That's funny!

 

You make all the difference!

 

 

Let the Past be the Past.

Joyful!
Even tho Anxiety level has been HIGH this past week, I'm some how keeping my mood up and enjoying being back home with my friends.
As I said before, they are doing a really good job in paying attention to how I'm doing and helping out in any way they can. And I am SO grateful for that.
I know, they know that I am here for them too.
I've never felt so secured and grounded before.
They have, as I.. Left the past in the past and they are fully embracing the new, better and stronger me.

These past two days I've been hangin out with my college best friend, Isabell.
Bell and I are the typical "partners in crime" type of friends.
The stupid stuff we have done together are hilarious and we still, to this day, can spend hrs laughing at old stuff that we did.
Bell is now married with a baby on the way.
I am SO proud of the person that she has become and I could not me more thrilled for her.
I wasn't present at her wedding as I lived in Santa Monica, but I am REALLY glad to be here for her during this really wonderful time she has a head of her.
Baby Elliot is gonna be a GORGEOUS little boy with them two as parents!

Tomorrow I am watching baby Molly while Sandra runs some errands.
Baby Molly is such a funny little baby girl! She's definitely a character!
Sandras two step kids, Liam and Maja are awesome too! Really well behaved.

Friday can not come any faster.
My best friend, Saara messaged me asking if I wanted to come join her and baby Moa for "Fredags Mys". There's no proper or good way to translate that in to English, but in short, every friday we, the Swedish people have like, a movie night with snacks or something, play board games or something else that would be a relaxing and fun way to end a long week.
Saara just got engaged to her long time boyfriend that she has baby Moa with.
Am very very happy for the two of them and am VERY grateful to know her.
We met through another friends of mine that i used to work with.
Saara is one of the best people I know. I always laugh and have a good time with her and she is one of the FEW people that I can not get enough of.

Derek is now on my new facebook, that I am also grateful for.
Derek knows me in a different way from most of my other friends.
He once said that I am a lot like him. We just, get along really well and I talk to him about things that I may not wanna talk about to my other friends.
He has been a HUGE support for me this past year going trough my pregnancy, my miscarriage and getting over Jordan.
He doesn't judge me for my past or for what I did. He is just.. there and he is awesome.
I always make sure to meet up with him when I'm in Clifton, New Jersey.

Don't Mess With My Family!

 

 

Cause I love and Support you no matter what life throws at you.

You are everything I ever hope to be, when I grow up!

Love you!

 

 

If I was stupid maybe careless, so were you.

I'm in a funk.
I guess I'm just having a rough time at the moment.
I have way to much time to spend in my own head and it's not good for me.
I deleted facebook again. I do that whenever things get overwhelming.
It's one less thing to stress over I suppose.
One of my friends texted me asking if I was ok, cause she had noticed my facebook was gone again.
It feels good to know my friends are paying attention.
I told her what was up, and that I'd be ok again in a few days.
Shortly after that my best friend txted me, I really only read the first few words if her txt, it read "I need you". It took me 10 min to, get out of bed, get in the shower, get dressed, put makeup on and be out the door. And mind you, I have a lot of hair on my head so it SHOULD take a while to get sorted.
I ended up spening the whole day with her, making sure she was ok and getting her in a good mood.
She told me I was the first one she txted. She opened the door crying and we sat down and talked.
I left her place at night knowing she was in a better state of mind than when I came.
It feels good to be needed and to be able to help.
- I wonder what Soph would have to say about that?
I don't think I dropped everything and ran to her, because of me.. But with "us" I never really know.
I miss having Soph to talk to, to ask questions and to learn from.
It's thanks to her that I even got this far in my recovery.
I know she would say something along the lines of, "no it's because of you." But she's wrong.
SHE got this ball rolling and I would have never ever gotten this far if it wasn't for her help and support. So just accept it :)

Jordan has been on my mind a lot lately.
Probably not even cause i actually miss him, but probaby cause he is familiar and the feeling of him is something I know very well so I go there just to be able to feel something and at the same time KNOW what I am feeling. It makes the anxiety easier to deal with when I know WHY it's there.. Does that make any sence?
It all got triggered by seeing his brother tweet about him.
- Effing sucked!
I am proud of him tho. I knew he would do well in life.
He just needed to get there on his own and by him self.
Without anyone TELLING him that he HAD to get someplace. He is good people.

