A New York State Of Mind.

Wednesday.
Home alone tonight. Sister is out of town.. She pops of to go to Stockholm every other weekend or so. Just like me!
Anna and I just booked my birthday trip to NY/NJ.
I thought I'd be more excited than this to be honest.
I'm kind of.. blank, about it?
I think.. after all the history I have in Jersey.. It's become toxic to me.
A lot of memories that I hold so close to my heart, yet they are memories that needs to be kept away from me.. It's hard to explain.
But it all comes down to the fact that, Jordan is in Jersey.
New York and New Jersey sounds like SUCH a good idea and I LOVE New York. It's my favorite place in the world. And I love Jersey to. So much.. It's like home to me.
I think I just need to revisit that place and make new memories.
And make it that place of happiness that it used be, to me.
I need to connect to the city and to Jersey as the person I am today, and not be stuck in the memories as the person I used to be.
I'm not gonna lie.. I'm a bit anxious to go back.
Although I've been back 3 or 4 times since I last saw Jordan.. That feeling just never goes away.
I don't know how I would react if I ever saw him again.
I mean.. I'm definitely a different person now. A better person now.
What I did to Jordan I will never be able to take back or fix. And I know this.
But if I ever was to see him again. I hope that he would be able to see the person I am today, rather than the sick, broken person I used to be.
I think he would like the person I am today. I know I do.

 

 

 

 ♥

 

 

Returning to New Jersey & New York as this person!

Out with the old, In with the new!

 

 

On a positive note

Wow, so much has happened since I last wrote here!
Only good things tho.. IF you don't count the fact that I'm down with the stomach flue.
But in the grater picture of it all.. It's nothing!

At the end of last month, my favorite boys in the world, the Backstreet Boys visited Sweden.
It's definitely been a whole while since their last visit.
I haven't met the boys since last summer, at the mixtape festival in PA. I've changed A WHOLE LOT since then.
It was an intense visit. They were only here for about 36hrs.
But we, our team.. Definitely got everything out of it that we wanted.
Let's just say we got more out of their visit than any other fans in Sweden. I'll just leave it at that!

Around the same time as this, actually, the day before they showed up.. I FINALLY got to move in to my apartment.
MY apartment! I live here under MY rules. It's definitely been a while.
I have my sister living with me also. But we compromise on everything and I don't feel at all that she or I are in the way of each other in any situation.
I'm sure we are gonna fight along the way.. But we are sisters, it's what we do.
But the good thing with sisters.. we always make up!

Two weeks ago, (dare I almost call him friend now? I see him as somewhere in between a "celebrity" that I admire, and as my friend.) Chris Medina visited Stockholm.
We have been talking on line and staying in touch for just about two years now and there are very few people in this world that I look up to and admire as much as I do with him.
His story and everything that he is, gives me hope.
He is such a genuine person.
It shines through just looking at him.
He is an amazing artist and I'm truly truly honored to have had the pleasure to stay in touch with him for all this time.

As of right now, I'm decked out in bed, stomach is feeling a lot better, but I dare not to go out and "live life" just yet. Wanna be cleared by Friday as I'm going out with a few friends!
I was supposed to have my good friend Anna come visit this weekend.
But she has hurt hew knee pretty badly and can't get here from Stockholm do to that soooo.. I guess getting drunk is my plan B? :)
Anna and I will be booking my birthday trip to New York/New Jersey tomorrow.
I can not wait to get back to my favorite city in the world!
It's been over a year now and this is the longest I've ever been away from the city since I first started going there back in 2009!
I  miss my wonderful friends in New York & New Jersey.
This is where you all are thinking; She's talking about Jordan.
But ya'll are wrong. First of all, I was more referring to Derek.
Second of all.. Jordan and I are not friends so I couldn't be referring to him as a friend, could I? :)
I also am looking forward and hoping to see my New York friend, Lana.
Haven't seen her either since the mixtape festival.
Also hoping to see Mary from Jersey..
I guess there's a few people I wanna meet up with! But most of all.. I am looking forward to seeing the Man in my life, the one and only.. Man-hattan!



