Seasons

Listen honey, to every word I say

I know that you don't trust me

But I'm better than the stories about me

Everybody messes up someday

Ain't got no rhyme or reason

All I know is that I'm yours, yours, yours with every season.

Västerås

I'm home.
Back home in Västerås. It feels like it's been forever since I got to spend some time in my own apartment.
Altho It's been good for me to be in the company of my dear friend Hannah for two months.. It's time to get back to reality and my own routines. I need to get back in to training and eating healthy.
My baby sister is getting married in a month so will be fun to be near her and help her out any way I can with planing and organizing.

I've been starting to crave change. I've always been on the run, for the major part of my life.
Everytime I'm doing really poorly mentally, I tend to pick up and move, from this country.
I'm trying really hard to NOT do that this time,. From experience that never helps on a long term. It's just a temporary solution.
Instead I'm looking for more, "Right now" change. Like maybe.. Switching jobs, reconnecting with old friends, working on myself and my trauma. Things that will provide a more, healthy change. You know?

I don't know why I've been doing so poorly lately, I can't pinpoint one specific situation.
I think, THINK it's the lack of security and stability I've been feeling lately.
The need for someone to just, look at me and give me that sense of.. "Everything is ok, you got this".
That and the whole Jordan thing being brought up again. I'm trying HARD to not let that push me down. It's hard tho.. Cause.. It's Jordan.. and well.. You all know..

Also got a haircut.. Again, the need for change ;)
But really tho. It was quite the makeover! To go from really long hair, to REALLY short hair. New color and everything. I'm really happy with it. I'm always happy and content with anything my dear friend and hairdresser, Mathilda does with my hair. She's magic!

Untill next time.

xoxo

I'm stayingin my spot!

Thursday.
I felt a little stronger this morning but then I get to work and am forced to sit next to him. Like everyday.
I choose to stay in my spot even tho we're not taking anymore.
I stay because I don't want to deal with the questions as to why I'm NOT next to him. I stay in my spot cause.. despite him ignoring me to the point where in actually staying to doubt my own existence, he still means the absolut world to me and he still gives me a sense of security. That's why I stay.
Things got instantly brighter the second my little waffle, Felicia walked in to work. She's my little star! I see myself in her. She's just like me, the way I was three years ago.
This girl has all the potential in the world to be and go wherever she wants. All she needs is a little guidance, something I'm trying to give her. Sucks that she's moving in a few months.

Other than that. I'm going home for a few hours tomorrow. Have an appointment with Mathilda. My friend and hairdresser. I'm in desperate need of a makeover and I trust her blindly to deal with this mop they call hair!
After that it's back to Eskilstuna for some After Work with the colleagues.
I'm not sure I'll stick around all night tho.. It all depends if HE will be there and how he treats me. Time will tell.

Time to sleep now. Long busy day tomorrow.

P.s. check out Felicias blog and what she wrote about me. ♡

Felicias blog

This Too Shall Pass...

Not again I scream
Over-analyzing everything
The circle of us
Won't break it's pattern
Won't seize cause

I am your stubborn hypocritical lover
Guarded by thorns of my past
You have been wounded, bled out
Anger gushing
And none of us thought it would last

The winds of your ego
The waves of my tears
Made the most perfect almighty storm
That we've seen this year
But experience gathered
We've learned from our past
So don't worry darling
This too shall pass

Soul-bruising, I look at you
Accusingly cause I am black and blue
Emotional fist
You are the only man who makes me feel like this

I am your weakness, I am your protector
But who will protect you from me?
The damage is obvious, patch me together
Loosen your grip boy, I can't breathe

The winds of your ego
The waves of my tears
Made the most perfect almighty storm
That we've seen this year
But experience gathered
We've learned from our past
So don't worry darling
This too shall pass