Right now it's almost 2 am. I am sick with a fever and yet again, alone in my own head.
Isabelle and Cayenne is sleeping since a few hrs back.
Night time is my alone time. The time when I have time for me and to reflect on things.
We are so all up on eachother all day every day so this "alone time" is REALLY important.

Been tweeting back and forth with Tony Gia again. Is is this awesome and really sweet guy from Clifton, New Jersey.
Well, I don't actually think he lives in Clifton, but he works as a DJ around that area so he spends a lot of time over there. He is really good people.
Whenever I'm in Jersey he always hooks me and my friends up on lists to clubs he is DJing at.
Really tallented guy.

Bring The Action

 

All hail my Queen!!

 

 

 

"25th" Birthday Bash

Me and the Birthday Girl 

 

 

 

Tess x 2, Birthday Girl and I

 

3 is the magic number!

 

 

The girls

Magic Wednesday

I could probaby make this blog in to a "I love my friends"- Blog!
But I do, I do LOVE my friends! I some times believe that they are magic!
I find such a happiness with every single one of them, something I can only describe as, Magic!

Today is Wednesday and my favorite day of the week.
This Wednesday, for yet another reason, the premiere of Britney Spears and Will.I.Am's new video for "Scream & Shout". I freakin LOVE that song!
It is fresh and new and it's been stuck in my head for days now! Can't wait!! Only 1 hr left till premiere! Altho it's 1AM where I am, I'm staying up waiting to see it!
It's also, Jenna Marbles day, and for those who know me knows that she is my hero!
And to top if off, nerd waring, Ghost hunters (TAPS). I love that show! Have seen every single episode!
Also had a really good day with Isabelle. She is just wonderful and amazing in every way.
I really want to be her when I grow up!

Talk

I love rumors!

I always find out amazing things about myself that I never knew about.

 

 

 

 

You Live, You Learn

 

 

 

To be great,

you have to be willing to be mocked, hated and misunderstood.

I'm standing strong.

Friend Crush

Seeing, talking and spending time with my friends now after being away for so long, is like... almost the same feeling as having a major crush on a guy.
All tingly and warm inside. Happy and smiley.
I'm so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life.
I'm joyful and blissful!
And it's an awesome feeling to have the change in you validated by the fact that I get along differently with my friends. Some people that I didn't work so well with before my recovery and my move. I get along with SO well now.
And some people that I considered my best friends, are people I'm gonna down grade to acquaintances. I just don't wanna stay "BFFs" with friends that gives me NOTHING in return.
It's not my way to be fake like that. I don't wanna waste my energy on being friends with you, and I don't wanna waste your time when you have nothing to gain with me.

Anyways.
This weekend is packed with spending time with my loves.
Tomorrow me and my roomie will be going out to Bluemoon bar, where her friends cover band is playing. We always go check them out whenever they are in town.
And on Saturday I'm off to Sandras place. Sandra is turning 25, again and she's throwing a birthday bash with a lot of other people. Really looking forward to seeing Sandra again.
Love her dearly and It's always a joy to be around her.

Precious

Really really really want one!!

I've wanted a Yorkshire Terrier since I was little!

 

 

What If..

Another sleepless night.
I did something I probably shouldn't have done..
I just.. No! I'm not even gonna try to validate that action.
I slipped. Simple as that. And now I'm alone in my head and all kinds of thoughts and memories are flying around. *Face palm*
I know that when my roomie reads this, she's gonna give me THAT look and just shake her head at me. And I'm gonna hang my head in shame.. *shaking my head*.
At least it wasn't a "bad" email.

Oh well..