It's ok.

It's ok.
It's more than ok.
We all fall apart. We mess up, we get back up again and we do it all over again.
Over and over.
It's what we do. It's what makes us human.
Life is not about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself. Truly.

I've done so many fucked up things in my life, and hey.. I'm still in my 20's.. So I have many more mistakes to do. I'm sure you do to.

I love to check my self every now and then. Just to make sure I'm still on the right track.
I don't like to judge people based on shit they do.
But I, as well as you have my limits and morals and I do have a line than I don't let people cross with me.

This past month I have gone through some "anniversary" dates.
Mostly regarding Jordan and what I went trough with that.
It's now two years ago since I last saw him. I still remember watching him walk away..
Our last conversation, outside what room at what hotel.
Just like it was yesterday.
I think we all have that one person that we go to whenever someone asks; "Who's the love of your life". He will always be "The one who I let walk away".
It's not that I didn't fight for him, cause lord knows I did. But I fucked up to badly with him and I only have my self to blame for all that.
The pain is still very strong whenever anyone brings him up in conversation, or whenever he crosses my mind. It's like someone rams a knife through my heart and twists it.
But as much as it hurts, I still go there.. Cause in some fucked up way, the pain is worth it if I just get to go back and remember him for a while. Just for a little while.
Cause I do love him. Very much so.
I can't say that I am IN love with him.
I don't know him any more, and he does not know me anymore.
We are two completely different people now from what we were then.
I wish knew the person he is today. I know I would be proud of the changes that he has made in his life since I last saw him.
Not a day passes that I don't think of him.
Him.. The one that made all the difference.
If It wasn't for him I would never have gone and gotten the help that I so badly needed.
Now two years later I so clearly see and understand what I did and WHY I did it.
My friends have said on more than one occasion that they wish he knew and could hear the way I talk about him. And that he could see and know all the changes I have made in my life and to myself.
I don't know if he will ever know.
But I hope, dream and wish. Every day and every night.

Emotional Rush

Literally just woke up and had this massive urge to pore some love on one of the best people that has ever stepped in to my life.
This person got SO close to me, SO fast.
With her it's never any drama.. It just, works.
We had this intense period when we first got to know each other.
We went through so much. Good and bad.
This person is Jennifer.
Jennifer was one of the girls who moved in to my apartment in Santa Monica last year.
It was supposed to be her, me and 3 other girls.
It didn't end up that was for many reasons, and in some ways.. I think it was meant to be this way.
It ended up being me and Jenn, moving in with my good friend, Jay in his 3 bedroom apartment, 2 floors down.
We always had each other Jenn and I, and without her.. it would have been hell.
I will truly NEVER forget the summer that we had, and the things we went through together.
It's good to have friends like her in times of need.
I want you to know that I am eternally grateful for you and for the times we had, and the good times we WILL have in the future.
I love you with all my heart and I will ALWAYS be here for you, should you ever need me.

'Ello

This is my good friend Jennifer.

Jennifer told me to say hi to my blog from her.. so.. I guess.. Hi!

Mistakes were done

 

 

I'm here with my confession

Got nothing to hide no more

I don't know where to start

But to show you the shape of my heart

 

 

 

Christmas thinking

I have a million thoughts in my head this evening.
It's raining outside and I'm in one of my "Thinking" moods.
That mixed in with a bit of anxiety, makes for a few good blog entries.

It's the time of year where I tend to get really depressed.
It's dark, cold and rainy and soon, the rain will turn to snow.. Which is in no way better.
And when winter comes.. So does Christmas.
Christmas is my least favorite time of year.
It's the time when I feel completely alone. I have no family.
So there fore I tend to end up alone.
I've been lucky enough for a few years in a row now to have gotten invited to celebrate with friends.
Last year it was with my wonderful friend Nadja.
She took me in and made me feel really comfortable.
I even got to play Santa! Who would have ever thought that I would get to be Santa!?
The year before than I worked, and then celebrated with Angelica.
The year before than I was still living in America. KY as a matter of fact.
So I've had a few good Christmases.
But I always worry every year if I'm gonna get to celebrate, or if I'm gonna end up alone.
I think, me and Sandra talked about me celebrating with her and her family this year.
I don't think we set anything in stone which is why I'm still worried about it.