Emotional

It's been an EMOTIONAL two days.
The kind of emotional when you really doubt you'll be ok in the end.. I'm still questioning it.
I don't handle abandonment well. At all.
It's the deepest form of pain for me.. To be left behind.
To have someone willingly turn their back on me.. It cuts deep. Very deep.
I've lost someone whom I held CLOSE to my heart.. Not even close, but IN my heart.
The kind of person who you feel so comfortable with, trust so deeply and care so much about that they become a part of your heart.. I've lost that person.
And the hardest thing about it.. they left without explanation.
It leaves me questioning myself..
To go from someone who was introduced as their best female friend, to someone who doesn't even exist in their world.
The pain.. it becomes more than a mental state of mind..
I feel it on every level of my existence.
Abandonment..
I have to heal my heart and accept the fact that they have left me.
Things like this always takes me forever.. But I've done it before, and I'll do it again.
I just hope this doesn't scare me off from opening up and trusting people in the future.
Despite all this, and no matter what happens.. I will never have a bad word to say about you.
When someone asks about you I will simply smile and be grateful for the friendship that you showed me and for the unbelievable kind person that you are.
Never doubt that. Ever.
Thank You

Abandonment

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/

In Swedish!

Hej alla!!

Jag har en fin vän som har blivit nominerad till Årets Manliga Idrottare i Flens idrottsgala.
Skulle uppskatta om ni ville lägga en röst på honom.
Såhär gör ni.

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Tack för hjälpen!

Adult Children.

The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
   
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
   
3. We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
   
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
   
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
   
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
   
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
   
8. We became addicted to excitement.
   
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
   
10. We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
    
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
    
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
    
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
    
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
    

Gratitude

I'm forever grateful for people like you.

Genuine and selfless.

If it wasn't for your kindness, today would have been one of the worst days ever.

Thank you for lifting my spirit and reminding me why I keep fighting every day.

Will you love me?

Everybody's got a dark side

Do you love me?

Can you love mine?

Nobody's a picture perfect

But we're worth it

You know that we're worth it

Will you love me?

Even with my dark side?

Brockovich

Two good days in a row now.
Even tho this day felt like a year, it was still a good day.
It feels like things are a little.. lighter between me and my rock.. Still not like it used to be.. But better. And better.. is all I can ask for.

I'm really missing Hannah now.. She's been gone since Friday and I'm more than ready for her to come home now. And so is my dog, cause she's at the point where she's happy to see ME when i come home from work.. and that's just.. not right.
Hannah.. come home.. you broke my dog!!

I'm starting to feel again, like it's fun to go to work every day.
I had a dip in december where I just.. didn't enjoy it.
I think a lot of it had to do with me and little J drifting a part and because of my medical situation right now..
My medical situation has really had me down.
I needed time to process it and think about what it really meant for me if any of the diagnosis turned out to be.. Real?
I'm still waiting for my MRI.. The waiting is definitely not easy.. It's the not knowing that effs me over. It's not ultimate for someone with anxiety.
But anyways, like I said.. I'm enjoying work again and as soon as I step outside of work I start planing in my head what I'm gonna wear the next day, how I'm gonna wear my hair.. which usually just turns out as a bun anyways.. But still.. a girl can still plan?!

Erin Brockovich on TV now.. Might update again later..

xoxo

Waffle

Just got back from work.
It's been one of those days when your not quite sure what you did all day.
Someone snapped their fingers and then the day was over, type of thing.
Mondays are usually a LONG day, but for some reason, today.. was a fast and short day.

My new meds have been noted at work. It's very apparent when my colleagues comment on the fact that I'm not the bubbly, happy, smiley, Lindah anymore.
I'm just... flat.
Not happy, not unhappy... just... flat.
It warms my heart when they notice a change in me.
"We don't recognize our Lindah".. OUR Lindah!
I love my peeps at work. At least most of them.
We're having our monthly After Work party next Friday. SERIOUSLY excited!
It's been 2 months since our last one, as Christmas got in the way and the one before that.. I wish I could undo that one.
But yea, do it over, do it right!
This time I hope my little waffle, Felicia will join us.
She's my mini me. Someone I can relate to do to the fact that she is me, 3 years ago.
Same type of childhood trauma and same type of personality traits that came with it.
I hold her close to my heart for that reason.
And even tho I know that she will be moving to a different city, and I haven't known her for more than a few months.. I will always be here to support her and help her through anything, should she ever need me.

