.

So yea, I have been MIA for a while now and it's do to me working again.
Full time job won't leve me much time for blogging.
And even if it did.. I get up between 4-5am so when I get home from work.. The LAST thing I feel like doing is getting on here and telling ya'll how my day was.
Sorry.. I'm just WAY to tired for that.

Anyways, I'm gonna just, not.. cause I don't use this blog for negativity.. But we all have our days.

Ciao!

Gratefulness

It's raining outside.
It's beginning of January and It's raining.. Sweden is practically north pole, It should be about -20F (-20-25C). Something is seriously wrong with the climate.
Tho I hear North Western states in the US are in what they're calling a "polar vortex".
How do they have colder weather than we do?? Madness!

In other news, I signed the contract for my new job today.
Felt REAL good. I will be making about 5 times the money from what I do now.
MUCH needed money.
It will be very needed for my New York trip in may.
I can't wait to start work tomorrow.
This new year have been good to me so far. I'm really truly looking forward to all fun stuff that will be 2014. Looking to make AT LEAST two trips to the US, first East coast then East & West coast.
Gonna cram in FL on one of those trips also, I REALLY miss my FL family. Can not believe it's been 15 years!

Later today one of my BEST friends in the world, Elin is coming over for some quality time.
We usually try to see each other ones every week, but do to the holidays and everything I haven't seen her in almost a month now, which is NOT something I'm happy about.
Elin is one of those wonderful people that has a heart made of gold.
I've NEVER heard her say a bad word about anyone and she is SO important to me.
She keeps me strong and motivated on where I need to be and whom I need to be and I am eternally grateful to have her in my life. Truly.

Old, OLD picture

Show Love

Band Page

Picture Update

US, Greens and Alcohol.

I'm in a good state of mind today. Well.. if you don't count the fact that I'm hungover like a baws!
I went home early last night and was in bed around 1am.
Forgot to drink water.. hence the hangover.

Other than that, I'm pretty good.
Just got off a skype session with my dear friend and old neighbor from Baltimore, Louise and her daughter Nina.
It's been ages since I last saw them and a visit to my old hometown is way over do.
Def making that trip in may when I'm back in New York, even if It's just over day.

Spent last night with my long time friend, Nadja.
We had planned a night out, but since I'm such an amateur drinker, I went home early, like I said.
Ran in to two old colleagues while out, also. Always good to see familiar faces.
This was also my last hurrah before my trip to NY/NJ/MD in may.
No more alcohol. Until then.
Also gonna cut out 90% of all animal protein from my diet. Permanently.
Only with the exception of a glass of milk every now and then, and eggs.
Gonna go all in to reach my goal weight before my trip.

Watch me.

Alcohol

Alcohol.. That popular liquid that ruined my life and so many others.
I'm a text book ACA (Aduld children of Alcoholics).
Personally I have a healthy relationship to alcohol, when it comes to my own intake.
But I am VERY uncomfortable being around other people whom I don't know, when they're drinking, or are drunk.
I just can't relax.
Alcohol scares the living *PEEEP* out of me. It ruins SO many people. Good people.
And it's SO easy to get stuck.. cause the road to alcoholism seams to be really fun.
Getting drunk, partying with friends every night.. Before you know it.. You're stuck.
I drink maybe 1-2 times every month.. Sometimes more.. But then it's birthdays and/or other celebrations on the same month.
And even when I drink.. I don't get "hammered". I HATE not being in control of myself.
I'm not a control freak.. But around alcohol, i like to be aware of my surroundings.
I don't think that's weird. Do you?

Anyways.. This is just something that was on my mind this morning.
I hope you all are doing well, and that you are looking  after yourselves.
Cause truly.. At the end of the day.. You are the only person who has to live with yourself for the rest of your life.. Be safe. And be cautious.

Textures Of Lions

Ok lovers!
You all know I love music. It's the main reason why I've studied Media and Journalism.
I want to write about music, promote music and so on.
Some of you have me on facebook, and you've seen me post about this band before, but I thought I'd give them a mention here also.
Check them out, give them a listen, and if you like them, show them some love on their facebook page LINK. Music, HERE.

Go Go Go!

Guest Entry - New Year, New Us…

Wow!! So where do I begin. 

First off, I want to thank Lindah for inviting me to write on her blog. 

I feel very honored so thank you love!

For those of you that don’t know me, my name is Lana and I live in Upstate NY, about 3 hours or so away from the BIG CITY that Lindah love so much as do I! 

There isn’t much to do here in good ol’ Albany  since in my opinion its so small and everyone knows everyone else. That’s brings me to what Im here for.

A NEW YEAR, A NEW US!! 

Yes I said it!! 2013 has been a years of ups and downs for me. More downs then ups but I like to remember the good times vs the bad times to keep me motivated and going. All you can do is learn from your experiences and move forward from them right? That’s why I cannot wait for 2014 to begin. A new year, new changes in my life and be FINALLY moving forward. 