What are you all doing this Christmas? Has anyone even made plans yet?
Do you have any special Christmas traditions in your family, what are they?

Love!

What is friendship?

I could make this another entry about how much I love and adore my friends. Cause I do. Big time.
But I Think everybody's got the point by now.

It's funny how people like to throw around the phrase "My best friend".
Cause.. I hear friends call each other that all the time.. then they turn right around and trash talk each other. and when they see each other again.. it's all smiles.
It confuses me.

I struggle a lot with anxiety. A lot.
I have periods in my life where everything is just, shit and I fall apart.
It all started after the whole Jordan episode.
It wasn't until then than I knew the full meaning of "anxiety".
No one who has ever had anxiety can fully understand it.
It is the most horrible feeling ever.
The type of anxiety I struggle with is not usually the "panic attack" kind.
Mine is more.. straight up, "I-want-to-die" type of feeling.
Not like, I have suicide thoughts, but more like, I hope I don't have to wake up tomorrow.
Some of the people that come in to my life, we may get close, we might even end up becoming really good friends. Some of those people tend to disappear, just like that when I find myself in one of my "lows". And when I get out of it.. They seam to play it like nothing ever happened.
I'm sorry, not really.. But that's not how friendship works.. At least not SHOULD work.
I stand strong for my friends when they need me.
Cause I expect nothing less from them when I need them.
It's simple.. Friends support each other and help each other in times of need.
At least those are the kind of friends I want in my life.

I have a bunch of friends that I will forever hold close to my heart, no matter where life takes me.
They have been my friends for years, YEARS.
I truly believe that if we have been friends for this long.. Not much could possibly get in between us.
I love these people dearly.
I may not see these friends every day. Or even talk to them every week.
But I know where they are if I should need them.
THEY, are my best friends.

blah

Oy...
So mentally drained right now i'm not even.. Yea..
I don't understand people questioning me and my choice to stay away from certain things, drugs.
I really se no reason as to why anyone should question it really?
I've said it a million times before.
My issue with drugs is not that I can not be friends with people who use, It's simply the fact that I want to be aware. I want to KNOW. For many reasons, main reason probably that I want to be able to stay away from certain situations where "shit goes down".
It's that simple.
I really have no reason to why I should have to keep explaining myself either..
But people seem to not understand.. so I feel the need to KEEP explaining.
I will never "out" anyone if I find out that one or more of my friends are using.
It's just not what this is about..
It makes me really sad that some people feel the need to argue with me for the benefit of "the other side". Why? I have my opinion on the matter and I feel no need to have you tell me reasons to why my friend/s are using. I DON'T CARE.

I'm sad.

Awesome week part from...

Friday night.
Have had a fantastic week so far and hopefully weekend will match it.
This week went by so fast I can't even understand it.

My thoughts and questions about drugs and substance abuse in general is still going on.
I guess the more I learn the more shit I discover.
NEVER EEEEVER underestimate my ability to find shit out. EVER.
I've always been like that. I just.. I don't know. I just.. know? And if I don't know.. I will find out.
Loyalty is key in friendship. And with being loyal I mean, trust, support, acceptance and so on.
When I lose trust in someone.. 99% of the time I will not be able to find it in that person again.
It's just ruined.
I have SERIOUS issues when it comes to substance abuse.
Obviously I don't mean that I use. I have a problem with other people around me using.
I went through hell as a child with my mother abusing me mentally and physically.
She was a hard core alcoholic and it resulted in me taking on all kinds of personality traits and disorders. I have worked trough and "gotten rid of" most.. many of these things, but it's gonna take YEARS before I can call myself "healthy".
My friends know how I feel about drugs in my "circle".
I am 100% against in. I will judge the shit out of you if I find out you are doing it.
Because well, I just don't see the point in it, and I don't understand it.
And also because it brings me back to my childhood and that scares the living crap out of me.
People whom I don't consider my friends, I don't bother with.
But the people who know me, call them selves my friends and choose to not tell me about the fact that they use. It's just.. Wrong!
YOU are taking away MY choice to not have shit like that in my life.
Egocentric & selfish are the two nicest words I would call you.
I made a choice to stay away from people and situations where drugs are involved.
And for someone to know my history, and take that choice away from me and walk all over it.
Well excuse my language.. but Fuck you.