Finally got to skype my Favorite Norwegian, last night!
It's been WAY to long.
We talked a little about life, Backstreet Boys and the future of ExchangersUnited.com's twitter account. From now on, I will be running that account.
I love our little project we have going on with the website.
Tess does all the coding and the actual work with the website, and I'm more helpful when it comes to info as I keep in touch with management and the boys, so I provide her with anything we need for the site, like pictures of the guys and what not.
Richard was kind enough to give us a BUNCH of photos of the boys to use for promoting.
Really good pictures that we can use that's not been seen or published yet by the boys.
It will be good to have some fresh pics to share with the fans as they've probably seen every published photo about a million times by now.
We really do our best to keep the Exchangers updated and activated while the boys do what they need to do to get their name out there. They REALLY do deserve to make it. Big time.
They have the talent, they have the tools and they're lucky enough to have a group of hardcore Backstreet Fans as their core fanbase in Europe.
Backstreet fans have been around for 22 years now. We have the connections and we know what it means to follow a "boy band".
We might be used to having it a certain way, we're spoiled if you will.
But we're willing to be patient and to help the boys as much as we can.
I can't wait to see what their next step is.

Anyways, gonna watch some TV now and just.. relax.
Leave a comment and tell me who you are and where you're from.
Would love to know you!

xoxo

The wounded one

I wanted to write about me. Not just.. what I do every day and what's in my head.
I mean.. ME. Who I am and why.
Dig a little deeper, ya know?
Most of my friends know I haven't had what you would call.. "an easy life".
To be perfectly honest.. My life has been anything BUT easy.
The only logical explanation to me still being alive, would be my friends.
I get attached to people really easily. When I see and find something good in someone, i full heartedly take to that person. Some more than others.
In some way I think I am unconsciously trying to find substitutes for an non existing family that I've never had.

I don't trust boys. I can't. The lack of a father figure plays a big part in that I think.
And my grandfather left my grandmother for a younger woman when I was 11.
I've really only opened my heart for two guys. Ever.
One who's not in my life anymore and the other one.. well.. He's slipping away and I'm not handling it well.. I wish I knew how to save the friendship I have.. Had, with him.. But I don't know how to.
And I don't handle rejection very well, so asking him the "How" and "Why" is not a option.
I am to scared of hearing the "I want nothing to do with you".
He is my rock.. My constant reminder of that there are good guys out there and that kindness, can be completely unselfish.
Cause that, he is. Unselfish and kind. Beyond any words I can ever come up with.
I adore him and the friendship that he has showed me.

I push people away and I self sabotage myself.
I don't mean to. But it is in some sick way, me trying to protect myself.
Protect myself from abandonment.
Abandonment.. The one thing that scares me to the very core of my being.
To be left alone.
To have someone whom you've opened up to, trusted and given your heart to.. Leave you.
The pain of having someone you care so deeply abouy, walk out of your life and leave you alone.
Yet.. Those are the people I push away.. The people whom are the closest to me.
      - Do I really believe that It hurts less if I "make" them leave, rather to have them leave me? 
Am I really that damaged? 

There are so many like me out there.
We, the wounded ones. The Adult Children. ACA. 
I wish I was normal.. That I could function and think like the rest of the population.
But I can't.
My scars are deep. They are mine and mine to live with.
Mine to protect and to heal.
Mine to show to those whom I trust will not be scared off by them.
My scars are not on the outside. Not for people to see and to think for themselves..
- "hey.. she's really hurt, wonder what she's been through".
My scars are only visible to those who choose to see them.
For those with enough patience to see through my smile and the wall that protects me.


- I wish I was normal.


www.adultchildren.org 

http://coda.org 

Scary movie

'Elloooo!

So it didn't take me forever to get back. Only like.. what? A week?
Anyways, I gave my blog a facelift. The other design was so.. Princessy?

It's Sunday today.. Such a waste day.
Had one of my favorite people stay over last night so at least had company half the day.
I've been spending SO much time here in Eskilstuna I'm starting to worry my friends back home will forget all about me. lol.
Don't worry, loves.. I'll be home next weekend.

As of right now, I'm just hangin out at home away from home watching TV.
Love this apartment. The BEST thing about it is.. It takes me about 2.5hrs LESS to get to work.
WINNER!

Had the girls over last night for a Scary Movie marathon. Such an awesome night.
We watched "The quiet ones" and "The haunting in Connecticut 2".
Some of us were more scared than others and needed pillow shields Haha.
At one point the guys next dore, who was btw fully informed of the fact that there was a bunch of girs in the next apt, watching scary moviea, they decided to open the front dore and scare the living crap out of us before quicky closing it again and running back to theirs. 
Too damn funny.