Aaaahhh cannot wait!! This is going to be a year for me to remember, I can feel it! 

BRING ON THE CHANGES!! I’m so ready for it!

I cannot wait for March to come. Im going overseas for the first time to Stockholm, Sweden to see my BOYS. 

Yes I LOVE BSB too. Hardcore fan here!  

And of course while I'm there I will be hanging with Lindah and I cannot wait to see her. 

I met her at the Mixtape Festival back in August 2012 and I loved that girl from the moment I saw her and talked to her. She is AMAZING I must say. 

I have to admit I am kind of nervous about heading overseas for the first time but I know I will be okay. 

Ahhh!! Just thinking about it makes me super excited!!

Look at the time, its 6:41am here and I have to get ready for work. 

Wish I could write more but I have to get my butt in gear and start the day!

Happy New Year Everyone!! Here is to a better us in 2014!

Lana 

MIA

Stockholm bound! 

I will give you all an update as soon as there's time! 

Hope you all are enjoying the holidays and each other!  

Christmas Picture Update

Never mind what people say cause they don't understand

That time when you wake up at 4:30 am and can not fall back asleep.

I'm restless and at the same time I don't wanna do crap.

Stuck in a gray zone I guess.

No hugs, No kisses

It's been a rough weekend.
For me, for millions of Backstreet Boys fans all around the world, for the Backstreet Boys, and for the family and friends of one of the most wonderful people I have ever had the pleasure to meet.
John "Q" Elgani passed away on Friday morning in his home in FL. The day before his 41st birthday.
Q is.. Was, one of the original Security guards working for the BSB.
He was there from the start and we, the fans have been blessed to have had him with us along the ride on and off since then.
He has become somewhat like the 6th member of the Backstreet Boys.
Spending at times, more time with us than what the boys do.
Always polite and always with a smile on his face.
Q was known for his wonderful ability to light up a room.
You'd notice him. If you didn't see him right away, you could hear him.
He was very much like a friend.
On his last visit to Sweden, only about 5-6 weeks ago.. I definitely connected with him.
He complimented me, in pure shock, on the changes I've done to myself in regards to my weight loss.
He motivated me to better myself further, and also complimented me on looking good NOW.
I truly truly enjoyed him and liked him as one of my close and personal friends.
For so many reasons.

Q leaves behind his wonderful wife, Angela who is pregnant with a little girl that will be their first child together. His three sons and other close family members.
I will be mourning Q along side millions of other BSB fans all around the world.
My love and support goes out to Q's family, friends and the Backstreet Boys at this tough time.

Feel Good

Boys!

It's kind of strange.. When I was 80lbs heavier, I was always crushing on someone.

Now when I'm loosing weight, getting healthy.. There's no one on my radar.

I'm just liking boys in general at the moment. 

I've been enjoying going out, partying and having fun with friends.

It's like a whole new world has opened up now.

More clothes to chose from as I'm not restricted to the "plus size" clothes anymore. 

And do to that.. I actually ENJOY getting dressed up!

I feel pretty! It's a new feeling to me, different.. But good!

I have a totally different mind set towards life now than from what I used to have. 

I'm liking and enjoying myself for the first time in my life and I'm so SO grateful!

Stuck in my head

 

 

 

Pages
Between us
Written with no end.
So many words we're not saying.
Don't wanna wait 'til it's gone.
You make me strong.

I'm sorry if I say, "I need you."
But I don't care,
I'm not scared of love.
'Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker.
Is that so wrong?
Is it so wrong
That you make me strong?

 

 

 

Wrecking Ball



 

 

 

I saw a picture of him today.

To you it would look like any other picture of any other guy..

But to me.. It was HIM.

He had that really discrete smile on his face.. That smile that I always used to say I loved!

It was a new picture.

He looked good. In many ways.

He looked happy and healthy.. Which to me are the two most important things I want for him in life.

It comes and goes.. But it truly hit me like a ton of bricks with that picture.

He still holds my heart.

I'm not in love with him.

But I truly do love him still..

After all this time..

I still do

And I always,

Always will..

 

 

 

 

 

 



Sometimes what you want most is what you're best without.

Three straight days of partying now done.
That's more than I usually party in a whole month!
I wish I could say that it'll be a while before I party again.. But with Christmas and New Years coming up.. We all know that won't happen.

I am getting a little more excited over my coming NY & NJ trip in may.
Last night I spoke to my favorite person in the world, Derek and he assured me that we will meet up as always when I get there.
That made me look forward to my trip more than what I did a few days ago.
I love Derek to death! He is such a good guy and I'm SO grateful that I still have him in my life.
I'm really looking forward to seeing D again.. Introduce him to the new me.
Can't wait!