Deep state of mind

Good morning? Or.. Night?
Woke up at 4.30 and now I can't fall asleep.
When all else fails.. Blog.

Anyways.. I had a complete melt down 2 nights ago.. I can without a doubt say that, that.. was the worst attack I've EVER had.. It was more than just anxiety.. it was a full blown panic attack.
I found my anxiety meds that same night.. They had rolled under my bed.
I put three pills in my hand and... heard that magic sentence in my head.. "I'm so proud of you"... and I just couldn't take them... It was like a block!
I couldn't do it.. I needed to.. then more than ever.. But.. I couldn't do it.
Thankfully I had good friends to help me through the worst part of it, they distracted me enough so I could calm myself and get back out of it.
I just HOPE that i NEVER get an attack THAT bad again.. cause in all seriousness,
I don't ever wanna have to just.. sit through that again.
I kind of know, and understand where the attack was triggered from..
THAT guy.. I know what ya'll are thinking now.. "LET HIM GO"...
And that's just the thing.. I feel that I am..
And it's been so long, that I don't remember how to NOT love him..
I have loved him so deeply for the last 4 years now.. and..I just.. Don't know what It's like not loving him.
Shit really went down with that situation and a lot of "unfinished business" that is still there..
But I guess me doing so good lately and being in a more happy place.. has helped me to disconnect from him enough to actually be ready to let him go...
I will always hold him close to my heart.. But I can't love him like I used to. For my own sake.

Am gonna try and get some more sleep now..
I hope you all are doing well, and.. Happy Easter!