Anyways.. Am gonna keep cleaning this apt now.
Hope everyone is doing well.

xoxo

No excuses

I keep saying that I'm gonna get better at this blogging thing.. I guess life keeps getting in the way.
I used to be really good at blogging. Used to update 4-6 times every day. Now I'm lucky if i manage to get an entry in every other month or so.

Truth is, I've just been really busy. Work, friends and other important things, such as myself for example.
I'm still working at Tele2 costumer service. I truly love my colleagues at this place.
I'm still holding on to my rock, my little guy, Johan.
He's truly been the main reason why i'm still at this place.
We've drifted a part a little bit.. Which honestly sucks and i don't know how to find my way back to the safe place that is him. He used to be the one secure place I'd run to when anxiety hit me.
Now.. I just.. I don't know.. but it suck.
No matter what I still love that little guy, he's an awesome friend.

I've also gotten really close to some of the girls at work.
I wasn't really looking to befriend any girls.. cause of the fact that girls are usually drama and I tend to shy away from that nowadays. But these girls are truly awesome and I can't help but to enjoy myself in their company.

Christmas and new years has come and gone. Thankfully.
I haven't been a Christmas person since i was a little girl. Not that odd as I don't have a family to celebrate with anymore.
I do how ever have awesome friends who takes me in and lets me be a part of their family for the holidays. This years I spent it with my awesome friend, Sandra.
Sandra and I went to college together so we've known each other since... 2001 now.. MAN.. that's a long time! Anyways, it was such a lovely Christmas.. a real family thing. Santa came and everything!!
And yes.. I'm way excited over that cause well.. Santa never showed up when I was a kid. He just snuck in while i was sleeping and put all the gifts under the tree.

New years was spent with Jennifer, my partner in crime!
She's one of the absolute best people I know and I truly adore her.
It was chill new years, had dinner and a few drinks at her friends house before heading out on our own to a club. COMPLETE meat market, heard every pick up line in the book. But nope.. I'm not that easy.

Anyways.. Gonna watch a movie now and relax. Tomorrow I'm off back to Eskilstuna (The city I where I work). I'm not gonna promise I'll get better at this blogging thing. You're just gonna have to bare with me. I'll leave you with some pictures.

Magical beings.

I Heart My Job.

I heart the people I work with. They're, well.. SOME of them, are pure magic. 

We're talking pink fluffy clouds, strawberry cupcakes, cotton candy and rainbow unicorns kind of magic! 

They're just THAT awesome! 

I've told you about my little dude, Johan before.. He's still and always will be my number one.

My rock and security at work. 

There's just no words for him. I'd protect this guy with my life if I had to. Be so sure.

But then there's also Jenny, Sara and Ingegerd. 

SO much love for these people.. They along with little J of course keep me up when I feel like falling.

Anxiety never seem to last long when I have these people around me,. I'm SOOOO grateful for each and every one of you. I won't ever hesitate to return the favor, should you ever need it,

I have to send some love to one of my absolute best friends.

We've been friends since the summer of 2000 when we met under "backstreet circumstances".

I don't think we've under these 14 years of friendship had one falling out.

Suuure we get annoyed at each other, we disagree on things (like politics;), but we've never been "ANGRY" with each other. 

This dear friend of mine if going through some hardship right now and I want you to know, Jenn.. That there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you. You say the words and I'll be right there. 

I know you'll get out at the other side of this as a better and stronger person. There is no doubt in my mind. And when you're up for it... You and I will be going out hunting, so to speak ;)

I LOVE you! 

Gotta go deal with life now.

I hope you all are having a fantastic Monday. 

xoxo

Workoholic

Sowwy.. I know I've been MIA for the longest time.
I've just had life going on. No other excuse than that.
I see so many of you still checking in on the blog even tho I don't update. Ever.
I would like to promise you that I'll get better.. But I don't know when that will be.
Just crazy busy with work.

