Thoughts

You know.. I was laying awake last night thinking about.. Guys.. But not in that way.. More like.. I'm the "always single" chick among my friends.. Not always by choice.
I haven't always been the most.. "desirable" girl in the world.. and I haven't always looked at my self and thought I deserved to have someone.
I've gotten burned.. Oh so burned.
And I haven't really gotten involved with someone after that whole thing went down..
Most of you know that "situation", as THAT guy.
I truuuuuly loved him and it went to hell.. and back.. and then to hell again.
It took a lot out of me and I don't really think I've truly fully recovered from it.
I still panic at the though of getting comfortable around a guy again. I just.. I can't.
It's gonna take a lot for me to relax and let someone in.
They will have to be someone truly special.. and patient. VERY patient.
I know I'm worth it.. I LOVE spoiling my guy.. doing things for him, not cause he asks me to.. but cause I want to. Love having someone to come home to..
That thought when you get out of work for the day and you just wanna hurry home, because HE is there. That feeling! I long for it.

But.. I've come to the conclusion that I somewhat stay away from dating cause.. This might sound and be dumb, but it's the thruth.. and that's cause of drugs.
I am so ZERO tolerance towards drugs that it just makes dating to complicated to deal with.
I mean.. for example.. a few months ago I was out with my good friend Jasmi.
We're sitting at a table, minding our own and then a group of guys approach us.
They all seam very nice so we invite them to join us.
We're talkin and having fun and then one of the guys turns to me and starts talking about what kind of drugs he took while getting ready to go out........... Dude... No.
He continues to ask me what I take and what my drug of choice is.
My point is.. drugs have become such an "accepted" thing among us.. so I just don't wanna even bother trying to find a good guy, just a normal, family oriented guy with both his feet on the ground.. who does NOT do drugs. Of any kind.
I've been "surprised" with guys before.. dating them for a while and then finding out from other people that they're using. I just don't wanna go through that again.. I'm guarded and it has lead to me having a very hard time trusting guys.. Which is sad.. cause I wan't to love and be loved.. but it's just... to frighting.