Early morning thoughts

Early mornings is NOT my thing.
Ok if I had work or some other important thing I had to do.. But when my only obligation is work... in 9 hrs.. Waking up at 7 feels PRETTY annoying.

Looked out the window after I rolled out of bed to notice that fall is very much here and that I have to wait a whole year until summer time.. (minus 3 months).
Feels like forever!
Between now and then, I have things planned that hopefully will make time go by a Little faster.
I have a two week birthday trip to NYC/NJ and FL planned.
And Soph will be moving to Sweden in January which I am OVERLY excited about!
I haven't seen her for over a year now and It feels all kinds of not good.

On Sunday my love, the star, the wonderful Robin Stjernberg will be performing in my city!
Can't wait! He is such a wonderful guy!
I liked him before I met him, do to his extraordinary talent, but when I realized he had the personality to go with it, I was sold!

On a COMPLETELY different matter, there is a debate on abortions going on on my facebook.
What's your opinion on the matter?
What is ok and what is not ok?
Would LOVE to hear your thoughts on it.

LOVE

Bliss

          HappyThankYouMorePlease

Confused

So many thoughts tumbling around in my head right now.
I'm in a weird state of mind.
I like to know where i have people around me, yea i know.. Don't we all?
And yes, sure we might. But i'm probaby even more so than most people.
Maybe it has to do with the fact that i suffer from pretty bad anxiety.
I don't know and it's beside the fact.

I'm also one of those people who make connections to people and situations, strong connections.
I love people and their life stories.
And people who can teach me about things, become people i look up to.
I love knowing about things. Listning to people.
It's what i do, and who i am.
I never judge people based on their past.
I have a past too. And it's not a pretty one!
I've fucked up royaly, hurt people. So who would i be to pass judgement on someone else?
I just base my opinion on someone from who and where they are when i meet them.
Basically, my heart is very open to people and i trust with everything i am, makes it easy for me to get burned and/or hurt by people.
And right now.. I definitely have burned my self.

I don't wanna close my heart and get suspicious of people..

Mind fuck!!

I have seriously bad taste in men. No, really.
I know that to most of the people who know me, this will not come as any news.
You all have known this for years. But this one.. Yea.
I was fuckin blind sided!!
I could go on a rant about this but i won't.
Just wanna put it out there that you, sir.. Are an ASS!!

Gratitude

Forever a bad blogger..

But then again.. This blog was supposed to be for ME, not for anyones Entertainment.
I sometimes even regret the fact that I made it public.
It was much easier to write back when no one knew it existed.
But oh well, not much to do about that now.

Anyways, It's been a while since I updated and a lot has happened.
Since this is a positive blog I am not gonna update on any negativity so let's stick to happy feelings :)
First off, I've moved! Am now living with a FANTASTIC person.
Prior to moving here I only knew her through a friend and we had only met a handful of times.
Turns out we get a long PERFECTLY.
She compliments my personality like no one else and we have a lot of fun together.
She, and living here has contributed to me feeling and doing better than I have done in YEARS.
I am more smiley and happy and just generally more, harmonic?

On a different note, I got to sit down with someone and ask a lot of questions about drug abuse and just, substance abuse in general.
I in some ways, look up to this person.
I guess the main reason would be the fact that he knows A LOT on a subject that has basically covered and shaped my entire life and the person I am today.
The subject being something I know absolutely nothing about or can not understand it if my life depended on it.
So, I guess you could say I feel comfortable, around him.. as he is so... "in" it..?
It's a really weird feeling and hard to explain I guess.. but it's a good feeling.
And I stand in gratitude to him for explaining and educating me on the subject.