Speaking of work.. I LOVE MY JOB. Truly.
I have the best co workers ever. Especially this one little guy, Johan.
He truly truly is the reason I get through the day.
Always with a smile on his face and willing to just.. I don't know.. Be there?
It's hard to explain this guy.
He's like no other guy I've ever met. In a good way of course.
He's been a good friend and support system for me this last month. Truly grateful.
I won't even hesitate to return the favor, should you ever need it. I got you :)

Fall is knocking on the door here.. Even tho technically it's still summer, there's just no denying the low temperatures lately. Tho I LOVE summer, there's something so cozy with fall.
Warm knitted sweaters, scarfs, mittens..
All night scary movie marathons with friends.
I really wanna get some friends together, watch a REALLY scary movie and then head out to Ängsö/Engsö, this haunted castle and church right outside my city.
Haven't been out there for a bout a year now so it's about time!
Anyways.. Gotta sleep now. Work tomorrow.

Hope you all are enjoying life.

xoxo

ExchangeEuropeAdventures

So.. a whole week has gone bye since I last saw my guys.
Not the Backstreet Boys.. The Exchange. Or, Diaz, Fredo, Richard, Aaron and Jamal.
Me and the girls had a FANTASTIC trip to Germany and got to spend a good amount of time with them.

As for the general experience of this trip. I AM IN LOVE with my girls.
They saw me, picked me up and distracted me when they saw me slipping.
Have to give extra props to Tiina for actually putting up with me for a whole week. I'm grateful.
These girls are SO special to me. We're all SO very different, but we work SO well together.
I guess.. cause of the fact that we actually are so different.
No one stepping in or taking anyone's "space". We all have our role in our group and we stick to that.

I learned a lot about myself and about other people on this trip.
I learned I really need to stop being so "blue eyed" as we say in Sweden.. To you.. That would be, naive. I always judge people based on my first experience of them.
That often leads me to disappointment. I get hurt, angry and VERY passive aggressive.
That's not who I am anymore. And I don't like it when that side comes out of me cause it takes me FOREVER to push it back in again.
I really need to just.. take a step back, observe and make sure I don't get hurt.
Fans will always be fans, dressed as Exchange fans or BSB fans, don't really make a difference.
At the end of the day.. Que Sera.



I Love and respect ALL of the boys and I always will. They will ALWAYS have my support.
ExchangeEurope and ExchangersUnited will keep pushing these guys and doing our best to promote
 them for as long as we keep getting the help and response we're getting from the guys and from the fans.

Thank you for the trip of a life time. See you all SOON again!

Angelica

I have this one friend. Well.. I have a lot of friends. But this one friend in particular, she means a little extra much to me.
She's one of those people who's just.. There.
She will tell you what's up when you LEAST want to hear it but when you MOST of all NEED to hear it. She will never tell you want you want to hear if it's not what you need to hear.
Angelica and I have had our runs, fallen out of touch do to.. well, life and other misunderstandings.
We always find our way back to each other tho.
I guess.. cause we just get each other and in the end of the day, I know she will always want what's best for me, and I for her.
She was one out of two people who was really there for me after the whole Jordan situation went to hell and back.
She was one of two people who I openly talked about my pregnancy and miscarriage with when it happened.
She knew things that no one else did, and before other people did.
I was, and still am just.. so comfortable around her.
I don't see her as much as I would want.. But when we do get to spend some time together things are never anything less of a perfect time.
I truly truly love you my dear friend and I hope you know that I will always be here for you.
No matter what.
Life may pull us a part and we may not speak to each other for long periods of time, but when it's all said and done, I never ever want to wake up in a world where I know that you and I will never be friends again.

I love you.

xoxo

Anxiety Delux

Anxiety struck like a motherf.. Triggerd last night so going on 26hrs now.. Faaaantastic.
I've been doing really good with anxiety these past few weeks but just as I think, hey.. I got this.. BAM! It hits me again. I wish it would just.. end and go away, and stay away.
Definitely is no worse feeling than Anxiety.
That feeling of.. "I hope I don't have to wake up tomorrow.. that it will all just be over... "
NOT a feeling I would even wish upon my worst enemy.
And I don't like taking my meds anymore.. I want to be able to handle, this on my own.. I want to be strong enough to handle this on my own.. But the fact of the matter is still that it IS a medical condition and no one would expect someone with asthma to just.. "handle it".
I don't know.. sometimes I just feel like.. No one gets it.

Spent this weekend out at Jennifers summer house. Full house out there as always.
I feel so, at home when I'm with Jenn and her family. They're so tight.
All of the million cousins, her mom, dad and aunt.
I love them all. I wish I had a family like that. Or a family at all for that matter. Never had one.

Gonna take my meds now and try and unwind.

Love to all.