Something else stuck in my head that was brought up to me a few days ago.
I have a way with kids. All kids love me.. My childhood friend has 3 kids.
Her youngest, Alvin absolutely adores me. The other two loves me also, but little Alvin 2yrs old.. We have a special bond.
Whenever I come over to her place, he always lights up like a Christmas tree, jumps up and just runs at me and hugs me. Love that little guy!
And my best friend has a little girl, 3 yrs old, who asks for me and always smiles when I come by.
I could go on and on about kids that seam to really like me.
Same goes for animals. I guess I'm kind of like.. "Play lady".
Not to serious with the kids and always the one throwing the ball or the stick for the dog to fetch.
And.. My roomie told me the other day that she is concerned/worried for me.
She said something along the lines of that she's worried that I'm gonna end up like her aunt or cousin or something, who also has a way with animals and kids, but that for some reason she ended up never having any kids of her own.
That it would be so typical that for someone who is so good with kids, never to get to have any of their own. I don't remember her words exactly..
but it was something like that. And It just, stuck with me.
What if? What if I don't get to have my own kids one day?
I would be an awesome parent. I know this, but that doesn't serve as any form of reinsurance that I will have any on my own.
I don't know.. I try not to stress over something that have not even happened yet..
But the "What If" question is stuck in my head.

What if..

Circus Crusoe

There's this wonderful person in my life.
I don't really think she knows herself how wonderful she is.
She is stronger than most people I have ever met,
and I've met and known a lot of people in my life.
She's been trough things that most people would never make it trough.
She is my complete opposite and at the same time we are so alike.
We understand each other.
It has not always been simple between us.
But after the last year and all the therapy I've been trough,
we find each other a lot easier than previously.
I love her with all my heart and I don't ever want to find myself in a situation when she is not my friend. We look after each other.
Our friendship is easy and simple like never before.
She inspires me to keep being strong and she reminds me every day, not werbally but mentally, that I am not hopeless and that things will be just find in the end.
She is the kind of woman that I would like to be "When I grow up".
A strong woman who won't let anything get in the way of where she wants to go.
I look up to her in more ways than one, and she means more to me than just a friend.
She is family.

We may be a slightly dysfunctional family, but we are family!

That ONE guy

One of those days when things could have gone better.
It's basically been a long day.
Haven't done much at all, but felt like this day would never end.

Been really.. I don't know how to explain it.. Not missing someone, but missing the times with him?
If that makes any sense?
His brother tweeted something about him, and ofcourse loads of other people joined in on that tweet and before I knew it my whole twitter feed was filled with his name.
It was just, hard.
I still love that guy, but I'm not IN love with him.
Took me almost a year to get over him, but with loads of support and comfort from his best friend, I did it.
I guess you never truly stop loving that one guy.
I have a very complicated situation/past with him and that probaby doesn't help.
But I still think that everyone has that one person that they will always have a place for.
It especially hits me every time I go back and visit Clifton, New Jersey.
Or every time I talk to or hang out with his friends.
I do ok tho, and they are very understanding and supportive of the whole thing and make sure not to mention him to much around me. Extremely grateful for that.
I mean hell, I would have had a 3 months old baby by him right now.
Now, when I have a prespective on the whole thing, It's probaby a "good" thing that it didnt go that way, but I would have wanted to have the choise to make that decision on my own.
I guess the universe works in mysterious ways.
I do congratulate him on his graduation from the fire academy and wish him all the best in the world.

Prince Charming

Had a conversation with my best friend the other day where she asked asked me, "So now after all this, I know you said before that you wanted a guy who can put you in your place/won't put up with bullshit. Do you feel the same way now?" No, no I do not.
Now after discovering myself and after re-building myself from the basics, I can honestly say that I do not need nor do I want someone who is gonna be bossy with me.
I need a secure guy, someone who knows who he is.
Someone who has been through life and seen things.
I can't be with a guy who is still a "boy". A guy who has not been through rough times or someone who has only seen their home town or their state.
Life experience is valuable and something I definitely look for in a guy.
A guy with a life!
Someone who has their own thing going on, so he doesn't need to be so focused on me all the time.
I'm not stressed. I will find him one day.
I may have to kiss a lot of frogs, but he will come!