PROMISE to update again THIS week.

Love to all!

Friendship & puppy love

Vacation? I guess in my case, my version of vacation starts today!
I'm gonna be house sitting for my best friend, looking after her cat while she is away at my ex friends wedding! I hope and know that she will have a blast and I wish the newly weds nothing but good things.

Next week it's time for Stockholm again!
I'm seriously excited for this one. Gonna first visit my new, old friend Anna!
Anna and I have known each other for years now, but never on a "friend" level, but I think we've found each other now and a new friendship is in the making.
Am also really excited cause while I'm in Stockholm, my puppy will be staying with Patrik.
Patrik is the cousin of my very good friend, Jennifer.
My puppy is normally TERRIFIED of men, but Patrik.. she absolutely loves.
Sure, she's a little shy at first but give her a few minutes and she won't let him out of her site.
She has good taste in guys.. Patrik is terrific and I trust him blindly with my little girl!
Will be good for her to be around him. It's good practice for her to be around a man.

Tonight I will be hanging out with my lovely Angelica.
Angelica and I used to work together and I managed to hang on to her afterwards.
It's pretty stupid to let a good person slip out of your life just cause you had "other things to focus on." Love her dearly.

Insomnia

Woke up at 3:10am, wide awake and not about to go back to sleep.

Spent the day at  the beach today with my good friend Thea and her kids.
Love those kids!

Yesterday was Birthday celebrations for my gorgeous friend Linda.
A bunch of her friends gathered at her place before we went out.
Linda and I have known each other for about 5 years.
She is one of the strongest and most positive people I know and she is my inspiration to wake up and fight every morning when I feel like giving up.

I've had a lot of thoughts around "dugs" lately.
I guess it's some what triggered by a person I recently met.
He has been battling a drug addiction for a few years and is finally getting back on track.
It brings me so much strength to see other people pull trough.
It's inspiring for sure.
I wish I was more educated on the "drug" subject.
And I don't mean on "substances" I mean, like, what to look for, what are the signs?
WHY people start and what makes them continue..
Do they somewhere a long the road of their addiction wake up and realize "Shit, what am I doing".
Things like that.
My mother battled alcoholism for as long as I can remember.
So yea, I am one of those "Adult children of alcoholics". (ACA). Go ahead, Google it.
Check out the laundry (Link) list while you're at it. That would be what I am working through.
I've come SUCH a long way through that list since only a year ago!
I was just looking through it now and I thought to myself.. "Wow.. That's actually not me anymore!"
What an awesome feeling!
Anyways.. I would love to just sit down with someone who has been trough a drug addiction, and ask questions.
I would like to be more educated on the matter for my own good..
I want to be able to actively make a choice to not have it in my surroundings.
To be able to recognize it and decide to leave, rather than having someone take the choice from me by simply not knowing what I am around.

Well, that's enough thinking for tonight.

Be smart!

You seem to be perfect!

Crushing....

 

 

 

Closure

So.. It's the end of an era when I say that I am done with THAT part of my life.
I guess I've been done with it for a while, but I'm so used to loving him that I kind of just stuck around cause it was familiar... Does that make any sense?
It would to Sophia.. I know that much ;)

I have more important things to focus on than to peddle back and forth to that unhealthy relationship.
So.. I'm done with it.
My focus is far from him and it feels good to be quite honest.
I'm grateful.
I've never really been the person to put myself first before.
But a good friend of mine told me that I should be the most important person to me.
And I guess he was right. Just took me a little while to agree with him.
But hey.. better late than never, right?
I'm doing SO well with myself and I wanna keep my own focus on ME.
I've lost a little more than 60lbs since Jan 28th now.. That would be 30 kilos.
So I'm past half way to my goal. Feels awesome.
I'm gonna try and get rid of another 15 kilos before the end of the year, so that leaves only 10 kilos to lose before my birthday in may!
Watch me!

There are a few things that I would love to write here, but since my blog is now open to public, I can't! It's nothing major.. Well I guess it is.. But, I'm gonna give it some time and maybe in a little while I might be able to share.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Love!