In my head

The last few days have been awesome.
Im really truly loving being back home and spending time with my friends.
Saara, one of the people I hold closest to my heart is amazing!
I laugh like never before when I'm with her.
She is truly an amazing and inspiring person.
I can really be myself around her and I always leave in good spirit.
I don't think I ever wanna find myself in a world where she is not my friend.
Love her dearly.

I've also been spending a lot of time with my good friend whom I went to college with here in Sweden. Sandra has always been one of those people who's always stressing over something, is a little hyper and always gives you the feeling that she has not quite found her self yet.
9 months ago she had a little baby girl and since then she has truly become a brand new person.
She is relaxed and collected and just seam truly happy.
Her husband is amazing and funny and they compliment eachother perfectly as people.
It makes me so happy to see her happy and contect with life.
I find myself getting along with her SO much better now than before too.
Not that we didn't get along, but her "stressing" kind of rubbed off on me before and now.. it's different. I guess it also helps that I also am a WHOLE lot less stressed out and insecure about things.
It's good to see that people change and life goes on.

I miss my two really good friends in Cali.
Sophia, who has been my mentor this passed year.
She is the reason to my recovery so far and my motivation to keep working on myself each and every day. Without Soph, I don't know where I would be today.
It's gonna suck not being able to see her like I used to, but there's always skype.
Jay is also someone I miss dearly. I hold Jay really close to my heart for many reasons.
He is good people and also someone who I can just, be myself around.
He triggers me sometimes when he picks on me.. But I hold nothing but love for him and I miss his stupid jokes and our sushi lunches!

It's a girl thing

I promise myself

  

 

To be strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet.

To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make optimism come true.

To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achivements of the future.

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every single creature I meet.

To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to critcize others.

To be too calm for worry, too nobel for anger, too strong for fear

and to happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of myself and proclaim this to the world, not in loud words but in great deeds.

To live in the faith that the world is on my side as long as I am true to the best in me.

Family

There are so many things in my life right now to be grateful for.
My friends being the main thing.
I look at life in Sweden with brand new eyes and I am loving the feeling of being home and having all my really close friends around me on a daily basis.
It's that safe and secure feeling that I hope every one feels when they're around their friends.
My friends are my family, it's that simple.
I don't have a "real" family, so my friends are the closest thing to it.
And I have a damn good family!
Sometimes when I'm alone in my head I think to my self from an outside point of view.. That if I was someone else, I would be so jealous of me for the fact that I have without a shadow of a doubt, the best friends a person could ask for. I really truly believe that from the bottom of my heart.
They all play different rolls in my life of course, and I "use" them all for different things.
I would do anything for my friends and I try my hardest to let them know that there are something worthwhile in each and every one of them.

 

Of course there are so many more of you that I don't have on picture with me, but know that you are in my heart and I love you!

Always!

Chaos and Order

I am at home in Sweden.
I don't know for how long this time.
Debating on whether I should go back to Santa Monica in January or take next semester off and hang out here for a while.
I have changed SO much since I lived here.
Been through almost 2 years of therapy where I have had basically my whole existence picked apart and am now building a new more healthy person back up again.
I can feel the change in me being back here.
I don't react to things the way I used to and I am more, much more relaxed as a person.
I don't feel the need to please anyone and I live for ME now.
I have understood that I should be the most important person to ME.
It has nothing to do with being self centered or egotistical.
I just simply can't let myself be second to everyone else all the time.
If I don't make sure that I'M ok, I can't ever help someone else feel ok either.
Me, first!

It's nice being back here. Nature and things in general are so much more healthy here.
It's clean and simple and the best thing of all is that I have all my best friends here.
Sure, I have one of two people back in Cali too, that I would consider my best friends.
But my friends back here, have known me and seen me go through things in life.
Its a feeling of security knowing that they know.
They are being really good at letting my past be just that, my past.
They are focusing on now and the future and I could not be more thankful for that.

I still haven't heard from my friends and family in Jersey.
I Have heard from my New York friends, but still waiting to hear from my friends back in Clifton, NJ.
Am worrying and it's keeping me up at night.
I left Clifton JUST in time, 3 days before Hurricane Sandy hit.
Hopefully within the next few days I will hear from them.